EDWARDS APOLOGIZES FOR HIS WIFE’S ILLNESS; THEN APOLOGIZES FOR BEING BORN
By R J Shulman
WILMINGTON, N.C. – In a speech at the Unitarian Church of Wilmington today, Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards apologized to everyone for disclosing that his wife Elizabeth’s cancer had returned. “I just don’t know what I was thinking,” he said, “It was so selfish of me to offend the American people with this news, that I now officially apologize that I was even born.” He stopped short of saying that he would remove himself from the Presidential race.

This comes on the heels of being chastised by Katie Couric for his faux paus on CBS’s Sixty Minutes last Sunday. “When my husband was dying from cancer you didn’t see me go for the sympathy,” Couric said with her trademark smile, “I just kept being as perky as ever.” When asked by a fellow reporter why she kept working during her husband’s illness but questioned Edwards' decision to stay in the race, Katie said, “It’s a heck of allot harder, you know, being President than being perky, well maybe not.”

“Apologizing to the American people is the least he could do,” said Vice President Cheney. “Just like old Harry Whittington apologized to me for getting his face in the way of my shotgun, Edwards got his face in the news when the American people should be thinking about supporting our war on terror. So I plan to have a little chat with him,” Cheney continued, “on the hunting trip I have invited him on.”

“We are calling for a congressional investigation,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “into what Edwards knew about his wife’s condition and when he knew it. The Valarie Plame and Federal prosecutor firings will pale in comparison to this investigation.”

National talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who has been calling for a full scale investigation of Edwards said on his show today, “and don’t let that crying sympathy seeking liberal try to hide behind some phony right to privacy to deny the American public access to Mrs. Edwards’ medical records. There is no right to privacy here folks, except of course, for my medical records.”