ROMNEY CAMPAIGN REVEALS THAT THEIR CANDIDATE RECENTLY UNDERWENT PERSONALITY TRANSPLANT SURGERY

by R J Shulman

BETHESDA, Maryland – (PTSD News Service) - A Mitt Romney spokesperson just revealed that the rumors were true, Mitt Romney was the recent recipient of a complete personality transplant last week at the same hospital where former Vice President Dick Cheney received a new heart. Doctors are optimistic that Romney will not reject the new personality, which is a blend of the personalities of Ronald Reagan, TV’s Mr. Rogers and rocker Ted Nugent.

“We are a bit concerned that Romney’s psyche may not know what to do with a real personality and may ultimately reject it,” said Dr. Honus Caligari, head of the Personality Unit, or PU, “because the first words that Romney spoke after the operation was ‘does having this new personality mean I still get the special tax rate or will I now have to pay as much as my nanny’”?

Clayton Hamilton Willingham III, a Romney spokesperson said that since Romney had continued to poll significantly low on likeability, it was decided the candidate would undergo the personality transplant to give him the great communicator statesman skills of the Gipper, the down home friendliness of a guy from the neighborhood and the fierceness of an insane ex-rocker who wants to chop off the heads of his political enemies.”

Russell Pope, of the GOP Central Committee was more blunt about the concern that Romney’s new personality would work, saying, “Here we are with control of the media, an endless load of hate Obama messages and enough Citizens United cash to make it so a damned fichus plant could beat the president, but we are stuck with Romney, who may be the only object animate or inanimate who could lose in November to the Kenyan born, Anti-American, Marxist, gun grabbing, crack smoking Muslim.”

Doctors say it will take some time for the new personality to kick in, but they have noticed a few changes already, as evidenced by a speech Romney gave at a $100,000 a plate fund raiser at New York’s posh Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. Romney told the well-heeled crowd, “If any of you in the neighborhood think that if elected I would not bring a new morning to America, I will hunt you down and shoot you in the heart with my crossbow.”

Regardless, Romney’s poll numbers are up signifying that his personality transplant may have been one elective surgery that was worth it.