ROMENOMICS: MITT SAYS HE WILL MAKE AMERICA BETTER BY MAKING IT PROFITABLE BY THE END OF HIS FIRST QUARTER IN OFFICE

By R J Shulman

PROJECTILE, New Hampshire (PTSD News Service) After last night’s sweeping victories in all four Republican primaries, Mitt Romney gave out a hint of his new economic plan saying, “I will make America the investment bargain it should be. Obama has the country tied down like a cash cow tethered by the iron straps of regulation, government interference with Wall Street and inappropriate taxes on the ruling class.”

“I will take off the shackles of crippling worker biased labor laws and all the stifling health and safety laws to allow our business in the US compete with factories in China, Singapore and Bangladesh,” Romney said. “Free enterprise must be free of all of the socialist Obama constraints that have caused the economy to crash after the marvelous success of the Bush years.”

Romney also said, “I plan to silence the sheer thuggery of the occupy movement by gathering them all up, strapping them onto the roof of the great American vehicle driven by the roar of private enterprise until these punks yell uncle or lose it in their proletarian pants.”

OHIO MAN URGES CANDIDATES TO SKIP TV ADS AND PAY HIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS VOTE

by R J Shulman

XENIA, Ohio – (PTSD News Service) – Richard P. Dortch, Jr., a 37 year-old Applebee’s manager issued a challenge to President Obama and Mitt Romney, the presumed GOP presidential candidate to “cut to the chase by using your massive war chests to pay Americans for their vote instead of spreading manure all over the TV with negative campaign ads.” Dortch’s video has since gone viral, prompting a host of Americans seeking a candidate to buy their vote.

“I think Dortch has come up with a win-win proposition,” Said Staunton Frick, of the Sterling Foundation, “following his proposition, candidates can reach more voters because the cost of the media middleman has been eliminated.  Second, Americans don’t have to be jarred away from their reality shows by the character assassinations of the typical political spot.” 

The idea, now called the Dortch plan, has picked up the endorsement of many top economists.  “Since the money spent under the Dortch plan will go into the pockets of people who have little discretionary spending instead of it going to a few media fat cats,” said Simon Fine of the Chicago School of Economics, “all this money in the hands of the consumers should jump start the economy.”  Fine also pointed out that selling individual votes to the highest bidder lets the invisible hand of the free market, the basic ingredient of American freedom and democracy, be allowed to work freely without the stifling interference of the government.

 Constitutional attorney Milton Goldberg, of the Maryland State School of Law said, “since the Supreme Court held that corporations are people and money is free speech, any so-called anti-bribery laws that would interfere with the flow of free speech from the candidates into the pocket of the public should be found to be unconstitutional.”

President Obama reacted to the Dortch Plan by asking Attorney General Holder if buying votes with food stamps would be legal, while Mitt Romney said he was pleased with the idea of buying votes.  “When it came to consolidating power in the private sector, I was all over the place buying votes.  In fact, with my unlimited funds, I plan to be the Bain of Obama’s existence.”

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN REVEALS THAT THEIR CANDIDATE RECENTLY UNDERWENT PERSONALITY TRANSPLANT SURGERY

by R J Shulman

BETHESDA, Maryland – (PTSD News Service) - A Mitt Romney spokesperson just revealed that the rumors were true, Mitt Romney was the recent recipient of a complete personality transplant last week at the same hospital where former Vice President Dick Cheney received a new heart. Doctors are optimistic that Romney will not reject the new personality, which is a blend of the personalities of Ronald Reagan, TV’s Mr. Rogers and rocker Ted Nugent.

“We are a bit concerned that Romney’s psyche may not know what to do with a real personality and may ultimately reject it,” said Dr. Honus Caligari, head of the Personality Unit, or PU, “because the first words that Romney spoke after the operation was ‘does having this new personality mean I still get the special tax rate or will I now have to pay as much as my nanny’”?

Clayton Hamilton Willingham III, a Romney spokesperson said that since Romney had continued to poll significantly low on likeability, it was decided the candidate would undergo the personality transplant to give him the great communicator statesman skills of the Gipper, the down home friendliness of a guy from the neighborhood and the fierceness of an insane ex-rocker who wants to chop off the heads of his political enemies.”

Russell Pope, of the GOP Central Committee was more blunt about the concern that Romney’s new personality would work, saying, “Here we are with control of the media, an endless load of hate Obama messages and enough Citizens United cash to make it so a damned fichus plant could beat the president, but we are stuck with Romney, who may be the only object animate or inanimate who could lose in November to the Kenyan born, Anti-American, Marxist, gun grabbing, crack smoking Muslim.”

Doctors say it will take some time for the new personality to kick in, but they have noticed a few changes already, as evidenced by a speech Romney gave at a $100,000 a plate fund raiser at New York’s posh Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. Romney told the well-heeled crowd, “If any of you in the neighborhood think that if elected I would not bring a new morning to America, I will hunt you down and shoot you in the heart with my crossbow.”

Regardless, Romney’s poll numbers are up signifying that his personality transplant may have been one elective surgery that was worth it.

REPORT SHOWS

ROMNEY’S CAMPAIGN HAS SPENT MORE THAN $1.3 MILLION ON ETCH A SKETCHES

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – You may have heard that Mitt Romney has already spent unprecedented millions of dollars in pursuit of the Holy Grail of the Republican presidential nomination.  But until know, you probably didn’t know that the Romney effort has expended $1,380,000 dollars purchasing a seemingly never ending supply of Etch A Sketches.

“Mitt just keeps breaking them,” said Dolf Whitney III, a Romney spokesperson, “The screens keep cracking spilling the gunk out and the knobs come off.  For example, on the day Rick Santorum quit the race, Mitt shook an Etch A Sketch so hard, a knob flew off and hit a campaign worker square in the eye.  That could have been a disaster, but thanks to Romney supported tort reform, ol’ one-eye won’t be able to collect a cent.”

Ohio Art, the Bryan, Ohio company that had made the Etch A Sketch since 1960, admitted that there has been a shortage in some stores due to the massive orders coming from Romney headquarters.  However, Richard Plugg, VP of sales for Ohio Art denies that the recent extraordinary breakage of their product is due to the fact that the mechanical drawing toy is now manufactured in China.  “Besides,” Plugg said, “I thought Romney liked to move things off shore.”

NOAA REPORTS LAST MONTH THE WARMEST MARCH IN HISTORY; CONSERVATIVE GROUPS SUE AGENCY FOR SPREADING FALSE INFORMATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) No sooner had NOAA reported that March 2012 was the hottest March on record since record keeping began in 1895, than a number of conservative groups slapped the weather agency with a series of lawsuits accusing them of defamation and fraud.  The largest group, called Truthful Environmental Accounting and Reports, or TEAR, headed up by Exxon-Mobil, Royal Dutch Shell, BP and Koch Industries, claims that NOAA has been using false reports to bolster the alternative energy industry.  “The last thing we need right now,” said David Koch, President of TEAR, “is for more fuel to thrown on the fire started by disgruntled environmental thugs who have spread the greatest lie ever told, that of global warming.”

“We knew that the liberal media was full of environmental terrorists,” Koch said, “but we were shocked at how many of these anti-business, anti-democracy radicals had infiltrated NOAA.”  The TEAR lawsuit seeks among other demands, that the US Government hand over all reporting of the weather and temperatures to TEAR, because, according the claim, “after years of bias by the Marxists, it’s time to get a fair and balanced view of the weather patterns and no one is better to tear a new weather report than TEAR.”

Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon-Mobil said, “you don’t have to go too far to see Big Environment’s hands all over the NOAA weather reports.  These are the same people who fabricated the Obama Hawaii birth certificate and spread lies that President Bush, the last honestly elected president, somehow lied us into war in Iraq because of oil.”  

Ronald Burns, a spokesman for Scorched Earth Incorporated, a company supporting the TEAR lawsuit, told a crowd of reporters that, “It’s no wonder the weather forecasters are always wrong as they have the ‘hot today – hotter tomorrow’ crowd making the reports.”  Burns was unavailable for questions after his speech as he said he was already late to another speaking engagement in which he said “he had a holocaust to deny.”       

TEXAS SCHOOL TEXTBOOK REVISORY GROUP TO TACKLE A RE-DO OF THE BIBLE

by R J Shulman

RED BLUFF, Texas – After successfully, removing the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt from school textbooks and replacing them with patriotic American conservatives such as Jefferson Davis, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin, Write Them Right, the advisory group responsible for making these text changes has announced that their next project – removing the liberal bias of the Holy Bible.  “Now that our school books will no longer propagandize the tender minds of our young ones with the liberal propaganda that labor unions, Darwin, John Lennon and Groucho Marx were heroes instead of the American hating marxist communists that they were,” said Write Them Right chairperson Arlene Fleming, “it’s time to set the Bible on a righteous path.”  

Fleming said that all references to Jesus helping the poor will be eliminated or changed.  “For example, what the Son of God really said was that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to get to heaven and that it was the supporters of the redistributors of wealth who Jesus threw out of the temple and not the money changers.”

Write Them Right said that some books of the bible are so riddled with lies about God and His Son that they will be completely removed and that other books, long suppressed by liberals, will be returned to their rightful place in the Good Book.  “For example, the Book of Cletus will be restored, a book in which Jesus clearly condemns gays, liberals, abortion doctors and community organizers,” said Bobby Lee Bobbey, Chief Editor of Write Them Right.  Other books returned to the Bible text will be the Book of Rush, the Book of Earnhardt, and the Book of Smith and Wesson. 

“We expect to have the New American Bible ready for release the day after Thanksgiving,” Bobbey said, “just in time to aid our brave and good Christian Soldiers in their fight to defend the baby Jesus from the War on Christmas.”   

FLA AG SAYS STAND YOUR GROUND LAW WILL COVER HOSPITAL STAFF WHO DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST PATIENTS WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -  (PTSD News Service) – Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has issued an opinion that the state’s controversial “Stand Your Ground Law” will protect hospital workers who shoot uninsured persons who are seeking emergency medical care.  “With the expected overturn of Obamacare,” Bondi said, “hoards of the uninsured will certainly descend upon state hospitals when they are very sick or injured.  It’s certainly fair and in the state’s best interest that hospital personnel be allowed to shoot those that threaten hospital safety and the state budget which will take quite a beating if the state hospitals are forced to provide emergency medical care for the uninsured.

Twenty five other states are contemplating putting in place Stand Your Ground laws to provide protection for state hospitals and employees.