NOAA REPORTS LAST MONTH THE WARMEST MARCH IN HISTORY; CONSERVATIVE GROUPS SUE AGENCY FOR SPREADING FALSE INFORMATION

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) No sooner had NOAA reported that March 2012 was the hottest March on record since record keeping began in 1895, than a number of conservative groups slapped the weather agency with a series of lawsuits accusing them of defamation and fraud.  The largest group, called Truthful Environmental Accounting and Reports, or TEAR, headed up by Exxon-Mobil, Royal Dutch Shell, BP and Koch Industries, claims that NOAA has been using false reports to bolster the alternative energy industry.  “The last thing we need right now,” said David Koch, President of TEAR, “is for more fuel to thrown on the fire started by disgruntled environmental thugs who have spread the greatest lie ever told, that of global warming.”

“We knew that the liberal media was full of environmental terrorists,” Koch said, “but we were shocked at how many of these anti-business, anti-democracy radicals had infiltrated NOAA.”  The TEAR lawsuit seeks among other demands, that the US Government hand over all reporting of the weather and temperatures to TEAR, because, according the claim, “after years of bias by the Marxists, it’s time to get a fair and balanced view of the weather patterns and no one is better to tear a new weather report than TEAR.”

Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon-Mobil said, “you don’t have to go too far to see Big Environment’s hands all over the NOAA weather reports.  These are the same people who fabricated the Obama Hawaii birth certificate and spread lies that President Bush, the last honestly elected president, somehow lied us into war in Iraq because of oil.”  

Ronald Burns, a spokesman for Scorched Earth Incorporated, a company supporting the TEAR lawsuit, told a crowd of reporters that, “It’s no wonder the weather forecasters are always wrong as they have the ‘hot today – hotter tomorrow’ crowd making the reports.”  Burns was unavailable for questions after his speech as he said he was already late to another speaking engagement in which he said “he had a holocaust to deny.”