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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Friday, September 29, 2006

By R.J. Shulman
P-T-S-D Entertainment Reporter

HOLLYWOOD – In a move that shocked her fans, Paris Hilton will be changing jobs with George W. Bush. “I’ve tried most other things that can get you in the limelight,’ Paris said, sporting a snazzy navy blue power suit, “so why not try the Presidency.”

“She got the idea from watching the reality show, ‘Wife Swap,’” said long time pal, Nicole Ritchie, who paused to throw up on reporters, “She thought, ‘how can the country be worse off with me in the Oval Office?’”

“They are kind of like twins in a way,” said Diane Sawyer of ABC-TV, “they both rose to prominence based upon the exploits of their parents and are both utterly without talent.” Sawyer added, “They both are against the death tax, and both have faced DWIs.”

“Paris is in for a shocker,” said George W. Bush, “clearing brush on a ranch while trying to torture people with human dignity all over the world is not a piece of picnic.” But media insiders believe that Paris will have no trouble, as she has already tortured people worldwide with the release of her recent Warner Brothers album. “Bush may have the more difficult task,” said one unnamed celebrity reporter, “as he will have to make a sex tape that someone would want to watch.”

Thursday, September 28, 2006

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – By a vote of 65 to 34, the Senate passed a sweeping bill that defines the legal behavior regarding treatment of illegal combatant detainees. While much of the public debate centered around the loss of the right of habeas corpus, or judicial review of the detainee, the Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch has learned that the Republican sponsors of the bill had secretly debated whether the right to eat detainees should be restricted. In the end, the Bush Administration’s pro-cannibalism position prevailed.

“Water boarding and electrodes can only work for so long,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “and we can’t be weak when it comes to the need for getting the meaty details from our enemies.”

“There is so little time,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “and so much data to consume that there shouldn’t be pesky restrictions that would starve our appetite for the truth.” “It was not specifically banned by our founding fathers,” said attorney General Alberto Gonzales, “in fact the phrase that the Government is ‘of the people’ suggests eating others is required by law. You are what you eat, you know.”

When asked if the proposed sanction of cannibalism would violate the Geneva convention, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, “the Geneva Convention does not cover combatants not in uniform. You don’t see deer in uniforms and it is perfectly legal to eat venison.”

When asked about the new bill, Vice President Dich Cheney said, “now that eating the enemy is legal, my hunger is in its last throes.”

By R. J. Shulman

CODY, Wyoming – In a surprise statement, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted today from a bunker near Cody, Wyoming that there may be something to global warming after all. “It’s getting awfully hot in here,” he said over his secure cell phone, “even though I have the refrigeration unit on full bore, if you will.”

While not admitting that the rise in temperature could be from the use of fossil fuels, Cheney mentioned that he has not ruled out the possibility that the heat increase may come from the burning of some compounds such as coal. “I’ve also been keeping track,” he said, “of how many people tell me they feel hot when we're having conversations.”

“I’ve told him [Cheney], that I don’t need his help clearing brush on my ranch,” quipped President Bush, “as that dang pitchfork of his could completely blazify my entire spread.”

Not everyone seems to be concerned with the heat. “It makes me feel alive,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “and I love the smell of sulfur in the morning.”

“The Administration will look into the causes of this increase in temperature, said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “and will conduct some faith-based research to exorcise whatever the hell we need to do to get to the bottom of this phenomenon.”

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON - First there was a leak of the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) report stating that the terrorist threat has worsened since the Iraqi war. Then President Bush countered with a leak of his own, which stated that war in Iraq was a “cause celebre for jihadists.” “You can see the report was erroneously wrong,” said Bush, “as it uses French words and we all know the French are not true Americans.”

Bush further lashed out that the original leak was due to someone in his own administration wanting to make political hay, saying he would never sink to the level of using intelligence reports for political purpose, “which is why,” the President said, “I will not release the latest NIE report until after the election.” “Why confuse the voting public with lots of facts,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “when Fox News can explain just how frightened they should be when they go to cast their ballot.”

However, none of this could stop further leaks of the NIE report by Bush Administration officials. Vice President Dick Cheney leaked a portion of the report that stated that, “if you vote for any candidate with the letter D next to their name, be aware that the D stands for Devil.” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld leaked a portion that stated that “as long as Halliburton vehicles were properly armored, there was no problem going to war with the equipment you have, even if woefully inadequate.”

Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales leaked a portion of the report that stated that “any and all US personnel should be court marshaled if they did not torture at least three people suspected of being Iraqis.” “Innocence or guilt,” Gonzales quoted from the report, “was immaterial.”

An unnamed Administration official leaked the final part of the report which stated that any report with the word “intelligence” in the title was a waste of time, considering who was occupying the White House. “Therefore,” the leaked report said, “the name of the next NIE report will be changed to the National Idiocy Estimate.”

Sunday, September 24, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent press conference, President George W. Bush told reporters that the term “human dignity” that appears in Article 3 of the Geneva Convention was ambiguous. “I may have a clue about the word human meaning two legged people types who support me and my war on terror,’ he said, “ but the dignity part has to be better definitioned.” This call for clarity has been echoed by others who are now asking for certain other terms to be better defined.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld asked for a clarification of what some people mean who have called him “criminally incompetent.” “You go to war,” Rumsfeld said, “with the incompetence you have and how can that be a crime?”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice wants to know what it means when some have claimed she has no soul and forgot what it’s like in the hood. Rice said she wanted a further explanation because it made no sense as "I have plenty of souls on my extensive collection of high quality shoes and I stay in touch with the common man by wearing those white hoods worn by Administration supporters at certain rallies.” Similarly, Senior Presidential Advisor Karl Rove wants to know what a “soul” is.

Vice President Dick Cheney has asked for a clearer definition of the phrase “mass murderer.” “It could mean,” he said, “that a terrorist Islamofascist completely destroys a Catholic ceremony, in which case the term could not apply to me as I am not Muslim.”

Radio talk show host Michael Savage has asked for a better definition of “hate mongerer.” “That is too broad of a term,” he said, “while it wouldn’t apply to me, it would unfair to not narrow the definition as “hate mongerer” would certainly describe every disease-ridden, terrorist, free-loading, Mexican illegal immigrant who can’t wait to sneak over the boarder to have sex with your teenage daughter.”

“There are those who say my son cannot tell the truth,” said Barbara Bush. “But truth is relative and if that particular relative of mine was not installed in the White House by those nice Supreme Court Judges he would have lived an obscure brain-addled life of pure incompetence and destruction. So it all worked out well for my George.”

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

HOLLYWOOD – In a move to shore up slipping support for the Republican Party especially among young voters, President Bush announced that he is releasing a rap album, Blow da Roof off da Sucka. “Dis homie be reachin’ out to da otha homies and what not,” Bush said at his album release party at the Roxy in Hollywood.

Known as George “Big Decida” Bush, the President is joined by guest rapper, Dick “Chill Killa” Cheney. “It adds credibility to the CD,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “to have a guest rapper who actually shot a man in the face.” Cheney raps on I Fought the Law and the Law Lost and Don’t Dis My Bros which includes the lyrics, “Don’t dis my bros, o’ yo ass be in its final throes.”

Also joining Big Decida’s Posse is John “Def Squad” Niggaponte, Rush “Fat Ass” Limbaugh and Donald “Mad Killa” Rumsfeld. Originally scheduled to be included, but left off the CD was Condoleezza “Oil Slick” Rice. “Dat bizatch ain’t got no soul,” said Big Decida Bush, “she musta lef it somewheres in da hood.”

The first singe, I Da Man is scheduled for an October release. “I got a plan,” Big Decida raps, “to stick it to the man, but since I be the man, I gonna stick it to Iran.”

Monday, September 18, 2006

by R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – President Bush took time out from his busy vacation schedule to lobby the Senate for his bill regarding the allowance of certain persuasive measures to be used on detainees in his war on terror. “Working with the Senate has been pure torture,” Bush said in a special Rose Garden appearance regarding the surprise resistance to the passage of his proposed legislation. The bill would authorize the use of special interrogation tactics against United States Senators suspected of being terrorists.

“Without this measure,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “we will not be able to learn the secret plans of the enemies of the state, such as Senator Russ Feingold.” We will have to use something other than waterboarding on Senator Ted Kennedy,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “as he survived being under water at Chappaquiddick.”

Just think of how much money we could have saved on our extensive investigation,” said Secretary of the Treasury Henry M. Paulson, “if we could have used these tactics on Senator Hillary Clinton to find out if Bill was lying about sex.”

When asked about how this might conflict with the Geneva Convention which specifically prohibits such behavior, Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “we will still abide by the Geneva Convention, but only, of course, if the terrorist Congressmen are discovered in Geneva, Switzerland or Geneva, New York.” Further commenting on the legality of the President’s bill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, “the Constitution of the United States not only allows for torture, but requires it.”

“This measure is essential, if you will,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed bunker, “as the insurgents in Congress are in their last throes.” National talk show host Rush Limbaugh agreed with the need for these measures as he “would authorize such tactics to find out who ripped off my stolen drug prescription pads.”

The President has met little resistance in the House of Representatives. “I am looking forward to these new measures,” said House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert, “especially as the President has assured me that the interrogation will be conducted by a bevy of naughty nurses.”

A break in the Senate deadlock appears certain as Senator John McCain suddenly changed his opposition to the President’s bill after conferring with Administration officials for three days straight at an undisclosed location. “I am willing to work with our fearless leader,” said McCain before entering Bethesda Medical Center for removal of several splinters that mysteriously appeared under his fingernails.

Friday, September 08, 2006

By R. J. Shulman
Entertainment Writer

NEW YORK - With the runaway success of the Docudrama, The Path to 9-11 in which it was portrayed that the real person to blame for the September 11, 2001 attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon was Bill Clinton, it seems that ABC Television has invented a whole new form of entertainment.. Unlike Docudramas in the past that would change minor facts to enhance dramatic effect, 9-11 completely ignored or fabricated the essential pacts of the subject matter. Now it seems that other networks are about to jump on the bandwagon with their own versions of the “Docuganda” as it is now called.

“Who thought that we would start a revolution in programming,” said Larry Minton of ABC. CBS is planning to air The Road to Katrina, loosely based upon the disastrous national response to the hurricane that devastated New Orleans. In Katrina, President Bush played by Harvey Keitel explains why it was Clinton’s fault. “I may have played my guitar in San Diego when the storm hit, but Clinton had years to fix the levy that no one knew would break in a storm and all he did play illicit sax for eight years.”

Not to be outdone, A&E is in production for The Road to On the Road a docuganda which shows how Jack Kerouac, played by Harvey Keitel launched the beatnik movement when a young Bill Clinton convinced him to become a commie pinko dropuout. “If it wasn’t for Clinton’s action, the whole sixties wouldn’t have happened,” says producer Matt Drudge.

NBC is scheduled to present, The Street to Missing and Dead White Girls, in which it shows that Jon Benet Ramsay, Natalee Holloway and Nicole Simpson where killed by Bill Clinton. “I knew it was a white guy,” says O J Simpson, played by Harvey Keitel, “cause I heard some bad sax playing by some fat dude carrying a stained blue dress.”

Bravo announced its first docuganda will be The Path to the Crucifixion in which it is shown that had it not been for Bill Clinton, Jesus Christ would not have died on the cross. “I am so happy to get this role,” said Mel Gibson who portrays Judas, “because it comes so naturally for me to play a self-hating Jew.”

In a surprise move, the Fox News network announced that it will be airing The Road to Fascism, which shows how America has become a fascist country under the George W. Bush regime. Shocked that Fox of all networks would show something negative about Bush, an unnamed Fox network spokesperson said, “I guess we can’t be wrong all the time.”