BOLTON TO PLAY GANDHI IN NEW MOVIE

by R. J. Shulman

HOLLYWOOD – Lyin’ Gate Productions, who were responsible for The Path to 911 has announced today that United States U.N. Ambassador John Bolton has been tapped for the lead roll in a new movie about Gandhi. “With all my ass kickin’ experience at the UN,” said Bolton at a Hollywood press conference, “I am ready to do an ass kickin’ Gandhi.

The movie entitled, Gandhi: The Fast and the Furious and the Furious Fast, focuses on a little known incident in which Gandhi reportedly went on a eating binge right after finishing one of his famous fasts. “I can’t wait to do the scene,” said Bolton, “where I tear into that cow’s flesh.”

The movie is scheduled to start filming next February at a location near Benson, Arizona. “That shouldn’t interfere with my schedule,” said Bolton, “as those wussy Democrats aren’t going to send me back to the UN any time soon.”

When asked by a reporter if he was going to study the life of Gandhi and learn how to meditate, Bolton said, “meditate on this, asswipe,” and smashed the journalist’s camera on the surprised newspaperman’s head. “If Gandhi had only done that,” said Bolton, “he’d be alive today.”