ALBERTO GONZALES RESIGNS; MICHAEL JACKSON NEW AG
By R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – Under pressure for overseeing the firing of eight federal prosecutors for apparently unethical political reasons, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales turned in his resignation early today. Speculation that George W. Bush might not accept the Attorney General’s resignation soon ended when the President said, “You’re doing a heck of a job Gonzie. In fact I’m promoticating you to the new cabinet post of Secretary of Torture as I am the promoticator.”

“Alberto will be able to pursue his duties,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “without the pesky interference of ethics or the quaint restrictions of the Bill of Rights.” Gonzales announced that his first order of business will be to interview recently fired New Mexico federal prosecutor David Iglasias for a new post. “It will be,” said Gonzales, “a post of the whipping kind for the little squealer, if you know what I mean.”

In a surprise development, President Bush named pop star Michael Jackson as the new Attorney General. “Michael has shown a complete disregard for the law,” said an almost smiling Dick Cheney. “If there is anyone who can get around ethics and the legal tangle to allow us to fight the war on foreign and domestic terror,” the Vice President said from an undisclosed bunker, “I know that it’s Michael that can beat it.”

“The first order of business,” said Jackson, from his Neverland Ranch near Santa Barbara, California, “is to lower the age of congressional pages and increase the number of sleepovers at the White House.”