MARK MCGWIRE STATUE SCULPTOR CHARGED WITH USING STEROIDS
By R J Shulman

WRIGHT CITY, Mo. - A bronze statue forged to honor slugger Mark McGuire has yet to see the light of day, due to allegations that sculptor Harry Weber may have used steroids when he crafted the statue. The St. Louis Cardinals commissioned the statue in 2002 after McGwire broke Roger Maris’ 37 year-old home run record in the 1998 season.

At the time the statue was created,” said Cardinals president Mark Lamping, “it was a slam dunk that Weber’s statue would be proudly displayed with other Cardinal legends outside of Busch Stadium. But that all changed when Weber was evasive in testimony to Congress about his alleged steroid use when he cast the bronze.”

“I don’t know why they are picking on me,” said Weber from his rural Missouri workshop, surrounded by several statues of famous hunting dogs, “Baseball didn’t ban sculptors of famous ball players from using steroids until last year.”

LOST CHENEY ‘I HAD A DREAM’ SPEECH FOUND
by R J Shulman

DALLAS – On his last day of work before his job was shipped to Dubai, a janitor at Halliburton discovered a hidden document under an old desk. “I knew that I was cleaning what used to be Dick Cheney’s office, so I turned it over to the bosses,” said Jaime Guitierrez, a twenty year veteran of the formerly Dallas based company.

“Apparently Dick was planning to give this speech in August 1988,” said Clayton McSweeney, a Halliburton spokes person, “but he never got the chance as he had a heart attack.” “We thought this gem was lost forever,” said Halliburton CEO David Lesar, “but now the American public can get a proper view of a man that the liberal press has slandered, a man with the desire to hearken back to the days of traditional American family values, such as slavery.”

Some of the highlights of the speech are, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self evident that some men are created more equal than others, that one day in the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slave owners will re-enslave the sons of former slaves and sit down at a table where the former will be well served by the latter. I have dream where once again my children, even the lesbo will be judged by the color of their skin and not the content of their character, cause God knows I didn’t have any of that to pass down."

For a complete text of the speech go to http://www.whatwouldcheneydo.com/.

In the wake of this discovery, Representative Trent Lott (R-Miss.) introduced a bill to change the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. national holiday to Richard Bruce Cheney Day. “It would be a day celebrating the traditional hard working ethic of the American people,” said Lott. The bill stipulates that except for high ranking management and legislators, employees would have to work a double shift that day. “There would be no overtime pay, actually, no pay at all,” said Lott, “so the average American worker could have empathy with the 10% or so of the you know whos, who would now be promoted from the lazy welfare rolls to the satisfying work of slavery.”

STUDY SHOWS BUSH MORE EFFECTIVE THAN SADDAM HUSSEIN IN IRAQ
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – A group of American and Iraqi epidemiologists have reported that over 655,000 people have died in Iraq since the United States led “Coalition of the Willing” attacked the Hussein regime on March 19, 2003. This number of dead Iraqis is the amount that would not have died in the past four years had the invasion not occurred, the newly issued report stated.

By comparison, in his 25 years as leader of Iraq, Saddam Hussein caused the deaths of as many as 500,000 Iraqis and another 500,000 in his needless war with Iran. “At the rate Bush is going, he will top Saddam in a mere eight years, an amazing seventeen years ahead of the pace of the Bagdad Butcher,” said an unnamed White House spokesperson.

“The liberal press can no longer say,” said Vice President Dick Cheney from an undisclosed bunker location, “that there is any incompetence in the President’s plan for the war. I mean, would you rather have those 655,000 dead Iraqis over there or have them over here?”

“And I thought that only about 30,000 of them A-rabs had died,” said a up-beat President Bush. “I guess you can’t underesteeming the power of American enginoos and their enginooity.”

“These numbers are rock solid,” said Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, “unlike the phony poll numbers the President is getting from the slanted liberal media regarding his approval rating.” “It’s good to finally see some statistics coming out of Iraq that are so accurate you can take them to the bank,” echoed Thomas C. Wentworth, a senior official with Halliburton.

SMITH AUTOPSY: ANNA NICOLE DIED OF ACCIDENTAL NEWS OVERDOSE
by R. J. Shulman
DANIA BEACH, Fla - Playboy Playmate, Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental news overdose, authorities said Monday. Broward County Medical examiner Joshua Perper said Smith died of “acute Paparazzingits, brought on by her continued exposure to the news media.”

“She just never got over the news coverage of her son’s death,” Perper said. “Basically she was hounded to death.” Friends say that at least Anna Nicole was spared the media circus surrounding her untimely demise. “She would have croaked all over again, kinda of like a Déjà vu death,” said her mother, Virgie Arthur.

“Such coverage in its extreme can cause severe depression, sudden weight gain and even death,” said Dr. Chip Walls, a forensic toxicologist for the Miller School of Medicine at the university of Miami. “Just look at what happened to Princess Diana.”

Friends of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brittany Spears and Jennifer Aniston have expressed fears for their health. “Madonna may be just one child adoption story away from death,” said Katic Couric of CBS news. “And I’ll be just the right person to report the exclusive coverage.”

EDWARDS APOLOGIZES FOR HIS WIFE’S ILLNESS; THEN APOLOGIZES FOR BEING BORN
By R J Shulman
WILMINGTON, N.C. – In a speech at the Unitarian Church of Wilmington today, Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards apologized to everyone for disclosing that his wife Elizabeth’s cancer had returned. “I just don’t know what I was thinking,” he said, “It was so selfish of me to offend the American people with this news, that I now officially apologize that I was even born.” He stopped short of saying that he would remove himself from the Presidential race.

This comes on the heels of being chastised by Katie Couric for his faux paus on CBS’s Sixty Minutes last Sunday. “When my husband was dying from cancer you didn’t see me go for the sympathy,” Couric said with her trademark smile, “I just kept being as perky as ever.” When asked by a fellow reporter why she kept working during her husband’s illness but questioned Edwards' decision to stay in the race, Katie said, “It’s a heck of allot harder, you know, being President than being perky, well maybe not.”

“Apologizing to the American people is the least he could do,” said Vice President Cheney. “Just like old Harry Whittington apologized to me for getting his face in the way of my shotgun, Edwards got his face in the news when the American people should be thinking about supporting our war on terror. So I plan to have a little chat with him,” Cheney continued, “on the hunting trip I have invited him on.”

“We are calling for a congressional investigation,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “into what Edwards knew about his wife’s condition and when he knew it. The Valarie Plame and Federal prosecutor firings will pale in comparison to this investigation.”

National talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who has been calling for a full scale investigation of Edwards said on his show today, “and don’t let that crying sympathy seeking liberal try to hide behind some phony right to privacy to deny the American public access to Mrs. Edwards’ medical records. There is no right to privacy here folks, except of course, for my medical records.”

ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNS; MICHAEL JACKSON NEW AG
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Under pressure for overseeing the firing of eight federal prosecutors for apparently unethical political reasons, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales turned in his resignation early today. Speculation that George W. Bush might not accept the Attorney General’s resignation soon ended when the President said, “You’re doing a heck of a job Gonzie. In fact I’m promoticating you to the new cabinet post of Secretary of Torture as I am the promoticator.”

“Alberto will be able to pursue his duties,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “without the pesky interference of ethics or the quaint restrictions of the Bill of Rights.” Gonzales announced that his first order of business will be to interview recently fired New Mexico federal prosecutor David Iglasias for a new post. “It will be,” said Gonzales, “a post of the whipping kind for the little squealer, if you know what I mean.”

In a surprise development, President Bush named pop star Michael Jackson as the new Attorney General. “Michael has shown a complete disregard for the law,” said an almost smiling Dick Cheney. “If there is anyone who can get around ethics and the legal tangle to allow us to fight the war on foreign and domestic terror,” the Vice President said from an undisclosed bunker, “I know that it’s Michael that can beat it.”

“The first order of business,” said Jackson, from his Neverland Ranch near Santa Barbara, California, “is to lower the age of congressional pages and increase the number of sleepovers at the White House.”

JUDGE AWARDS ANNA NICOLE SMITHS BODY TO SCOOTER LIBBY
By R J Shulman
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL - In a stunning move, circuit court judge Larry Seidlin reversed himself today and awarded the body of Anna Nicole Smith to former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff, Lewis “Scooter” Libby. “It breaks my heart,” said a weeping Seidlin, “that such a great body of work such as Anna’s should be buried forever in a far distant land like the Bahamas.”

“He knew that Libby would be good at outing Anna Nicole like he did Valarie Plame,” said a judge’s spokesperson, after the judge broke down into uncontrolled sobbing. “Anna was the kind of special gal that looked good no matter what her weight, whether full figured or looking like a skeleton.”

“After Scooter gets his pardon,” said legal analyst James P. Naughton, “he will have plenty of time to disclose Anna Nicole to the press. No one is more qualified to handle such matters than Scooter. After all, the former model will be just one more skeleton in Libby’s closet.”

In a related story, Trimspa named a new spokesperson to succeed Anna Nicole Smith, by unveiling a campaign that will feature Deputy Chief of Staff and Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. “If there is any major pork to be lost,” said Clayton Margulies, head of Phipps-Langdon, Trimspa’s ad agency, “it’s the blubber carried around by white middle-aged neo-cons.”