BUSH BLAMES DIP IN POLLS ON DEAD SOLDIERS
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – With his popularity ratings at the lowest point in his Presidency and the GOP reeling at the prospect of losing seats in Congress in the coming midterm election, President Bush has blamed the GOP woes on dead soldiers in Iraq. “The have been deliberately getting killed to hurt Republicans,” he said. “It is shameless how they have politicized their deaths to make the American people think that our mission accomplished in Iraq is now negatorily accomplished.”

“We are investigating to see if these soldiers are purposefully walking in front of bullets, and finding roadside bombs to roll over,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “We suspect these dead soldiers are being supported by the Clintons and financed by George Soros and the gay agenda,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

“You will find that every dead soldier is either a Democrat or has one in his family,” said national talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who mimicked a dying soldier on Fox News Sunday by grimacing and falling off his chair. Ann Coulter echoed the sentiment saying that the soldiers are “dying to hurt the Republicans, so they are just dying.” “It is obvious,” said Bill O’Reilly, on his Fox TV show, “that some renegade soldiers are more than happy to die for the Democrats and their liberal allies in Al Qaeda.”

Vice President Dick Cheney said, however, that he is not that concerned about the recent rise in the number of deaths in Iraq as, “I believe, if you will, that the dead soldiers are in their final throes.”
“We have asked the dead soldiers to apologize to the American people for their lack of patriotism,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “but so far, the dead soldiers have remained silent.”