FOX NEWS: POPE SHOULDN’T MIX POLITICS WITH RELIGION, BUT SUPPORT KIM DAVIS INSTEAD

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Bill O’Reilly on Fox News said that Pope Francis was overstepping boundaries and his welcome in the United States by espousing political views when as a spiritual leader he should only be discussing religious doctrine.  “This Pope has unfortunately been politicized by liberals and greedy grant seeking scientists into talking about climate change, a political issue, when he should be talking strictly about religious topics like why Kim Davis should be allowed to refuse to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples due to her deeply felt religious beliefs,” O’Reilly said.

“I am further shocked that rather than follow the teachings of Christ who said that we should not covet thy neighbor’s wealth, the Pope is calling for successful people to be forced to redistribute their property to those jealous of their success,” O’Reilly said.  “And where in the bible did Jesus talk about allowing illegal immigrants into your country willy nilly as supported by Pope Francis?” O’Reilly said.  “I just don’t know what the hell this Pope is thinking.  Maybe before he leaves the US he will come to his senses and bring the real message of Jesus to America, that everyone should have the God given right to own a gun, women have no rights to their bodies, business should be completely deregulated and that taxes should be eliminated for the wealthy job creators.  Then and only then will I start to believe that this Pope is infallible.” 

CARSON CLARIFIES STATEMENT: I MEANT THAT A MUSLIM IS NOT QUALIFIED TO BE POPE

by R J Shulman

CONCORD, New Hampshire – (PTSD News Service) – Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said Monday on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News that “the liberal press and all of its PC nonsense has once again misquoted me. What I said was that a Muslim was not qualified to be the Pope and a Pope is not qualified to be President as he must follow Canon Law and therefore it follows that a Muslim could not be president.”

Republican candidate Carly Fiorina told Fox News‘s Megyn Kelly that anyone who allows himself to get as badly misquoted as Ben Carson has recently is disqualified to be president and should drop out of the race.

Donald Trump told Fox News host Greta von Susteren that anyone who has a face as scary as Carly Fiorina could frighten the children and should be disqualified to be president and therefore should drop out of the race as fast as Hewlett Packard stock fell under her leadership.

Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio told Fox’s Bret Baier that anyone who went bankrupt owing a casino is not qualified to be in charge of the greatest economy in the world and Trump should do America a favor and fire himself and then suspend his campaign permanently.

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said that any Hispanic who does not have clear policy on immigration was clearly not qualified to lead the country, and suggested that Rubio should just say ‘adios amigos’ and fade into the sunset.  Bush made these comments to Fox’s Peter Doocy.

Rand Paul told Bill Hemmer on Fox that anyone who actually thinks that George W. Bush kept American safe is too far out of touch with reality to occupy the Oval Office and said that Jeb Bush may be a loyal brother but, “brother is he wrong for America and I recommend that Jeb immediately cut and run, or more precisely not run.”   

Mike Huckabee told Fox News reporter Elisabeth Hasselbeck that he is shocked that Rand Paul thinks that Hillary’s war in Libya is causing the problems in the Middle East when everyone knows it’s same sex marriage that’s to blame and then asked Paul to leave the presidential race to clear the way for God’s anointed Christian candidates who know what the hell is going on.

Chris Christie appeared on Fox News and told Bill O’Reilly that Mike Huckabee should just shut the hell up and let candidates from states where the majority of people have a full set of teeth run on the GOP ticket so that the Republicans can have a chance to beat Hillary in the November election.  

Ohio Governor John Kasich told Fox News host Chris Wallace that a governor of a state with a failed economy such as New Jersey’s is not qualified to run the country and said that Christie should take a long walk off a short bridge to clear the way for the better candidates.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said that the Republicans cannot have a presidential candidate who has a name like Kasich that is hard to pronounce and doesn’t sound American as it could lose votes for the Republicans.  Cruz was being interviewed by Tucker Carlson on Fox News.

Ben Carson in addition to clarifying his comment that a Muslim is not Pope material said that no one born in Canada, a country with a porous border that allows all kinds of illegal immigrants and illegal prescription drugs to cross the border unchecked is qualified to be a US president and therefore Ted Cruz should drop out of the presidential race. 

By the end of the day, according to the interviews of all of the Republican candidates on various segments on Fox News, the prevailing opinion is that not one of the Republican candidates is fit to run for the highest office in the land.  

WALKER WALKS, BLAMES UNIONS FOR NOT SHARING THEIR ORGANIZING SKILLS WITH HIM

by R J Shulman

MADISON, Wisconsin – (PTSD News Service) – Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced that he is dropping out of the Republican presidential race after a dismal showing in the polls.  “I should have used some of the unemployed union members who I got fired because if they know one thing, they can organize.”  Walker said it was a hard decision to end his bid for the Presidential nomination, “but after a conference with my cousin Johnnie Walker, we decided that quitting before I got even further behind was the best thing.”  

Walker urged other low polling Republican candidates to also leave the race because, “I don’t want to be the only loser to quit before the first primary and also as everyone knows, misery loves company.”   Walker thanked his supporters and said that his only regret was that “I guess I will not be sharing a Koch with the American people.”

Donald Trump said that Walker was a nice guy, “but a total loser who may be a good governor of Wisconsin but ran a cheesy presidential campaign.”

Charles Koch, who had supported Walker said that he was disappointed that Walker had dropped out of the race, but “sometimes the pony you bet on comes up lame.” 

GOP VOWS TO STOP OBAMA’S TYRANNICAL MARCH TOWARD ELIMINATING THE DEFICIT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Republicans held an emergency meeting today to prepare for an important vote to impeach President Obama for high crimes against the American public for trying to destroy their long-held belief that only conservative Republicans are good for the economy.  “We Republicans have been asleep at that wheel,” said Speaker John  Boehner, “because we have let this Democrat President significantly bring down unemployment, nearly double the stock market, provide health care for millions, save millions of jobs in the auto industry and be in a position to bring the deficit to damn near zero.  Every American knows it is an unspeakable treason for a socialist liberal to have done all of these things when it should be a conservative Republican who should get the credit for it.”

“The worst crime in all this,” said Senator Ted Cruz,” who is leading the GOP Senate effort to remove the President from office if the house should impeach him, “is that this kind of economic success is granted by the Constitution solely to a Christian conservative Republican and is not to be usurped by some black, foreign-born Muslim thug.”

GOP front runner Donald Trump said he was in favor of firing the President and said that Americans would not have to worry about economics under a Trump presidency because at the first sign of financial trouble he would simply declare bankruptcy.

RUBIO SUFFERS BREAKDOWN AFTER TRYING TO GET HISPANIC AND ANTI-HISPANIC VOTE

by R J Shulman

CONWAY, New Hampshire – Republican Presidential Candidate Marco Rubio was hospitalized after suddenly collapsing while he was speaking at a rally in New Hampshire.  “He just got through saying, ‘we have to get very tough on those illegal immigrants, mis amigos’ and then began to foam at the mouth, grabbed an American flag in one hand, a jar of salsa in the other and kinda tipped over,” said Buddy Martin, an electrician from Manchester, New Hampshire who was attending the rally.

Rubio aide Bubba Martinez said doctors are treating Rubio for simple exhaustion, but a reliable source says that doctors are concerned that Rubio may be suffering from a form schizophrenia because he seems to have two completely opposing personalities.

Rubio, a rising star in the Republican Party has been courting the Hispanic vote due to his Cuban heritage, but has taken an increasingly hash positon against illegal immigrants due to the success that immigrant-bashing Donald Trump has in the polls.  “If that little weasel thinks he can out trump me on hating Mexicans and the like, he’s got another think coming,” Donald Trump told Fox News.  

HILLARY APOLOGIZES FOR EMAILS AND FOR ANYTHING ELSE GOP HAS NOT ALREADY BLAMED OBAMA FOR

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In an effort to move past the controversy that has plagued her campaign, Hillary Clinton said that she was truly sorry for using her personal email server and added, “I also apologize in advance for any other controversies and scandals that the great right-wing conspiracy may cook up between now and the election that they have not already blamed on President Obama because I want to concentrate on discussing the issues of real importance to Americans.”  

Clinton continued by saying, “and speaking of issues, let’s just say that I agree with all of Bernie Sanders’ positions that have resonated with the American people until I get elected, of course, and then I will revert back to the moderate corporate Wall Street Democrat that I really am.”

Clinton said the “new Hillary” that she is now presenting to the American people believes in complete transparency and honesty, saying, “I won’t say that I believe it’s my turn because that phrase didn’t work so well for Mitt Romney, but I will say that if I am not elected President you should all remember the old adage that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” 

KIM DAVIS CONVERTS TO ISLAM: WILL ENFORCE SHARIA LAW IN ROWAN COUNTY

by R J Shulman

MOREHEAD, Kentucky (PTSD News Service) – The recently freed county clerk Kim Davis announced today that after marrying her sixth husband, Akbar Mohammed Al Kazeem, she has converted to Islam.  “My conscience which is now based upon the Quran will not let me issue marriage licenses to same sex couples,” she told a thinning number of supporters outside her Morehead office.  “We Christians have been double crossed,” said Barbara Mooney, a former Davis supporter.

Ted Cruz said he may remove his support of Davis saying, “I sure like her anti-gay stance, but the Sharia stuff maybe not so much.”

In a related story, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was rushed to a hospital in nearby Lexington, Kentucky.  “Mike heard the news about Kim Davis becoming a Muslim and he kind of just keeled over,” said a Huckabee aide.  Doctor Abhishek Banerjee a physician at Saint Joseph Hospital in Lexington said, “We are not sure if Mr. Huckabee suffered a stroke or just blew some of his brain matter through his rectum.”