WOMAN CALLS ST. LOUIS STATION SAYING WILSON SHOT BROWN BECAUSE TEEN WAS INFECTED WITH EBOLA VIRUS

by R J Shulman

FERGUSON, Missouri – (PTSD News Service) – Identifying herself as Jamie, a friend of Darren Wilson, the policeman who shot and killed unarmed teenager Michael Brown, a woman called Dana Loesch, a talk show host on KFTK a St. Louis radio station saying that the reason Wilson had to shoot Brown was because Wilson had just heard over his police radio that the teenager had recently visited Monrovia, Liberia, had contracted the Ebola virus and was planning to infect as many people in Missouri as possible.  A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story, saying it agreed with their understanding of the events saying, “Darren Wilson is a hero for fearlessly protecting the public from a dangerous heath risk.”

A few minutes later, a woman who identified herself as Joni, called the radio station saying she was Darren Wilson’s best friend and that the officer shot Brown because Wilson had just learned that the teen was planning a massacre at his high school.   A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story, saying that it was in agreement with their account of the events, saying that “Darren Wilson is a hero. Who knows how many children and teachers lives were saved by Wilson’s fearless action.”

Later on the Dana Show, a caller, who identified herself as Jamie said she was Darren Wilson’s ex-girlfriend and that Wilson shot Brown because the wayward teen was planning to illegally register people to vote in the next election.  A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story as tracking with their understanding of the events saying, “Darren Wilson is a hero.  Without his fearless actions, who knows how many fraudulent votes would have been cast in November.”

The next caller to KFTK identified herself as Jakki, Darren Wilson’s mistress saying that the reason Wilson shot Brown was because the young man was a secret operative for ISIS, the Islamist terrorist group in Iraq and Syria and that Brown had a shoe bomb hidden in his left flip-flop and was planning to blow up the St. Louis Gateway Arch.   A police spokesman quickly confirmed the story as being accurate saying that, “Darren Wilson was a hero.  What would St. Louis be without its famous arch?  Surely, Wilson’s fearless action eliminated the arch enemy of our great gateway city.”

After the next commercial break, a woman called the radio station identifying herself as Jenni, one of Darren Wilson’s split personalities saying that Wilson was justified in shooting Michael Brown because the scary teenager was….

GOP SET TO PASS LAW MAKING IT ILLEGAL TO ESTABLISH OBAMA PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Speaker of the House John Boehner announced that the first order of business for the House when they return to Washington in September will have nothing to do with creating jobs or addressing immigration issues, but will be to pass a bill called the Freedom Library Anti-Communist Corruption Incentive Directive or FLACCID which will make it illegal for anyone to establish a Barack Obama Presidential Library anywhere in the US.

“It is important to protect the American people from having a shrine built in honor of the most tyrannical, weakest, trigger happy, slow acting president in American history,” Boehner said.  “FLACCID will stop any attempt by Obama and the terrorists he pals around with from spreading pro-Communist anti-American propaganda about our great country.”

“I don’t care if he wants to build some kind of shack library at his birth place in Kenya,” said Michele Bachmann, (R-Minn.), “but allowing Obama to build a library on American soil would be just as blasphemous as that Ground Zero mosque in New York or a Judas library at the site of the manger in Bethlehem.”

“We can’t have our young children’s minds corrupted by all of the hate and racism that Obama has caused,” said Karl Rove.  “Why should there be a library built to honor a president who just by occupying the White House has made people disrespect the office of the president more than any previous president has?”

“I firmly support FLACCID because stopping an Obama library will stop books from being written and published about him that we would just have to use tax payer money to burn later,” said Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.).  

“It goes without question that before there could be an Obama library, the American people would demand that each of the four Americans killed in Benghazi would get a library first,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News.

“We may have failed in our attempt to make Obama a one-term president,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “but if we get FLACCID to happen, we can make sure Obama has no legacy.” 

JEB BUSH DECLARES PRESIDENTIAL BID, SAYS HE WILL FINISH THE JOB IN IRAQ HIS FATHER AND BROTHER FAILED TO DO

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida  (PTSD News Service) - Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination for President in 2016.  “With ISIS blowing up Iraq, it means the work there is not done,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference, “and if elected President, unlike my father and brother, I will finish the job in Iraq.”

Unveiling his campaign theme of “Three’s the Charm,” Bush said that as the leader of the free world, nothing would limit him when it came to the weapons he would use to bring peace to Iraq.  “Nuclear, chemical and even biological weapons would not be off the table,” he said.  “In fact, we will use exploding tables if we have to.”

“Daddy failed to take out Saddam Hussein and my older brother failed to take out the rest of Iraq,” Bush said, “America doesn’t just want a war president as W said.  America wants an annihilation president.  And that that goes for puttin’ Putin in his place, too.”

Bush criticized President Obama’s handling of the current Iraqi crisis saying, “you can’t send a community organizer to a community that doesn’t need to be organized, but rather needs to be obliterated.  When I am done with them,” he said, “they will wish it was just the Stone Age I was bombing them back into.”

Polls indicate that Americans prefer a strong leader to a wise one and an ABC Overnight News Poll shows Jeb Bush with at least a 27 percentage point lead over every other possible candidate.

GOP CLAIMS THAT CONSTITUTION SAYS OBAMA ONLY DESERVES THREE-FIFTHS THE RESPECT OF A PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans have struck back against critics who claim that they have been disrespectful toward President Obama.  “The reason that we have shown less respect to this President than any of the previous ones has nothing to do with his ideas or political party affiliation,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Our diminished respect has everything to do with the United States Constitution because a strict reading of the original version of Article I, Section 2 says that people of Obama’s background are counted only as three-fifths of a person.”  McConnell added, “that sentence, written with much thought by our founding fathers was unfortunately and illegally removed from the Constitution by Socialist Nazi Communist Muslim Terrorist Community Organizers some time back.”

“Heck, we have given this President more than three-fifths respect,” said Speaker of House John Boehner, “sometimes as much as four-fifths and speaking of fifths, I think I’ll have another.”

“Now, some may claim that a free person must be counted as whole as it said in the Constitution,” said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, “but when it comes to Obama, he was not born free.  He was born in Kenya and we know that is where a lot of non-free people traditionally came here to Charleston from.”

“The real reason we need to impeach Obama is that it looks like he has the audacity to exceed his authority to serve only his allotted three-fifths of an eight year term as President,” said Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.), “and we just can’t have such unbridled tyranny.”

“In the end it all boils down to what is in the Constitution upon which our great nation was founded,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “and the Constitution said that you count three-fifths of all other persons and Obama is certainly the ‘other.’”

CONGRESS GOES ON ITS SUMMER RECESS, NO ONE NOTICES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Congress closed down for its annual summer recess, with barely a notice from the public.  “The only way I realized that congress was gone on vacation was that there were a lot less lobbyists clogging up the intersections,” said Wayne Stanley, who owns a flower shop near the Capitol.

“Why should we notice a difference because they went on vacation?” asked Washington High School history teacher Nancy Spangler.  “After all, they went from doing nothing to doing nothing.”   

I’ve seen a lot more get done by the inhabitants of a graveyard that what was done by this congress,” said Harold Wiggins, a tour guide at the Capitol building.  “And if you think no one noticed when they left for recess, no one will notice when they come back.”

Most recent polls show that a majority of Americans have a higher opinion of a root canal procedure gone horribly wrong than of Congress.   But not every legislator thinks they have failed.  “I got elected on a platform of just how bad government operates,” said Clemson Stierborg (R-MS), “and me and my colleagues have been a complete success at proving my point.”

PUTIN NEW GOP FRONT RUNNER FOR 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – A new New York Times poll finds that Russian President Vladimir Putin is now leading the field of Republican hopefuls for the 2016 presidential election by a wide margin.  The poll shows Putin with 27% support, followed by Chris Christie at 11%, as the New Jersey Governor’s popularity has been falling about as fast as a block of concrete thrown off the George Washington Bridge.

“Putin is a real leader, while Obama is incapable to lead,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Putin is so strong and capable that we Republicans would never be able to stand up to him with one of our filibusters, not that we would ever want to.”

“Putin’s soul is a leadership after my own heartbeat,” said former President George W. Bush.  “He knows that important strategery of pre-emptibly shock and awing and then invading a foreign country and taking the Chameleon Peninsula from the Yukon, like he did.”

“We need a man like Putin to return America back to God,” said Bryan Fischer, a leading Christian Evangelical, “After all, it was Putin who banned gays in Russia, declared the former atheist country a Christian nation and installed policies that make it very difficult for most Russian women to be able to afford contraceptive care.”

“I believe that Putin can overcome the obstacle of being accepted as an American President even thought he was not born in the USA,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney.  “The precedent of a foreign born President has already been established by that Kenyan and if there is still a question about it, Putin supporters have a 5-4 majority on the Supreme Court who love to decide who is President, and if that doesn’t work, than anyone opposed to a Putin presidency will be required to go hunting with me.”

It appears that the NRA will be supporting Putin.  NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told a crowd buying assault rifles at a gun show in Gunnison, Colorado that, “anyone whose name rhymes with shootin’ gets my vote.”

Putin welcomed the idea of moving his Presidential office and duties from Moscow to Washington.  “Communist, Schmomunist. You can be more efficient in the corruption in a capitalist system.”  When asked if he thought that he was qualified to be President of the United States, Putin replied, “but of course!  After all, I can see Sarah Palin from my house.” 

HOUSE VOTES TO SUE OBAMA OVER BEING PRESIDENT WHILE BLACK

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The Republican led House approved a resolution on Wednesday authorizing Speaker of the House John Boehner to sue President Obama for deliberately acting as the United States President while being black, better known as PWB.  The vote was 225-201, mostly along party lines.

Republicans argue that Obama’s flagrant PWB actions have deeply divided the country by purposefully stirring up racial tensions.  They claim that Obama’s brazen acts are so distracting that Congress cannot get on with the business of fixing the economy, protecting the borders and fixing the country’s aging infrastructure.  “Before Obama’s outrageous abuse of acting all PWB, America was doing just fine and did not have to worry all the time about blacks occupying the White House,” said Boehner.

“Look at what Obama made me do,” said Louie Gohmert, (R- Tex), on the House floor holding up a picture he had just drawn depicting Obama dressed in a grass skirt with a bone through his nose.   “Obama is tearing this country apart.”

Defending the impending lawsuit against the president from Democratic critics who say it is nothing more than political theatre, Boehner said, “This is a legitimate lawsuit.  It is completely on the up and uppity.”  However, Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) said while Republicans claim that Obama has exceeded his authority under PWB by being all pushy about Obamacare, he believes the real problem is Obamacareful.  “President Obama has been way too cautious and has made the mistake of trying to be all bi-partisan when he should really be kicking some Republican racist ass.”