FOX NEWS DECLARES MID-TERM ELECTIONS A SWEEPING SUCCESS FOR CONSERVATIVES

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – Fox news has just declared the mid-term elections a sweeping success for Conservatives. “While many have concentrated on the success of certain candidates running under the Democrat banner,” pundit Bill O’ Reilly said, “the important thing is that there were no Communists or Islamofaschists elected to any office, all due to the power of the Conservative movement.”

“This all went according to plan,” said Senior Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. He revealed that the Republicans “planted Conservatives into the Democrat party who will show their true colors as soon as they take office.”

“It was the secret plan to win in Iraq,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “the insurgents will think that pullout is imminent, let down their guard and then, pow, bam, shock and awe, the phony Dems will show those sub-humans a thing or two.” The former Secretary let slip that the newly elected Dems will sweep Rumsfeld back into his old job. “I’ll let them beg a little,” Rumsfeld quipped, “like a hot page would before answering one of Mark Foley’s emails. Then I will say ‘yes.’”

“The issue of torture has not died a horrible death,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “The Dems are secretly as sadistic as the Marquis de Sade himself. This will be like squishing the life out of two birds with one stone – you get the torture and the Dems can get blamed.”

“For a un-fabulous second of a minute,” said President George W. Bush, “ I really thought my little Goat was cooked, but then Dick (Cheney) presenticated to me that these Democraters were plants, Conservative ones, like in the Mandarin Candidate, where Frank Sinatra still gets to sing ‘My Way, or the highway’ just like I still can.”