DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING, SOUTHERN PLANTATIONS TO MOVE NORTH OF MASON-DIXON LINE

by R J Shulman

NATCHEZ, Mississippi - (PTSD News Service) – Can you picture Gone With The Wind taking place in Muncie, Indiana?  Strange as this may seem, some shrewd southerners are counting on it.  Climate change scientists have predicted that in as little as twenty-five years most of the southern states will either suffer from massive crop killing heat or be underwater, and that the best places to grow cotton and similar crops will be in a belt stretching from Connecticut and New Jersey westward to Iowa, Kansas and the Dakotas. 

Many southern farmers and businessmen, while publicly denying global warming, have secretly been investing in large underutilized land in northern states and are preparing to bring the traditional southern plantation to a new home.  “All, y’all don’t think it should be left up to yankees to run a plantation do you?” said Clyde Wilson Jennings III of Lafayette, Louisiana.  “I bet a whole tray of chilled mint juleps that them yanks would get too tuckered out just trying to bring in the crops while keeping the help in line.”

Stonewall Jackson Lee Jefferson Davis of Sharecrop, Alabama, who has quietly purchased over thirty thousand acres in central Pennsylvania believes that the southern plantation model with fit quite well in the Keystone state.  “With the exception of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, the social and political beliefs of the rest of the state are just about the same as those here in Alabama,” Davis said.

Another area where large sections of land have been purchased by southern businessmen and descendants of plantation owners is Detroit.  “Since the motor city is not making that many motors anymore, the land here is extra cheap,” said Garson Ricketts Marsden whose great grandfather owned a plantation in rural South Carolina. “And the other reasons that I’m investing in land up yonder is that the climate of the Great Lakes will soon be about the same as it is here in Charleston now and there are an awful lot of out of work black folks up there who have a genetic disposition to understand all about cotton.”

Not all southerners are excited about moving their lifestyle up north.  Scarlett Johnson of Atlanta, Georgia said that she told her husband Rhett that she did not want to move to their new spread outside Dayton, Ohio.  She told the Post Times Sun Dispatch that after expressing her concerns, Rhett told her, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”