OHIO MAN URGES CANDIDATES TO SKIP TV ADS AND PAY HIM DIRECTLY FOR HIS VOTE

by R J Shulman

XENIA, Ohio – (PTSD News Service) – Richard P. Dortch, Jr., a 37 year-old Applebee’s manager issued a challenge to President Obama and Mitt Romney, the presumed GOP presidential candidate to “cut to the chase by using your massive war chests to pay Americans for their vote instead of spreading manure all over the TV with negative campaign ads.” Dortch’s video has since gone viral, prompting a host of Americans seeking a candidate to buy their vote.

“I think Dortch has come up with a win-win proposition,” Said Staunton Frick, of the Sterling Foundation, “following his proposition, candidates can reach more voters because the cost of the media middleman has been eliminated.  Second, Americans don’t have to be jarred away from their reality shows by the character assassinations of the typical political spot.” 

The idea, now called the Dortch plan, has picked up the endorsement of many top economists.  “Since the money spent under the Dortch plan will go into the pockets of people who have little discretionary spending instead of it going to a few media fat cats,” said Simon Fine of the Chicago School of Economics, “all this money in the hands of the consumers should jump start the economy.”  Fine also pointed out that selling individual votes to the highest bidder lets the invisible hand of the free market, the basic ingredient of American freedom and democracy, be allowed to work freely without the stifling interference of the government.

 Constitutional attorney Milton Goldberg, of the Maryland State School of Law said, “since the Supreme Court held that corporations are people and money is free speech, any so-called anti-bribery laws that would interfere with the flow of free speech from the candidates into the pocket of the public should be found to be unconstitutional.”

President Obama reacted to the Dortch Plan by asking Attorney General Holder if buying votes with food stamps would be legal, while Mitt Romney said he was pleased with the idea of buying votes.  “When it came to consolidating power in the private sector, I was all over the place buying votes.  In fact, with my unlimited funds, I plan to be the Bain of Obama’s existence.”