CHENEY WAKES UP FROM HEART TRANSPLANT AND TURNS HIMSELF IN AS WAR CRIMINAL

 by R J Shulman

FALLS CHURCH, Virginia – (PTSD News) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney awoke from a heart transplant walked to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and called federal authorities.  “When he came back in the room, he had a horrified look on his face and asked if you had to dial 9 to get an outside line,” said Camille Hitchings, a nurse at Inova Fairfax Hospital where Cheney underwent the heart transplant operation on Saturday.

Besides asking to be arrested for war crimes, Cheney said that he will write a book about the dangers of how oil has been causing global warming.  He also said that since he had the benefit of federal healthcare, that every American should have the right to the same kind of care as well.   Cheney said that even from jail, where he expects to live out a life sentence for his lifetime of unacceptable behavior, he will work tirelessly to help the less fortunate to get training to find jobs, for underprivileged children get a college education and for the development of alternative energy by donating all his wealth to the newly formed Cheney for Life Foundation.

The name of the heart donor remains a secret, but one of Cheney’s aides said he believes a conspiracy of liberal doctors must have slipped the former VP a Democrat heart.  “I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” the aide said, “but he seems to have had a change of heart.”  

ROMNEY PLANS HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF ETCH-A-SKETCH COMPANY

By R J Shulman

BRYAN, Ohio – (PTSD News Service) – “Ohio Art, you have messed with the wrong kid,” Mitt Romney told a crowd of about five people in front of an Arby’s in this small northwest Ohio town.  Romney was referring to the company that has been making the Etch-A-Sketch toy since 1960.  Romney has taken a recent hit by his opponents and late night television hosts after one of his aids told reporters that all of his recent far right positions will not hurt him getting moderate voters in November because Mitt’s current radical positions will be erased by the time of the general election, just like shaking an Etch-a-Sketch.

Romney told the noon day Ohio crowd, that rather than being made a fool of by a toy, he plans to purchase Ohio Art, “and dismantle it for its puny parts before the next Frisbee hits the ground.  See if you can shake that away, Ohio Art.”   Rowland Henry, of Ohio Art said that “if Romney is going to flex his Bain Capital-Wall Street-Bankster muscle by buying out our stock now, which has shot to an all time high, then that shows poor judgment when it comes to fiscal management and that is surely not the kind of decisions we need made from the White House.”

Carlington Rogglesworth III, a Romney spokesperson said that the candidate is looking into purchasing and dismantling Camargo Correa, the Brazilian parent company of the largest manufacturer of flip-flops in the world.  “So beware, you manufacturers of products that can be used to put Mitt in a bad light,” Rollingsworth said, “not a single one of you will escape the wrath of Romney.”

GOP MEMO: IF WRECKING THE ECONOMY FAILS, WE’LL DRIVE UP CRIME RATE RIGHT BEFORE ELECTION

by  R J Shulman

 WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a secret memo from Karl Rove to high ranking Republican operatives which directs them to start Plan B, increasing the crime rate, as Plan A, blowing up the economy has not been working.   The memo says, “Even with getting our friends in big petrol and our Wall Street speculators to drive up the price at the pump, the economy is not tanking fast enough, so it’s on to our plan to create a massive crime wave, and blame Obama out of office.”

 The memo says that “if we can create an increase of at least 37% in murders, rapes and burglaries, and our media campaign to blame Obama runs according to plan, the Anointed One will be defeated even if that nitwit Mitt or nutball Sanatorium is running against him.”  The memo states that cities in swing states will be targeted to “scare the bejesus out of the independents who will naturally go for Republicans who they believe can better protect them.”

 The memo reminded the GOP leaders that, “we have many followers with itchy trigger fingers that have more guns than they know what to do with, until now.”  “It will also help our election strategy,” the memo said, “if our little army remembers to dress in blackface and shout out praises to Allah when they commit their mayhem.”

"Remember,” Rove wrote, “this election is not about how much people love our candidate, it’s about how much we can get them to fear and hate Obama.”

NAMES FOR SUSAN FLUKE THAT ROMNEY CAN USE INSTEAD OF SLUT

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, (New Mexico) – (PTSD News Service) - When Mitt Romney was asked if he would condemn Rush Limbaugh for his three day rant against Susan Fluke, calling her a slut and a prostitute in the process for having the audacity to want to bring a woman’s perspective to the Senate regarding health insurance coverage for contraceptives, Romney simply said, “those were not the words I would have used.”  That begs the question about what words he would have used. 

Since Mitt has rejected “prostitute” and “slut,” as a public service to Romney, who needs all the help he can to get over the hump delegate-wise, here is a list of other terms that Romney can feel more comfortable using when describing a woman such as Ms. Fluke:  whore, strumpet, floozy, bitch, Jezebel, hooker, lady of the night, lady of easy virtue, working girl, call girl, loose woman, fallen woman, painted woman, scarlet woman, woman of ill repute, easy, nympho, street walker, trollop, tramp, harlot, escort, poon, sex worker, courtesan, camp-follower, tart, moll, bimbo, piece of tail, ho, skank ho, and of course, mega skank ho.

What was curious was that in searching for the equivalent of prostitute for men, there were only three words: Congressman, lobbyist and radio talk show host.  

ARIZONA PASSES LAW, CHANGE HISPANIC NAME OR BE DEPORTED

By R J Shulman

PHOENIX – (PTSD News Service) – The Arizona Senate passed a bill that requires that all residents of Arizona who have Hispanic names to officially change them to an Anglicized version by July 1, 2012 or face deportation to Mexico.  Senate Bill 1143 contains a controversial provision that makes the name change requirement apply to anyone with a Hispanic first or last name, even if they were American born and not of Latino descent. 

“We have to fight back at the taco-ization of American,” said the bill’s sponsor, Representative Clyde Whiteman of Sierra Vista, Arizona, “So rather than waste taxpayer money getting hung up on which Pablo or Lupe should really be here, this bill makes it simple, if you have a Mexican sounding name after July 1^st, you will be deported muy rapido.”

The bill, called the No Way Jose Act grants state police the authority to stop anyone suspicious of having a Hispanic name, and if discovered to have one, will be immediately shipped to Mexico City regardless of whether they were of Mexican origin.  “I can’t believe I am going to have to change my name,” said Anita Pitney-Windham of Tucson, “my ancestors come over on the Mayflower and my mother named me after Anita Bryant, but since Anita is on the list of forbidden names, I could end up deported to a country I have never even visited.”

“We are not the bad guys here,” said Representative Gorman English, R- Prescott, a supporter of the bill, “we are trying to make sure that America stays America. We are going out of our way to make it easy and we are supplying a list of illegal names along with the American names they should be changed to.”

For example, the list states that Martinez should be changed to Martin, Rivera to Rivers, Consuela to Connie, Moreno to Moron, Guadalupe to Loopy.  “So a name like Emanuel Leyba would become Manual Labor,” said Whiteman.  “However, if some guy is named Jesus, we are not sure yet whether he should be sent back to Mexico or burned at the stake for being sacrilegious.” 

Whiteman has promised to introduce a bill that will mandate changing all Spanish names of Arizona towns to English equivalents.  “For example, my home town of Sierra Vista would be changed to the more appropriate and much more beautiful name of Jagged Mountain View, Arizona.    

ROMNEY PLANS TO CONNECT WITH THE MIDDLE CLASS BY GAINING THE “RICH EXPERIENCE OF BEING POOR”

by R J Shulman

POOR MAN’S HOLLER, West Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Standing on a stump in front of an abandoned general store in the poorest town in America, Mitt Romney pledged that he “wants to better understand the little man, not only the man on Main Street but the man in the Main Street gutter, the investment challenged, the tax unsheltered, that is, the average Joseph.” Romney announced his eight point plan to “stand in the Bruno Magli’s of the regular guy.” Romney’s bold plan is:

1) Instead of the family chauffer taking care of it, Romney will personally get out of the car and fill both of his wife’s Cadillacs with regular grade gasoline.

2) Romney will instruct his broker at Goldman Sachs to send him his quarterly earnings on pink colored paper so he will know first hand what its like to receive a “pink slip”

3) The next time Romney plans on having Beluga caviar and a bottle of his $17,000 1900 Cristal Brut, he will instead try and use his maid’s food stamps at a 7-11 to purchase pork rinds and muscatel.

4) Romney will move a million dollars from a Bank of America checking account to one in the Cayman Islands, leave only $12.57 cents in the BOA account, write a check for $13.00 to experience getting a NSF notice and fee like the common man often gets at the end of a month.

5) Romney will go to a Popeye’s Chicken restaurant with his wife and children, order a bucket of fried chicken knuckles and watermelons and experience the shame of unsuccessfully trying to pay for it with an expired Platinum American Express Card

6) Romney will instruct his accountant to deliberately delay making the monthly payment on his latest yacht, just so that he can experience what it is like to get a past due statement on your necessary form of transportation

7) Romney will watch an entire live broadcast of American Idol and then instruct his nanny to call and vote for the Hispanic singer even if he thought of her as an appalling proletarian

8) Romney will deliberately fail to use his medical insurance prescription card when purchasing his prescription hair crème to experience the shock and awe to learn how much it would cost the regular man.

Romney said, “These bold steps and personal sacrifices should remove any question that I do not understand the plight of the unexceptional American,” Romney said, “and therefore, I can be more convincing that there are real tangible reasons why these people need their lives run by someone superior to them, like I am.”

LIMBAUGH SUES FLUKE: THE WHORE SHOULD KNOW A HEART FELT APOLOGY WHEN SHE HEARS ONE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has struck back at his tormentor, law student Sandra Fluke, by suing her for slander and intentional infliction of emotional distress.  “She has made my life a living hell ever since she trapped me into saying those things,” Limbaugh said, “which has caused me to lose sponsors and radio stations, even after I apologized to the little tramp.”

The lawsuit, which asks for hundreds of millions, claims that “Fluke and her Feminazi co-conspirators have participated in a twenty year scheme to smear Limbaugh and bring down the pristine impeccable reputation of his well loved program.”  The claim also includes Barack Obama as a defendant for “choosing to be black, thus causing Mr. Limbaugh to inadvertently call him a “magic Negro” for four years.

So far, the furor over Limbaugh verbally attacking Sandra Fluke for three days straight on the air has cost him eleven sponsors and a growing number of radio stations as well as spawning numerous websites dedicated to getting him off the air, including hushrush.com, flushrush.org, crushrush.com, smushrush.com, and stopthedrugaddledgasbag.com.     

Rush, appearing on Fox News said that he was shocked by Fluke's behavior, saying, "So people have a lot of nerve."

GOP SENATORS WILL INTRODUCE BILL THAT WILL ALLOW ANYONE TO OPT OUT OF ANY LAW ON MORAL GROUNDS

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Even after the defeat of their amendment to allow employers and insurance companies the right to opt out of heath care coverage on moral grounds, Republican Senators will introduce a bill that will allow anyone to disregard any law if they feel it conflicts with their moral or religious beliefs. “For too long we have been forced into moral slavery just to have to be politically correct,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “with this patriotic new law, which is clearly in the great tradition of American freedom, a person will no longer be forced to tow the big government line, but will be free to act on their own conscience and moral beliefs, and break the shackles that force them to hire women or serve Negroes at their privately owned lunch counters.”

Under the proposed legislation, McConnell said, “If your moral code is that Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Unitarians are tools of Satan, than you would be able to opt out of laws that say murder is wrong and use your Second Amendment rights to blow them to kingdom come. If we pass this law, called the American Religious Freedom to Smite Thine Enemy Act,” McConnell said, “it will bring back righteousness, civility and godliness back to a people enslaved by the tyranny of caring about others as imposed by Obama and his liberal thugs.”

Commentator Bill O’Reilly said that he is strongly in support of the proposed law, saying, “it will essentially end the War on Christmas and allow all good Americans to redirect those resources to where they belong, the War on Women.”