GOP CRIES FOWL OVER OBAMA PARDONING A MUSLIM TURKEY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans are up in arms over the two turkeys named Honest and Abe that President Obama pardoned today at the White House. “It’s an outrage that Obama had the audacity to pardon a turkey whose real name was Ibrahim, obviously an Islamic bird,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “and I have it on good authority that this jihadist turkey snuck into the United States with Syrian refugee turkeys.”

“I would not be pardoning a terrorist turkey,” said Dr. Ben Carson, “I’d be doing some carving. Now, somebody hand me a knife.”  “How crazy is it,” said Donald Trump, “that this loser of a president pardoned a turkey that is directly related to those New Jersey Muslim turkeys that cheered on 9-11.” 

“What I want to know,” said Senator Marco Rubio, “is how Obama can justify sparing the life of a non-Christian foreign turkey when there are so many doomed American turkeys here at home.”  “It’s ironic that Obama would spare a turkey named Honest when his has been less than that about his Kenyan birth certificate,” said Carly Fiorina.

“Abe is not the turkey that I am concerned with,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin upon hearing that the two animals were spared, “and I can be assuring you that the Turkey I’m talking about will not be pardoned.”

GOP HOUSE UNABLE TO AGREE ON NEW MUSLIM RESTRICTIONS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – GOP lawmakers in the House held a debate today on a new bill, The They Hate Us For Our Freedom Act, that purports to protect America from terrorists by requiring special identification for Muslims.  However, Republicans could not agree on specific measures to best achieve this goal.

One proposal that failed to get a majority was to require all Muslims to carry a photo ID and show it whenever anyone asked, but lost support because it was feared that the card might be used for voting or purchasing firearms. “I think they should have to wear a star and crescent pin,” said Pete Sessions of Texas. Tom Cole, R-Okla. disagreed saying, “that’s giving support for their religion. They should have to wear special government issued crosses to both show who they are and that they are living in a Christian country.”

Trey Gowdy, R-Tex. said, “I think they should wear a big star for all to see and the star should be yellow because they are all cowards.” But Renee Ellmers, R- N.C. said that pins and stars might be hard to see from a distance and suggested that Muslims be required to wear muslin.

The idea for the bill has broad support from the Republicans with some Democrats supporting the idea.  However, Representative Jim McGovern of Massachusetts said, “the bill is aimed at fueling fear rather than protecting the American people.”

“I know we have some minor disagreements,” said Speaker Paul Ryan, “but we can all agree that history has taught us that we need to find a final solution to the problem of terrorism.  After all,” Ryan said, “this is the land of the free.”

GOP HOPEFULS JOCKEY FOR POSITION AS MOST ANTI-MUSLIM CANDIDATE

by R J Shulman 

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In the aftermath of the Paris terrorist attacks, Republican presidential candidates are vying to establish themselves as the person most qualified to protect Americans from extremists.  Donald Trump said, “I would close down the borders and the mosques and build a wall around the mosques and the borders with a beautiful door in those walls that you would love that I can get for a great price.”

“I would only let in Christian Syrians refugee’s,” Jeb Bush said, “and we can tell who’s Christian by seeing if they boycott a red Starbucks cup.” “I agree,” said Lindsey Graham, “but the Christian test I would use would be one devised by Dick Cheney.”

Rick Santorum said, “the Christian thing to do is to deny every Middle Eastern husband, wife and infant from finding shelter and make sure they slept in a manger before any tax dollars would be used to house them.”

“I would trap all of the Syrian terrorists in a giant traffic jam and throw them off a bridge,” said Chris Christie.  Ben Carson told reporters that he had a better plan in which he would personally stab each of the bad guys. “And this time, I won’t miss,” Carson said.

Carly Fiorina said that if she was president she would fire any federal employee who allowed a Syrian refugee in the country, “and if there is anyone who knows how to let people go, it’s me.”  “What really bothers me about letting in Syrian refugees,” said Marco Rubio, “is that one of them could use an assault rifle and kill a bunch of Americans and the next thing you know the gun grabbing nuts would come out of the woodwork and try and pass gun control laws.”

“I would like to take a more reasonable approach regarding the Syrian refugees,’ said John Kasich, “but the Republican base would just boo me more than they have already.”

“I might want to un-suspend my campaign and jump back in the race,” said Rick Perry, “because every American should know that if ISIS attacked Paris, France, the next three places they could attack would be Paris, Texas, Paris, Tennessee and I forge the third American Paris that could be a target.”

Rand Paul said that the Syrian refugee crisis could be solved with deregulation and lower taxes.

Ted Cruz was more pessimistic. “The terrorists are already here,” he said, “they have infiltrated the media and are planning to attack Republican candidates with dangerous gotcha questions at the next debate.”  

HOUSE TO INVESTIGATE HILLARY EMAILS TO DETERMINE IF SHE ORDERED STARBUCKS TO WAGE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans in the United States House of Representatives have formed a select committee to investigate the possible connection between Hillary Rodham Clinton and the recent decision by Starbucks to serve drinks in a plain red cup without a specific Christmas reference. “Starbuck waging war on Christmas is the most shocking anti-Christian act since Jesus was nailed to the cross and we have reason to believe that Hillary Clinton is responsible,” said Representative Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, chairman of the committee that will investigate the matter.  Gowdy indicated that they will require that Hillary turn over all emails, transcripts of all telephone calls, personal mail and any postings on social media.

“She will have to answer some tough questions on just why when she was Secretary of State that not once did she demand that Starbucks make sure that their holiday cups be pro-Christmas,” said Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio, “and if you are not pro-Christmas than you are pro-Islamic terrorist.”  “We need to know why she keeps changing her story of whether she enjoyed drinking a Chestnut Praline Latte from one of the anti-Christian cups,” said Representative Mike Pompeo of Kansas.

Democrats Adam B. Schiff and Elijah E. Cummings angrily accused the Republicans of wanting to conduct the hearings for purely political motives. “Did these same Republicans investigate any Bush appointee during his administration when the phrase “Happy Holidays” actually became more popular than “Merry Christmas?” Schiff said.  Gowdy vehemently denied that the hearing was political in nature and the fact that he scheduled the first hearing on December 19, 2015, the date of a New Hampshire Democratic debate was purely coincidental.  “We should be able to wrap this investigation up in about ten hearings,” Gowdy said.

JESUS BEATS ALL CANDIDATES BUT REAGAN IN LATEST PRESIDENTIAL POLL

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Due to the tediously long 2016 presidential race, various polling organizations have tried to make matters more interesting buy moving away from the simple comparison between the various Republican candidates and how they might stack up against potential Democratic nominees.  In a new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, Hillary Clinton beats her husband, former President Bill Clinton 68% to 31% for the 2016 nomination, while 52% think she should just beat her husband.  That very same poll has Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in a dead heat.

A new ABC News/Washington Post poll indicates that Jesus has a double digit lead over all presidential candidates Republican or Democrat except for Ronald Reagan who enjoys a five point advantage over the Son of God.  Quinnipiac University conducted a poll which concluded that Americans believe that a common tree stump is more intelligent than George W. Bush by a 21 per cent margin.

In a different survey, Gallup found that Ben Carson could beat Carson Daly 54% - 51%, but would lose to Johnny Carson by 8 points, who would lose to Johnny Walker, especially in the southern states.  Harris conducted a poll that showed that Americans prefer Right Twix for president over Left Twix by 5 percentage points, while Fox News unveiled a poll that showed that a President Benghazi would beat a President Hillary Email by a slim margin, well within the margin of error.

In a related poll, Rasmussen found that Americans prefer NBC/Wall Street Journal polls over Quinnipiac polls by 9 points, while Las Vegas gives 2-1 odds that it will be discovered that all of the pollsters have their heads way up their asses.

PAUL RYAN: I WILL PUT AN END TO SENIORS AND CRIPPLES LOAFING OFF OF SOCIAL SECURITY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – On his first day as the new Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan announced that his top priority will be to introduce a bill that would end Social Security payments for “lazy takers who are not working.”  Ryan said the change is necessary because, “what kind of a message are we sending to the young people of today that it is perfectly alright to get a paycheck for just lying around?”

The Freedom to Work with Christian Values Act will immediately end all Social Security payments to seniors and the disabled and redirect the funds as tax breaks and incentives for the highest earners.  “This is a win, win situation,” Ryan said, “because we will give the funds to the job creators who will create the very jobs that the former loafing seniors and cripples can work at to pay off the debt they owe for taking taxpayer money for doing nothing for all of those years.”

Ryan said his next target will be to end Medicare.  “If people knew that they would have to pay for their health care needs instead of depending on the nanny state government for handouts, they would be more careful about making the right choices to stay healthy,” Ryan said.  Ryan said that the American People Healthy Choices Act will be introduced in December and will save millions of lives and taxpayer dollars. 

Ryan said that members of congress would still be able to receive Social Security and their health care plan because, “you can’t expect hard working congressmen and women to pass the right laws for the American people if they are too worried about their future and their health.”

GOP CANDIDATES COMPLAIN: VOTING HAS TOO MUCH LIBERAL BIAS

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – After attacking the validity of the rules for the televised presidential debates, Republican candidates have banded together demanding that voting be eliminated altogether. “For far too long, the voting process has been little more than an arm of the Democrat Party,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “Voting booths, paper ballots, and the very math used to count votes have had an unfair liberal bias.”

“Inexperienced young people, minorities and the poor have been brainwashed by liberals,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee, “and I am afraid our efforts to limit their influence with strict voter ID laws will not be enough to counter all of this unfairness.”

Jeb Bush said there is a precedent for the Supreme Court to choose the next Commander in Chief.  “They picked W and he kept us safe and besides the Justices my father picked know that it’s my turn,” he said.  “Hold your horses, Jeb,” Mitt Romney said, “I missed a turn when Obama bribed the electorate with free cell phones in 2012, so it is still my turn.”  “Uh-uh,” said John McCain, “it was my turn first and who better to bomb, bomb, bomb Iran now that it’s needed more than ever.”

Ben Carson said he would like to take a stab at solving the voter bias problem. “We have lost sight that the ultimate decider of who will be president is God and he has told me that it is me.”  “Nuh-uh,” said Mike Huckabee, “God picked me first.”   Marco Rubio disagreed, “While God may have chosen one of them, I have been anointed by the Koch brothers and everyone knows that they carry a bit more weight in these matters.”  

Not all of the candidates called for an end to voting for president. Donald Trump said, “Voting is OK as long as I get the final say on which candidate has to go home each week.”