GOP ANNOUNCES NEW STRATEGY TO WIN FUTURE ELECTIONS:  REPEAL THE 15^TH AND 19^TH AMENDMENTS TO US CONSTITUTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – After almost a month of soul searching regarding their November defeat, Republican leaders have announced reforms needed to recapture the White House.  “Romney’s loss was not due to any flaws in Republican ideology or any failure on our part to properly get our message across,” said GOP National Chairman Reince Priebus, “We lost because too many of the wrong people voted.”

Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell agreed, “We’ve begun a campaign to repeal the Fifteenth Amendment which gave the right to vote to former slaves and men of color, and to repeal the Nineteenth Amendment which broadened the vote to include broads.  The right to vote,” McConnell continued, “has been shown to be more than these people can handle as they overwhelmingly voted for the wrong candidate.  Since our research shows women and blacks will likely make these kinds of mistakes in the future, the Constitution must be changed back to its original purpose which certainly did not contemplate supporting all of this bad voting.”   

House Majority Leader John Boehner believes this new strategy is fool proof.  “If blacks and women can’t vote, then who will vote for the Democrats?  No one, I say no one.” 

Republican strategists said that along with the repeal of those two amendments, they will boost their efforts to overturn the Voting Rights Act and to make a more concerted effort to impose strict voter ID laws in all fifty states.  

“You shouldn’t have the right to vote,” said House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, “if you can’t vote right.

AFTER MAJOR SOUL SEARCHING, GOP BLAMES ROMNEY LOSS ON OBAMA FOR GETTING MORE VOTES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republican leaders, after carefully analyzing Romney’s defeat in the November election have concluded that Mitt Romney’s path to the presidency was thwarted because Barack Obama got more votes.  “Mitt would have easily taken his rightful turn as our nation’s leader,” said National GOP Chairman Rince Priebus, “but Obama had the audacity to politicize the election.”

The GOP concluded that contrary to knee-jerk reports by the liberal media, Romney’s loss was not attributable to the possibility that Romney didn’t appeal enough to middle class voters, may have alienated women and Latinos, said he didn’t care about 47% of the American public, appeared to be an out of touch elitist, looked like he may have a clue about foreign policy, possessed a startlingly unappealing personality and had changed positions more often than an overbooked hooker on a Saturday night.  “Liberals want to convince the American people that there was something wrong with Romney or the Republican message, when the fault of Romney’s defeat was clearly Obama’s for running up a greater vote total, just like he has run up the deficit,” Priebus said.

“We knew that not only the economy, but everything that was wrong in America and the world was clearly Obama’s fault,” Priebus concluded, “but we have to admit that we missed the possibility that Obama could cause Romney to lose by Obama getting more votes than Mitt.”  “The good news coming out of our study of this defeat,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “is that we, as Republicans, don’t have to change any of our positions on anything because, in 2016, there is no way Obama can get more votes than our candidate.”

AFTER GOVERNMENT GOES OVER FISCAL CLIFF; ROMNEY PLANS TO BUY USA FOR PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR

by R J Shulman

BOSTON -  (PTSD News Service) -  While Congress and President Obama position and scramble to avoid the fiscal cliff, there is at least one person hoping they will fail and that the federal train will take that plunge on January 1, 2013.  “If the US goes over the cliff, it will immediately become severely devalued,” said Mitt Romney in an exclusive interview with the Post Times Sun Dispatch, “and me and my Bain buddies will be waiting at the bottom to pick up the pieces at bargain prices.’

“Contrary to popular opinion, the first thing that I will do, once I am CEO of the reconstituted United States, will not to be to cancel Obamacare,” Romney said, ‘no, fist I fire Obama, then I will get rid of Obamacare and third, I will reimburse all of my campaign donors who did not originally get a bang for buck.”

“We have an old saying in the Romney family,” he concluded, “he who laughs last, laughs all the way to the bank.  Ha, ha, ha, ha…”

UNEMPLOYMENT JUMPS TO 9.7% AS ROMNEY FIRES ENTIRE STAFF; FOX NEWS LETS GO OF ALL EMPLOYEES WHO REPORTED OBAMA WON

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Unemployment in the US bounded up from 7.9% to 9.7% in the wake of massive firings by Mitt Romney and Fox News.  “Apparently, we were infiltrated by Obama operatives who falsely announced that the Muslim had won,” said Fox News President Roger Ailes, “so we quickly identified and fired all of these spies, from the statistics guy who called Ohio for Obama to every last person who announced or even believed that Romney lost.  In fact, the only person not fired, was Karl Rove, who we are now building a news department around.”

The biggest reason for the increase in the unemployment rate, however was Mitt Romney, who fired everyone in sight, including his son, Tag.  “He was a paragon of efficiency when he dished out the pink slips,” said Ann Romney, “and thanks to all of the mass firings, which Mitt handled personally, he was at least able to enjoy something out of this election.”

The Obama administration immediately took steps to counter the huge rise in the unemployment rate by hiring thousands of recently fired Fox and Romney employees to begin the daunting task of trying to fix the broken Florida election system.

FOX WORLD’S TEN REASONS WHY OBAMA WON RE-ELECTION

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has just learned that Fox News will  soon be begin broadcasting the ten real reasons they believe that Obama defeated Romney on November 6^th.    The PTSD News Service will now present these well researched reasons that the Fox News anchors will be discussing over and over again over the next few days, month,  years, or for as long as they think it takes to make these reasons become solid facts with the American public.

1.      1. Despite valiant attempts by Fox and righteous-wing talk radio to warn the American public that Obama was a Kenyan Muslim terrorist who wants to send your Bibles and Guns to China, most Americans chose to believe the liberal mainstream media’s lies that Obama was born in Hawaii, that Hawaii is really a state, that Obama is a real Christian presidential candidate, that a real Christian presidential candidate could be somebody other than a Mormon, and that there were still guns and bibles available in American stores.

2.      2. Since only black and Latinos voted for Obama it means that the 2010 census was wrong and whites don’t have to wait until 2050 to become a minority.

3.     3.  Republican voters in Ohio got confused because they thought that if they voted for Obama on the electronic voting machines it would automatically flip their vote to Romney, when that would only happen in minority districts, which means that Romney actually won Ohio if you can follow the logic.

4.     4. Since due to affirmative action, a black person’s vote counted twice compared to a white person’s vote only counting once, Obama was truly the affirmative action president.

5.       5.  Romney was actually more liberal than Obama, so the conservative actually won the election.

6.      6. Karl Rove smoked too much pot when he met with Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson to try and get him to drop out and it was really Rove who dropped out, causing him to fail to properly fix the election

7.      7. Democratic thugs put out the word that they would be able to tell who voted for Romney and be able to hunt them down to personally accuse them of voting that way because they were racists.

8.      8.  People were turned away from the polls in swing states if they could not produce a valid book of food stamps.

9.      9.   Obama’s plan to redistribute the wealth worked so well, that it redistributed the votes, too.

       

      10. I thought Romney got elected?

KARL ROVE COMPLAINS THAT DEMS CHEATED BY VOTING IN DROVES TO OVERCOME HIS DIRTY TRICKS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Karl Rove has finally explained the reason for the startled look on his face when Fox News announced that Ohio and the election belonged to Barack Obama. “Our fix was in and should have been foolproof,” he said today on Fox, “We only needed to shave three points in Ohio, two in Virginia and one in Florida, which we had easily accomplished, to secure the White House for Romney, but cheating Democrats, voting in large numbers caused us to lose what we had stolen fair and square.

“We had four years to purge the roles of likely Democrat voters, rig voting machines, make sure a lack of voting machines in Democrat areas created long lines, robocall Democrat voters with wrong polling information, print pamphlets in Spanish with wrong dates for the election, hire scary poll workers to intimidate likely Democrat voters, hand out invalid forms to African American voters, and execute dozens of other voter suppression gems, but the Dems cheated by simply getting more voters to the polls than we had projected in our model. How could they dare do something that is so unfair?”

Mitt Romeny concurred that he was also shocked by his loss. “Karl Rove advised me not to even bother writing a concession speech as he said this one was in the bag, that the fix was in. Me and my buddies had given that fat turd almost $400 million to his American Double Cross, I mean Crossroads GPS PAC and the bloated buffalo failed to deliver. All I have got to say to you, Karl Rove, you fat f*ck, is that you are going down like a car elevator.”

Rove concluded by saying that, “there ought to be a law that prevents Dems from stealing elections by actually voting. Oh, wait, we did have those laws, the voter ID laws, but communist judges shut those laws down just like a woman’s body will shut down a pregnancy she doesn’t want after she is raped."

A TIME TO VOTE

by R J Shulman

It’s Election Day and I had a great summary all worked out of why you should vote for a certain candidate, but I am not going to post it. You see in all of the rhetoric thrown about regarding this election something has been lost, and that something is the truth.

So instead of trying to prove my candidate’s worthiness, I want to tell you a story.  I am going to ask all of you to use your imagination while you are reading this story, and when you are done I want you to listen to what is in your heart.

This is the story of a President, who took office after the previous party’s leader had messed things up so badly that he had driven the country into the worst financial crisis since the biggest one that country had ever had.  He did it by engaging in reckless and useless wars, letting the wealthy off the hook for paying their fair share of taxes, and by allowing the greed of the already privileged devour the wealth of the middle class and throw many of them out of their homes into the street. 

Now this new President, who is the subject of our story, slowly began to turn things around.  The President was able to end one war and begin the wind down of the other.  The President saved the country’s economy from certain meltdown.  The President made sure that millions of people would get healthcare, as he pushed back against gigantic insurance companies who were mostly interested on making as much profit as they could on the misery of the sick.  The President saved the country’s biggest manufacturing industry with timely loans.  The President made sure there were laws in place that would help protect the pay of women, who were consistently underpaid.  The President oversaw a daring operation that eliminated the country’s arch enemy, a terrorist who was responsible for the deaths of many ordinary citizens of the President’s country.  The President was responsible for repealing a policy in the military that unfairly punished and ruined the careers of good soldiers who had a sexual orientation that was in the minority while at the same time making sure that all in the military received higher benefits for their efforts to defend their country.  The President improved the image of his country with most of the rest of the world.  The President made sure it was easier for its young people to seek a college education, but making assistance to them more available.  The President presided over a modest, but steady growth in jobs and the economy.

All of these accomplishments were completed despite the opposing political party’s sworn oath that their main purpose was not to help the people of their country, but to assure they took power back by making the President a one-term leader by doing whatever they could to stop anything he wanted to do to improve the lives of his countrymen and women.

Now it is election time again.  The opposing party, who was responsible for most of the mess the President had been cleaning up, now has a new standard bearer to run against the President, a person called the Opponent.  

Now picture the Opponent as coming from privilege, who is out of touch with those in his country who work for a living.  The Opponent made quite a fortune buying business and sucking all the profit out of them for himself and leaving the hulk of the business to try and survive, many times causing the loss of jobs of his fellow countrymen and women who had to work for a living.  The Opponent in his quest for power, took whatever position on the issues that he believed at the time he was taking such positions, that he believed would assist him in his quest for power. In fact, he became the candidate with the most flip-flops on issues that the country had ever seen.  The Opponent made it clear that he did not care for 47 percent of his own countrymen and women who he believes do not want to work, but only take from the government because they feel they are victims.  The Opponent continuously lied and distorted facts about the President and rallied support with the use of fear and whipping up anger at the President for imagined wrongs he claimed the President was responsible for.  The Opponent’s distortion of the President’s record became legendary.  The Opponent refused to show his tax returns to his fellow countrymen and women as all candidates have done for the longest time.  The Opponent’s rich and spoiled wife announced to her fellow countrymen and women that they were not entitled to any more information about the business of her husband, the Opponent, even though he was running on presenting himself as a savior of the country because of his business skills.  The Opponent promises that he will bring millions of jobs to his country without details, even though his record as governor of a state showed that he was 47^th in job creation.  The Opponent made promises about bringing jobs to the country, even though he said publically that he likes to fire people.  The Opponent claims he wants to keep jobs in his country when at the same time his own company that he co-founded is sending good jobs to foreign countries so the Opponent can further line his already bulging pockets.  The Opponent does not remove support for candidates who attack women’s rights.  The Opponent does not condemn his own party’s plans to suppress the vote with draconian laws, voter intimidation and vote stealing.  The Opponent has insulted many of the country’s world allies with undiplomatic statements and demonstrated little knowledge of world affairs and the working of his country’s military.  Most of all, by most accounts, the Opponent shows an aggressive personality that makes him so unlikable that his party spends many dollars trying to portray the Opponent as being more human.

Now, even with all of these facts available to the country’s voters, the polls show the President and the Opponent are tied, that’s right, they are in a dead heat.

Now I want to ask you to imagine one more thing.  I want you to imagine that the President is White and the Opponent is Black.  And one more thing - try and imagine that the polls would be still be tied.

(My apologies to John Grisham and screenwriter Akiva Goldsman from A Time to Kill). 

ROMNEY’S FINAL APPEAL FOR VOTES:  IF YOU VOTE FOR ME, I PROMISE YOU’LL GET INTO HEAVEN

by R J Shulman

BRYAN, Ohio – (PTSD News Service) – On the eve of the 2012 election, Mitt Romney has publically made a promise that anyone who votes for him will get “a secure place in heaven.”  He told a rally in this north western Ohio city, “my plan originally called for 12 million new places in heaven but I have just revised my plan upward to include you, if you give me your vote.”

In the middle of his speech, Romney revealed a new campaign poster that read, “Romney + Ryan = Heaven.”  “You all know what kind of a hell Obama has given us,” Romney said, “so, in the words of John Lennon, who I hear was a Beatle, ‘Give Heaven a Chance.’”

When asked how Romney could make good on the stunning promise he could guarantee his supporters heaven, GOP National Chairman Reince Priebus said, “Of course Romney can get people into heaven.  After all, he has more money than God.”

FOX NEWS: BUSH AND BROWN RATHER THAN OBAMA SHOULD GET CREDIT FOR SPEEDY GOVERNMENT RESPONSE TO HURRICANE SANDY

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News reported that the liberal media has unfairly heaped praise on President Obama for his quick response to assist those affected by the devastation of super storm Sandy instead of giving credit to those who deserved it, former President George W. Bush and his appointed FEMA director, Michael Brown. “Just like the left-wing bias of the media gave credit to Obama for Bin Laden’s death when it was clearly the more anti-terrorist Bush administration that laid the groundwork for Bin Laden’s demise,” said Bill O’Reilly, “the same biased media is praising Obama for spearheading the effort to bring federal assistance to hard hit communities when the real heroes in this case are most certainly George W. Bush and Michael Brown for their ground breaking response to Hurricane Katrina.”

“What Brown, as is in ‘you’re doing a heck of a job Brownie’ fame did to New Orleans provided valuable lessons to all future presidents when handling major natural disasters,” O’ Reilly said, “so it is so sad that Brown’s pioneering role in federal aid management under the successful Bush administration has been completely ignored by the liberal press.”

Reverend Franklin Graham also expressed displeasure with the press for showing Obama in what he calls, “a false good light” in the aftermath of the super storm. “As we all know,” Graham said, “the storm was God’s punishment for all of those east coasters choosing the gay lifestyle that is so supported by the Obama administration and then for Obama to try and take credit for helping people injured by the storm he himself helped bring on is so shameless as to make Satan himself turn pale.”

Bill O’Reilly also pointed out that the leftist media has purposely missed the story of how the five thousand dollars’ worth of canned goods gathered by Mitt Romney at a rally in Ohio will finally trickle its way to those in need in New Jersey by mid-2015, because “the godless food stamp-loving, America-hating communists who make up the mainstream media would rather cover that important story up with garbage spewed out to try and make Obama look good in the last week of the election cycle.”