WALL STREET RESPONDS TO PROTESTS WITH COUNTER PROTEST CALLED “OCCUPY EASY STREET”

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In its first official response to the month old Occupy Wall Street protests, Wall Street investment managers, bank CEO’s and insurance executives have hit back. “We will see if those idiotic masses can brave the cold filthy streets, them all huddled and shivering under ratty blankets, teeth chattering out their hateful Marxist slogans,” said Conrad Westfield of Goldman Sachs, “We don’t have to dirty ourselves with that sort of behavior because we already occupy Easy Street.”

“If these old spoiled homeless rich kids want to make fools of themselves, let them,” echoed Walter R. McLeish of Bank of America. “In the time it takes one of those malcontents to scribble out a protest sign I will have earned three million dollars.

“The founding fathers built this country on free speech,” said Antoinette Meyer, successful manager of Acme Investments, a wealthy hedge fund, “and since the Supreme Court says money is free speech, it looks like I’ll be doing a lot more talking than those indigent mongrels gathered in the park.” When told that the people in the street did not have the money to buy even a small amount of influence in Washington, Meyer said, “if the protesting masses don’t have enough bread to buy lobbyists in DC, then they should use cake.”

ROMNEY: I’VE CHANGED MY MIND, I AM NOT A FLIP FLOPPER AFTER ALL

by R J Shulman

DOUBLE FORK, New Hampshire – (PTSD News Service) – Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told a small crowd of supporters that the reason it appears that he keeps changing his postion of issues is that he has an evil twin who deliberately spouts liberal ideas to confuse the public. “Before he was falsely elected president and was living in his native Kenya,” Romney said, “Obama had his evolution loving scientists create a clone of me from DNA they got from a stolen comb.”

Romney says that his double was carefully brainwashed into taking anti-Tea Party positions to sabotage his presidential bid. “For example, my wicked doppleganger has convinced the press that as governor of Massachusetts I was responsible for universal health care. However, not only do I believe that governmental health care is as Communist as Karl Marx, but tell me, how believable is it that I would want to be the governor of a state as liberal as Massacusetts?”

Romney says that regardless of what his twin may have said in the past, he is against abortion, religious cults such as the Mormons, any talk of global warming, greedy workers, special rights for gays and African-Americans, unlawful Mexicans and whatever the Tea Party and Rush Limbaugh will be against now and in the future. “Most importantly,” Romney said, “I stand for what I believe in unless it was something that the Tea Party in now against which meant my original position was taken by my clone and not me.”

DR. LAURA TO VISIT NI**ERHEAD

by R J Shulman
BIGGOT, Texas (PTSD News Service) – Radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger announced that she will be premiering her new talk show on location from Ni**erhead, a hunting camp visited regularly by Governor Rick Perry. “I am coming back to radio to bring back my own version of the Fairness Doctrine,” Schlessinger said, “because it’s not fair that President Obama can say the name of this camp as often as he likes, but Governor Perry gets chastised for it. I plan to change all that.”

Schlesinger’s new show, to debut on SiriusXM Satellite Radio, will bring back the once popular talk show icon who shut down her previous program after being criticized for using the “n” word repeatedly on the air in a conversation with an African-American caller. When criticized for using the word, “Ni**erhead” eleven times in her new press release, Schlessinger said, “I wish those malcontents would stop trying to claim I’m racist. I’m just calling a spade a spade. Ni**er, ni**er, ni**er, ni**erhead is the damn name of the location I will be broadcasting from. What the heck is racist about that?”

Radio insiders say Schlessinger is trying to jump start her career as her ratings have been sagging in recent years. “That’s not the only thing that’s sagging,” Schlessinger quipped, “I can’t use nude pictures of myself anymore to boost my popularity.”

Schlessinger’s new show, “Do What I Say, Not What I Do,” premiers this Thursday on SiriusXM Satellite Channel 999.

GOP: BUSH DESERVES CREDIT FOR KILLING OF GADHAFI

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) - Prominent Republican leaders have been quick to point out that credit for the ultimate fall of Libyan dictator Moammar Ghadafi belongs to former President George W. Bush. “While the liberal press is fawning all over Obama,” said presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, “it was President Bush’s decisive killing of Saddam Hussein that gave courage to those who eventually overthrew Ghadafi that deserves the credit and not the work of do-nothing Obama lounging around basking in the fruits of affirmative action.”

“In addition to President Bush I give credit to the British and French,” said Arizona Senator John McCain, “and it hurts me to have the say the French because we all know they are all cowards and gay, yet Obama allowed them to take the credit from America because he failed to send in American ground troops after failing to bomb the heck out of Tripoli.” Rick Perry weighed in by saying that Bush had always been focused on deposing the Libyan leader, “because why else would W have a hunting camp with the words “Ghadafihead” painted on a rock.” New front runner Herman Cain said it was all well and good that the dictator was killed, but it could have been done sooner and more efficiently if he had been president and used his 9-9-9 plan – 9 million American troops sent to Lybia for nine months at cost of nine dollars.

When contacted by the press, President Bush said that he was too modest to take credit for the overthrow and death of Ghadai, but did say he had put together a plan to overthrow Ghadafi by invading Venezuela.

 CASEY ANTHONY SAYS NO TO WHITE HOUSE BID

by R J Shulman

ORLANDO - (PTSD News Service)  Casey Anthony made it official Today. She is not running for president in 2012.

The young woman, recently found not guilty of killing her daughter Caylee made her announcement to a crowd gathered near the entrance to Disney World. Anthony had recently been courted to run for the highest office by a group of top Republican Party leaders who had expressed dissatisfaction with the current crop of GOP candidates. “In this tough political climate, we need a candidate who can make tough decisions and most importantly, can get away with murder,” said GOP spokesman William Stains. He noted that not only does Casey Anthony have more recognition with the voting public than Romney, Cain, Perry, or Bachmann, but that she has more favorable recognition. Stains also praised Anthony for possessing another important quality of a politician, knowing how to lie, which she demonstrated when she successfully lied to the police about her daughter’s disappearance.

Anthony’s announcement came one week after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said “fat chance” to seeking the presidential nomination and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said no to entering the race saying, “I don’t want to seek another elected office that I would have to resign halfway through.”

When Anthony was asked last week if she was bothered by the fact that being only twenty-two years old disqualified her for the presidency, Casey said that she had obtained a Hawaii driver’s license that showed her to be thirty-five. “Besides,” she told reporters, “If a Kenyan born black Muslim gay-loving fascist socialistic communist who hated America could be president, then why couldn’t a God-fearing, non-Mormon Christian southern white girl who was born in the good ol’ USA be the president?”

However, Anthony said that after careful thought about a possible run for the White House, that she would not run because she could have at least as much influence with Congress if not more as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars than as president of the Untied States. Anthony and Dr. Conrad Murray, currently on trial for the death of his patient Michael Jackson, are slated to appear on the cast of the next Dancing With the Stars.

GOP ENCOURAGES SUPPORTERS TO "OCCUPY MAIN STREET"

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - In response to the growing grass roots movement to occupy Wall Street, GOP leaders have made a call for Republicans and conservatives to counter the protests by occupying Main Street, that is protesting at the homes of those gathering on Wall Street to blame the banks and brokers for their own laziness.  "The Tea Party showed the way by occupying Town Halls over health care reform and now they can start occupying town homes, condos, houses and apartments of these youthfull thugs littering Wall Street," said presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.

"When those creeps are not protesting on Wall Street, they are just hanging around pool halls waiting for handouts," said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, "when they should aspire to be like the hard working people hanging around their pool waiting for their dividend checks to come in."

"We must put an end to these anti-American protests," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor, "because these enemies of the United States are openly attacking the most sacred of American values, a value more important that motherhood, apple pie or baseball - they are attacking the God-given right of a CEO to get a huge bonus." 

"If I am elected president," Mitt Romney said, "I will make sure these Wall Street protest criminals lose the right of free speech and I will do that by changing the First Amendment to make sure that when it comes to free speech, corporations are considered people while people are considered not to be people."

Rick Perry also supports the occupy Main Street movement and said that the "problem of the unemployed trouble makers trying to bring down capitalism on Wall Street could be solved with either one of our famous Texaas minimum wage jobs or by a lethal injection, just like we do in the Lone Star State."

"If these people don't like it in America," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "they why don't they just leave and go to Communist China and see how great an economy can be if employers are not hampered with having to pay decent wages or worry about things like workers' safety or pollution.  Heck, they can even see what well behaved worker actually took their job."

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said the Occupy Main Street movement is nothing new as "the bankers and brokers have already repossed many houses and businesses on Main Street."

PERRY TO CHANGE NAME OF CAMP DUE TO PRESSURE FROM "DAMN COLOREDS AND NOSEY JEWS IN LIBERAL MEDIA"

by R J Shulman

NORTH INJUN CORNERS, Texas - (PTSD News Service) -  Due to the swirl of bad publicity this past weekend, Governor Rick Perry has announced that he will officialy change the name of his family's hunting camp which for years was called  "Ni**erhead." 

"It's a sad day when a man cannot honor the tradition of his family property and is forced by liberal political correctness to erase years of proud history because of some falsely perceived insensitivity on my part."  Stating that nothing could be further from the truth, Perry said, "the hunting camp will have a new name as soon as I decide between "Wetback Acres" or "Faggot Falls."   Perry said he will choose the name using the "eenie meanie miney moe, catach a you know what by his toe," method to make the decision.

GOVERNOR CHRISTIE WEIGHS IN ON PLANS TO ENTER PRESIDENTIAL RACE

by R J Shulman
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - New Jersey Governor Chirs Christie told a group of supporters that "enterng the race is a heavy issue with huge consequenses, but I am leaving my plate empty enough to dive in if necessary because the steaks are high,the country is starving for new ideas and I am burtsting at the seams with ways to tighten the belt, trim the pork, and cut the fat to reduce the budget."

"My critics have had a feeding frenzy saying I don't have the stomach for the grueling pace of a campaign and have said that I have bitten off more than I can chew. However, they will find it hard to swallow that campaigning for me will be as easy as pie, a cake walk, as the voters will eat up my ideas lke fresh red meat."

Christie did not actually announce he is running, but gave his supporters food for thought when he said, "If you have a gut feeing that I will go head to head with those ding-dongs and hohos,you might be right."  

Christie concluded by saying, "whichever way the cookie crumbles, fat jokes are off the table."