SUPREME COURT SIDES WITH REPUBLICAN CONGRESS AND HOLDS OBAMA EXCEEDED POWER AS PRESIDENT WHILE BLACK

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court held that President Obama has been illegally using presidential powers.  Justice Steven Breyer, speaking for the majority, said, “While the Fifteenth Amendment to the Constitutions guarantees people of color the right to vote, it does not say that an African-American can hold the office of President if a duly elected congress thinks that he should not.”

“I welcome the Supreme Court’s important decision, today,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Obama has shown a tendency to think that just because he was elected President, that he can act like one.  After all,” he added, “it’s called the White House for a reason and the last time I looked, the man in the Oval Office is not white.”

Speaker of the House, John Boehner said, “The Court’s decision will give us plenty of ammunition in our lawsuit against Obama for exceeding his authority as a non-white President.  We would not be having a Constitutional problem,” Boehner said, “if Obama would have entered the White house through the back door, or if he acted like a butler or even if he physically helped build the place, but speaking of place, not knowing his, is what has deeply divided this country.”

Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina agreed. “We could be solving the real problems of the country and not be embroiled in all of this gridlock if Obama had not pulled out the race card by choosing to be black,” he said.

Presidential spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters on Air Force One that the White House was “deeply disappointed” by the Court’s decision and that the Obama Administration was still reviewing it, but has reserved the right, if necessary to kick some racist white ass. 

DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING, SOUTHERN PLANTATIONS TO MOVE NORTH OF MASON-DIXON LINE

by R J Shulman

NATCHEZ, Mississippi - (PTSD News Service) – Can you picture Gone With The Wind taking place in Muncie, Indiana?  Strange as this may seem, some shrewd southerners are counting on it.  Climate change scientists have predicted that in as little as twenty-five years most of the southern states will either suffer from massive crop killing heat or be underwater, and that the best places to grow cotton and similar crops will be in a belt stretching from Connecticut and New Jersey westward to Iowa, Kansas and the Dakotas. 

Many southern farmers and businessmen, while publicly denying global warming, have secretly been investing in large underutilized land in northern states and are preparing to bring the traditional southern plantation to a new home.  “All, y’all don’t think it should be left up to yankees to run a plantation do you?” said Clyde Wilson Jennings III of Lafayette, Louisiana.  “I bet a whole tray of chilled mint juleps that them yanks would get too tuckered out just trying to bring in the crops while keeping the help in line.”

Stonewall Jackson Lee Jefferson Davis of Sharecrop, Alabama, who has quietly purchased over thirty thousand acres in central Pennsylvania believes that the southern plantation model with fit quite well in the Keystone state.  “With the exception of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, the social and political beliefs of the rest of the state are just about the same as those here in Alabama,” Davis said.

Another area where large sections of land have been purchased by southern businessmen and descendants of plantation owners is Detroit.  “Since the motor city is not making that many motors anymore, the land here is extra cheap,” said Garson Ricketts Marsden whose great grandfather owned a plantation in rural South Carolina. “And the other reasons that I’m investing in land up yonder is that the climate of the Great Lakes will soon be about the same as it is here in Charleston now and there are an awful lot of out of work black folks up there who have a genetic disposition to understand all about cotton.”

Not all southerners are excited about moving their lifestyle up north.  Scarlett Johnson of Atlanta, Georgia said that she told her husband Rhett that she did not want to move to their new spread outside Dayton, Ohio.  She told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that after expressing her concerns, Rhett told her, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”    

TEXAS REPUBLICANS ENDORSE EVOLUTION THEORY REPARATIVE THERAPY

by R J Shulman

FORT WORTH, Texas – (PTSD News Service) – The Texas Republican Party has endorsed a platform that includes support of “reparative therapy” for those who believe in the theory of evolution.  The new plank endorsed by the Texas GOP at their Fort Worth convention supports “the legitimacy and necessity of counseling, which offers reparative therapy and treatment for those patients seeking healing and wholeness from their misguided belief in Darwin’s theory of evolution.”

While nearly every major health organization including the American Psychological Association has condemned evolution conversion therapy, many delegates to the Texas Republican convention were elated that reparative therapy for evolutionists was endorsed by the Texas GOP.  “I know Jesus would have been so proud of this decision that he would have ridden a dinosaur all the way from the holy land to Fort Worth to tell us so,” said Jonathan Saez, President of Texas Values.

While the Texas GOP platform endorsed evolution reparative therapy, it did not go as far as some wanted, that is to say to call for anyone caught living the evolutionist lifestyle to be stoned to death.     

AFTER SUCCESSFUL USE OF FORMER BUSH MILITARY ADVISORS TO OPINE ABOUT CURRENT CRISIS IN IRAQ ON SUNDAY TALK SHOWS, NETWORKS WILL USE GEORGE W. BUSH TO SPEAK ON WHAT TO DO ABOUT TODAY’S ECONOMY

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) -  This past Sunday, NBC News invited Paul Wolfowitz to talk about what should be done about the problems happening now in Iraq.  Wolfowitz was George W. Bush’s Secretary of Defense and one of the main architects of the Iraqi war who had promised back then that the invading Iraq and toppling Saddam Hussein would pay for itself with Iraqi oil (a $2 trillion dollar mistake). On the same day, ABC News provided watchers with their Iraqi war expert, Bill Kristol, who back then in supporting the war had predicted a two month war in Iraq in which the US troops would be hailed as liberators of a country where the Sunnis and Shia would get along famously.

“We had such success with using Paul Wolfowitz to attack Obama on the Iraqi situation,” said Deborah Turness, President of NBC News, “that next week we have invited former President George W. Bush to explain to us how Obama can make sure the economy can continue to expand and create good jobs.”  Turness said that Bush will also be asked to show those eggheads in the Obama Administration just how to properly use the English language.

ABC News President Ben Sherwood said that Bill Kristol was so informative about what the US should do in Iraq that for their scheduled discussion about how to stay faithful in marriage, they will tap former President Bill Clinton for his advice.  Not to be left out, Les Moonvess, President of CBS Television announced that CBS will resurrect Strom Thurmond from the grave to have a discussion with Clipper’s owner Donald Sterling on how President Obama can improve race relations that have suffered under his presidency.

Fox News in an effort not to be outdone, said that they are planning to have a major conversation regarding truth, justice and compassion and have invited their expert on these issues to lead the discussion, - none other than Satan himself.

JEB BUSH ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENT SAYING HE WILL FINISH THE JOB IN IRAQ THAT HIS FATHER AND BROTHER DID NOT DO

By R J Shulman

ORLANDO, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush made it official today - he will run for president in 2016.   He made this announcement at a fund raiser in Plantation, Florida saying, “When I learned that Iraq military was disintegrating under attack from armed Muslim extremists, it’s clear that unlike my daddy in the first Gulf War and my brother with his shock and awe who did not go far enough, I am the Bush that is needed to finish the job in Iraq.”

Bush told the crowd that, “there are some misconceptions that I am the moderate Bush, but wait until they see what I will do to end the pesky Iraqi problem.  The insurgents will wish it was only the stone age that I had bombed them into.”

“I like Jeb’s chances in the election,” said Karl Rove.  “The American public will see that the third time’s the charm when it comes to Bush presidencies finally getting Iraq done right.  The alternative is Hillary and everybody knows that she couldn’t stop Monica Lewinsky from invading her marriage, how are we supposed to trust her to stop an invasion of Al Qaeda crazed militants?”   

NRA TELLS PARENTS WORRIED ABOUT THEIR KIDS: GET RID OF BRATS, NOT GUNS

By R J Shulman

FAIRFAX, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – In the wake of the Troutdale, Oregon school shooting in which a 15 year-old defeated the safety latch meant to secure his parent’s guns and used their weapons to kill another student and himself, NRA President James Porter said that if a parent is concerned his child may use a family gun for a bad purpose, the gun owner should jettison the kid and keep their guns.  “After all,” Porter said, “guns don’t kill people, children do.”

“The choice of whether to give up your guns or your children was decided long ago by our founding fathers,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. “The US Constitution protects guns, not children.”  LaPierre added, “the shooting in Oregon proves our point.  Whose fault was it? Was it the lawfully owned gun? Was it the lawful gun owner?  Or was it the out-of-control irresponsible boy who broke into his father’s gun cabinet and stole the gun?  Even the unfortunate student who got in the way of the bullet is more to blame than the gun or the gun owner,” LaPierre said.

Many gun owners agree.  “If it comes between my guns and my kids,” said Clete W. Moefuss of Crossville, Tennessee, “I ain’t lettin’ my kids get between me and my guns.”  Wilson Cranklin of Gunnison, Colorado said, “I rather be shooting off my guns than hearing an ungrateful child shooting off his mouth.”

Child welfare agencies are bracing for the inevitable influx of abandoned children of nervous gun owners.  “I used to think that the future of our country was our children,” said Nancy Young of the North Carolina Child Protective Services in Raleigh, “but I guess in reality, the future of our country is our guns.” 

GOP SPLIT ON HOW TO CRITICIZE OBAMA FOR TRADING DETAINEES FOR BERGDAHL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama’s decision to trade five Taliban prisoners from Guantanamo for the release of American Prisoner of War Bowe Bergdahl has created a rift in the Republican Party on which theory they should use to show the American people just how shockingly wrong the President’s action was.

“At first, we were going to attack Obama on waiting so long to free an American soldier,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “after all, the Commander in Chief should know the age old American military policy not to leave any American in uniform behind and we thought it would be politically important to remind the American people that Obama had over five years to get Bergdahl safely home, but instead he wasted his time on telling our troops to stand down at Benghazi, telling the IRS to target conservatives, setting up death panels under Obamacare and directing goon squads to take guns away from law abiding citizens.”

But a second theory of Obama outrage has emerged that seems to be winning over GOP leaders.  This faction does not want to claim that Obama made the trade too late, but that he should not have made it at all.  “When it came to light that there may be flaws in Bergdahl’s character and that pictures of the five Taliban fighters looked exactly like central casting’s idea of the scariest kind of Muslim terrorist, it became more politically important to show that Obama’s sin was not a late trade, but a bad trade, just like $24 dollars in beads for the island of Manhattan,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.

However, there is still disagreement between the Republican establishment, who want to attack Bergdahl as a deserter, traitor and malcontent, while Tea Party Republicans want to disparage Bergdahl by exposing that he believes in evolution and climate change.  “Worst of it all and the reason that Obama should have left Bergdahl behind in Afghanistan,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “is that Bergdahl voted for Obama.”

Senator John McCain had a slightly different take on the matter, saying his is outraged by Obama negotiating with the enemy.  “Except for trading some Viet Cong for me when I was a POW in North Viet Nam, we should never trade war prisoners for captured American soldiers.”

Darrell Issa, (R-Cal.), said that he is launching an investigative committee to determine whether making a bad trade is an impeachable offense. “”I think it is,” Issa said, “and even if it’s not, it should be.  Just ask those long suffering Red Sox fans about sending Babe Ruth to the Yankees.”