OBAMA'S SPEECH: SO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE MF STATE OF THE MF UNION
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the address that President Obama will give on Wednesday night, and it's not what the political pundits are predicting. Some of the highlights will be:

President Obama will say that in order to solve the great problems facing America, he had to look to his roots and finally got in touch with his inner angry black man.

His first order of business will be to inaugurate his death panels and start with Joe Lieberman, Ben Nelson, Sarah Palin and those white mother fu**ers who crashed his White House party.

He will say that the state of the union is fu**ed up because of the mother fu**in' Republican trailer trash who have been anti-union from the get-go.

That the economy has about as much chance of improving this year as Strom Thurmond would have had for survival if he preached his mother fu**in' racist sh*t in the middle of 125th Street in Harlem on the hottest day of the year.

Any congress person who votes against a single payer solution to the health care crisis will not only lose their government health care plan, but will never be able to see a doctor for the rest of their sorry-ass mother fu**in' life.

Obama will send out his youth corps to confiscate all of the bling those mother fu**in' Wall Street thugs and bull sh*t banksters stole from the American people and take all that swag and create paying gigs for the righteous mother fu**ers who want to fix the fu**ed up infastrucsha rather than waste it on those mother fu**ers who have nothing better to do than to bitch about some mother fu**in' birth certificate.

Obama will force Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and all the other racist mother fu**in' talk show hosts to show up at a midnight KKK meeting in black face in the heart of Dixie.

And if all else fails, Obama will send Michelle to break her foot off in the asses of any mother fu**er who gets in the way of once again making America the most successful, strong-assed middle class mother fu**in' country in the mother fu**in world.

The Republicans have tapped their newest star, Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass) to give the GOP response to Obama's State of the Union speech. Brown will talk about how a dumb-ass unqualified moron who drives a pick up truck is just the kind of guy that America needs back in Washington again.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

NEW STUDY ON MARRIAGE: PROBLEM NOT SAME SEX, BUT NO SEX MARRIAGE
by R J Shulman

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts - (PTSD News) - An extensive new study by the Harvard Medical School has determined that the greatest threat to traditional marriages is not legalizing same sex marriage. Published in the New England Journal of Medicine, the report concluded after studying over 100,000 marriages over a ten year period that "the parents of a family that lays together, stays together."

"It was a real eye-opener to discover that the real reason heterosexual couples broke up was not because some homosexual couple was going at it every night," said Dr. Chauncey Coldbreath, a senior researcher at Harvard, "but that the doomed heterosexual couples were not." "For years many people have been obsessed with the question of whether there is life after death," said Frank X. Loughlin of the Harvard Divinity School, "but after reading this report, the question should be 'is there life after marriage?'"

The real enemy to marriage between a man and a woman is not gay marriage, the report concluded. "What should be outlawed is not same sex marriage, but divorce," Coldbreath said.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

MASSACHUSETTS VOTERS SAY YES TO MORE NO
by R J Shulman

BOSTON - (PTSD- News) - The recent victory of Republican Scott Brown over Democrat Martha Coakley for Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat sent pundits of all stripes searching for the meaning of the stunning upset. "It's obvious the voters of Massachusetts wanted change," said Samuel Hawthorne of the Cambridge Foundation, "because they voted for a candidate who will vote against any change."

"Voters clearly want a change from the failed Republican policies of the last forty years," said Democratic strategist Will Flemming, "so the lesson to take from this defeat is for Democrats to be better at more closely adopting these failed Republican policies."

Republicans have opined that Coakely's defeat spells the end of the Democratic Party. Senate Minority Leader Scott McConnell said, "After these results, the Democrat Party should just fold up its big tent and go home." Upon hearing that Scott Brown was victorious," former President George W. Bush said, "I never thought I'd say this again, but you're doin' a heck of a job, Brownie."

The election of Brown to the traditionally Democratic senate seat which ended the Democrats having a 60 vote filibuster proof margin, has been a relief for some Democrats. "Now we can blame the Republicans for us Democrats not getting anything done," said Sherri Holmquist of the Democratic National Committee. "And the best part of all this is we don't need Joe Lieberman anymore so we will strip him of his committee chairmanships, strip him of his importance, and strip him naked on the senate floor and paddle his butt until it's as blue as the deep blue sea."

Fox News has been calling the Brown's surprise victory as nothing short of "a miracle that's avoided the need for a new American revolution because it stops Obama from forcing his agenda of turning the United States into a Muslim, communist, fascist, gunless, gay French, child killing, black racist, socialist health care death panel wreck of a country."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi were unavailable for comment, as they had recently enrolled in Cajones College and were attending a class called Getting A Pair 101. President Obama told reporters that since he cannot rely on his fellow Democrats to act like the party in power, he is going to have to find his "inner angry black man." "They wanna see some mother fu**in' sh*t, they gonna see some mother fu**in' sh*t," Obama said in what Harry Reid called his dark skinned Negro dialect.

for the real news, visit CLG at www.legitgov.org

GOP WANT TO CHANGE MARTIN LUTHER KING HOLIDAY TO STROM THURMOND DAY
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Leading Republicans have announced they will introduce a bill to rename the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday to one honoring the late Senator from South Carolina, Strom Thurmond. "Now that those people have a president, they don't need a special day for their special rights," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." "Since the unions would scream bloody murder if we took away a paid holiday, we might as well rename it Strom Thurmond day to give the other side to the civil rights issue equal time," said Senator John McCain.

"Strom Thurmond worked tirelessly for America for many more years than King did," said Senator John Cornyn (R-Tex). "You never hear of King serving his country when he was in his eighties and nineties like Strom did." "Martin Luther King day is an example of affirmative action gone wild," said talk show host Rush Limbaugh, "everyone knows King was a Communist who wanted the United States to fail in Viet Nam. What kind of traitorous American would say they want the country and the president to fail?"

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday was first celebrated in 1986 to honor the man considered the most influential person in the struggle for equal justice and civil rights since the abolition of slavery. "Just as there is still an issue whether there is global warming or evolution," said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), "there is still an issue whether ending slavery was the right thing for America." Noted economist, Ashton Washburn IV of the conservative Plantation Institute of Arlington, Virginia said, "The abolition of slavery is the main reason that American jobs have moved overseas, where the wages are much less than are demanded here."

The bill is expected to receive wide Republican support along with the more conservative Democrats. "If it turns out Dr. King would have wanted a public option for health care," said Senator Lieberman (I-Conn), "then I'll have to vote with my Republican colleagues to end the celebration of this man's life work."

However, there may be some opposition from the Republicans themselves. They've all expressed interest to end the King holiday, but disagree on renaming the day. "Strom Thurmond might not be the most appropriate person to honor," said Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), "when it could be named after the most influential person of our time, Sarah Palin."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

PAT ROBERTSON: NO COINCIDENCE VOODOO CITIES DESTROYED
by R J Shulman

VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia - (PTSD News) - TV evangelist Pat Robertson has not backed away from his much criticized comment that Haitians' devil worship caused the devastating earthquake. "While the good Lord works in mysterious ways," Robertson said on his 700 Club broadcast today, "there's no mystery why He smote the two world capitals of voodooism, Port-au Prince and New Orleans."

"At first it seemed our glorious merciful God exercised his wrath because of the homosexual activity in the world," Robertson said, "but I got to thinking that He would have made the 1989 San Francisco quake much more horrific than the one in Haiti."

Robertson said the earthquake striking such an underprivileged country destroys the myth that Jesus loved the poor. "Why else would He slam trailer parks with His tornadoes while sparing country clubs?" Robertson asked. "The truth is, God loves the wealthy as He gave them of His bounty. The notion that it is as difficult for a rich man to get into heaven as for a camel to go through the eye of a needle has been sorely misinterpreted. The Eye of the Needle was actually name of a pass near ancient Nazareth that was the easiest place for camels to pass through the mountains."

Robertson ended his broadcast by asking his followers not to be tempted to send donations for Haiti relief efforts as "those people will only use the money to build golden idols to the devil instead of statutes of Christ. If you send your donations to me instead," Roberson told his followers, "I will pray that the good Lord will not strike your trailer park next."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GOP TO BLACKS: WE MAY SYSTEMATICALLY BLOCK YOUR VOTES, BUT WE WILL PROTECT YOU FROM DEMOCRATIC RACIST COMMENTS
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Republican Party announced today it will begin an all out effort to capture the black vote as it renews its attack on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's comments about President Obama's "Negro dialect." "We want to show the brothers and sisters that we are the party of the big tent," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "as long as those folks enter through the back of the tent."

Republicans will launch a campaign to show how racist Democrats get away with outrageous anti-African American comments, while the media condemns Republicans for little misunderstandings. "When Trent Lott said he thought the country would have been better off if Strom Thurmond had been elected president on the Segregationist ticket in 1948, he lost his job," said Republican Chairman Rush Limbaugh, "so how come Harry Reid didn't lose his for saying "Negro."

Other Republicans have complained blacks have been trained to blindly forgive Democrats while making Republicans pay dearly. "Just because those people may be ignorant crack smoking pimps and prostitutes, doesn't mean they should be ignorant of the unforgivable things Harry Reid said, "said House Minority Leader John Boehner.

Republicans complain the liberal media condemns them even when no harm was intended. "I thought the word macaca was a term of endearment for those darkies," said former Senator George Allen who lost his reelection bid, due in part to his comments describing an Indian man who attended one of his political rallies. "Could you believe all that fake outrage when I called those people 'uppity,'" said Lynn Westmoreland (R-SC). "I just meant it was good those people were trying to pull themselves out of the gutter with their own boot straps and yet those people were all over me like white on Uncle Ben's rice."

"We are going to show the coloreds how hypocritical the Democrats have been, palling around with them to get their support with no intention of helping them," said Senator John McCain. "So it's our job now to tell those people Republicans can be counted on to mean exactly what we say when we talk about them."

"As part of this effort, we are actively seeking African Americans to run for the House of Representatives on the GOP ticket," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, "because we could certainly use more House Negroes."

Pollsters predict the GOP effort to bring African Americans into their fold will be successful . "I suspect the Republicans will easily be able to triple their share of the black vote," said Herman Kling of the Praeger Institute, "from one to three percent."

for the real news visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

PALIN TO SPEAK AT ALCOHOL INDUSTRY CONVENTION IN VEGAS
by R J Shulman

LAS VEGAS - (PTSD News) - Craig Wolf, CEO of the Wine and Liquor Wholesalers of America announced that the keynote speaker at their convention in Las Vegas will be former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. "Governor Palin is just the person to share her vast knowledge about drinking while practicing abstinence only and using alcohol with the use of firearms," Wolf said.

Palin told reporters that she was thrilled to be asked to speak in Las Vegas. "The only thing I haven't quit," Palin said, "is drinking. You betcha, alcohol, especially vodka can be a great help in convincing you that you can see Russia from your house," Palin said.

After Las Vegas, Palin will speak at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans, followed by an appearance at the Flat Earth Society meeting in Topeka, Kansas and ending with an address the Christian Porn Conference in Paris, Texas.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

REID: GOP SHOULD NOT OWN THE WORD "NEGRO"
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid lashed back at Republicans for attacking him for saying in 2008 that Barack Obama was more electable as a African American because he was light skinned and did not speak in a Negro dialect. Reid said, "Republicans are once again employing their patented fake outrage. What they're really upset about is that Democrats have started using words Republicans thought they owned."

"You can't let your political opposition frame every issue and own certain key code words," said George Lakoff author of Don't Think of an Elephant. "For far too long, the Democrats have allowed the Republicans have exclusive use of a word as important as Negro, which has put Democrats at a political disadvantage."

"How dare those those unoriginal copy-cat Democrats use the words like Negro dialect," said Fox's Bill O'Reilly. "I used it first when I said I was surprised Negroes at that Harlem soul food restaurant I visited didn't say things like 'pass the MF tea' and actually used utensils to eat." "The liberals are unprecedented in their hypocrisy," said Rush Limbaugh. "The next thing you know, they'll start calling a spade a spade by stealing my way of referring to the president as the Halfrican. That will take all the magic out of the Negro, if you know what I mean."

"Unlike those Democrat racists, we Republicans are not bigots about those people," said South Carolina Representative Lynn Westmoreland, "when it comes to uppity coloreds, we treat them the same whether they are light or dark skinned. Of course, we would have preferred if McCain and Palin had run against Flavor Flav instead of Obama."

President Obama forgave Reid for his remarks, saying the senator has always been on the right side of civil rights issues. "I can't believe that macaca president forgave Reid for his insensitive remarks," said former Virginia Senator George Allen. President Obama said he was actually pleased with the respect he as received from multinational corporations and the CIA. "They seem to be color blind when it comes to controlling whoever is in the White House," Obama said.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.com/

UPSET AT THEIR MAJORITY, DEMS START RESIGNING
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Like Richard Farina's novel, Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me, the Democrats have been in the minority so long, they can't relate to being the majority party and have certainly not acted like one. First, newly elected Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi tired to flex her muscles by taking impeachment off of the table, impeachment of the minority party's highly unpopular President Bush, who was clearly involved in questionable activities.

Democratic behavior became more erratic when they swept the House, the Senate and the presidency. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately began begging the minority Republicans to play with him, like they were absentee fathers who never took the time to throw him a baseball. The Dems even rolled over on health care reform, an issue they had claimed was their number one project.

But that was apparently not enough. The new Democratic strategy is for certain key party members to refuse to run for re-election. Senator Dodd of Connecticut said he will not seek another term. "I leave the Nutmeg State in the capable hands of our beloved Senator Lieberman," Dodd told reporters, "who is a much better man than I at supporting our all important insurance industry." In a similar move, North Dakota's Byron Dorgan announced his retirement from the Senate. "Being in the majority has been too much pressure for me," Dorgan said It's much easier to complain that nothing is getting done than to be responsible for getting something done."

Democratic Governor Bill Ritter of Colorado said he would not seek a new term. "I am resigning from seeking public office to be more like my idol, Sarah Palin," Ritter said. "I plan to write a self-serving book assailing my enemies, talk up a storm on topics on which I do not possess any knowledge and have fun winking at the camera."

"These resignations are just the tip of the iceberg," said Stewart Helmsly of the Praeger Institute of Bethesda, Maryland. "The Democrats would rather be liked than feared, so they're leaving before the Republican's fake outrage becomes real."

Newly Democratic Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania said, "Darn it to Hanover. To think I just switched parties."

President Obama, who has so far unsuccessfully sought bipartisanship support just announced that he will join the Republican Party while still remaining a Democrat. The president said, "people keep telling me you can't belong to the two parties at the same time, but I said, 'Yes, I can.'" Upon hearing Obama would be half Republican, Rush Limbaugh said, "Now I only wish half of him to fail." Michael Weiner, better know to his rabid radio fans as Michael Savage said, "I'm betting it was the white half of this America hating foreign born terrorist that switched to the GOP."

"What is scaring the families of Democratic politicians the most is not the shaky economy or exploding Muslim underpants at 30,000 feet," Helmsly said, "but that their spouses will quit to spend more time with their them."

When asked if the self imposed exile of the Democratic party could open the door for a stronger third party, Green Party's Gabe Prescott said, "Third party... heck we would be the second party."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

POST TIMES SUN DISPATCH PREDICTIONS FOR 2010
by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Every year at this time, the crack staff of the Post Times Sun Dispatch makes its predictions for the coming year. For 2009, PTSD was 89% accurate, (South Carolina did not officially secede from the union and former President George W. Bush did not actually finish The Pet Goat.

So hang onto whatever you need to hang onto, here are PTSD's predictions for 2010:

1. Republicans blame Obama for Original Sin.

2. Tiger Woods embraces Christianity and runs for governor of Florida as a family values Republican.

3. Sarah Palin quits in the middle of writing her second book, Going Rouge on Going Rouge, quits her new TV show, Pallin' Around with Palin, quits quitting smoking and quits Quitters Anonymous.

4. Rush Limbaugh's chest pains are finally diagnosed as indigestion caused by eating all those poor people.

5. To achieve bipartisanship, President Obama officially joins the Republican Party

6. New Senate rules allow members to keep seats while lobbying for large corporations - actually this is discovered to be an old rule.

7. China sends millions of tons of rice to starving unemployed Detroit auto workers.

8. Dick Cheney's secret bunker is found when construction workers accidentally blow a hole in the gates of Hell.

9. US TV hits an all time low when the Bravo Network hires former President George W. Bush to host, "America's Next Top Serial Killer, heh-heh."

10. Tea Partiers finally realize who has really been screwing them and throw Glenn Beck into Boston Harbor.

11. The final version of the health care reform bill, universally hailed by insurance companies is officially called, "The Money or Your Life Act."

12. Bill O' Reilly is seriously injured by Christmas tree prop which falls on him while he is filming a segment about the War on Christmas.

13. While reading a novella by Franz Kafka, Michael Weiner, better known to his rabid followers as Michael Savage, turns into a giant cockroach, however no one notices any difference.

14. The Bill of Rights is amended to include CEO bonuses as an inalienable right.

15. Michael Jackson is reported as still being dead, sparking two new movies and three TV specials.

16. Congress takes action against a greater threat to America than al Qaeda - labor unions.

17. Angelina Jolie adopts her millionth baby.

18. Banks spend so much money lobbying congress to stop bank regulations, that they need another bail out.

19. Republicans block every bill in Congress and blame Democrats as a do-nothing congress, Senator Harry Reid agrees.

20. There is such global disgust over everything, that most people call for the end of the world to be moved up two years from 2012 to 2010.

Make sure to revisit PTSD at the end of this year to see if we have once again are the most accurate news organization when it comes to predicting the future.

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/

GOP OUTRAGED AT DEMS CALLING NEW YEAR "TWO-THOUSAND AND TEN"
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - No sooner had the new year arrived than politicos had a new bone fight over - what to call the new year. In a comment to reporters on New Year's Day, President Obama said he wanted peace and prosperity for all Americans for two-thousand and ten." Newt Gingrich immediately attacked the president by saying, "only anti-American foreign-born black Muslims terrorists would call the the new year two-thousand and ten instead of twenty-ten."

"Twenty-ten will go down as a date in infamy," said Senator Jon Kyl (R-Ariz), "It's the date Obama declared war on American values by calling it two-thousand and ten." Former Vice President Dick Cheney also blasted the president by saying, "Obama is acting like we are not in a new decade, and that makes us less safe than under President Bush."

Most Democrats are behind the president, but Senator Ben Nelson, Democrat of Nebraska is holding out saying, "I will go along with calling it two-thousand and ten if there's an amendment saying its the year that abortion becomes illegal." Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) said he had no objection, as long as there were at least 2010 loopholes that insurance companies can use as preexisting conditions to deny coverage."

President Obama said he would like to meet with Republicans to resolve the differences, despite evidence that Republican do not wish to cooperate. "It is important that we make sure that Obama's naming of the year fails," said Rush Limbaugh.

Not everyone felt naming the year was a controversial issue. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she really didn't care about the precise name of the year, "unless the year was the same as an ammo caliber, such as 3006, which would need to be pronounced thirty-ought-six." Former President George W. Bush has a different take on the name of the year. "It's an old saying in Texas or Tennessee," Bush said, "that any fool knows the year should be called twenty-oh-ten."

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) said he was deeply concerned because, "what ever they end up calling this year, I'm afraid it will be business as usual."

for the real news, visit CLG at http://www.legitgov.org/