COUNT DOWN OF BIGGEST STORIES OF 2011

by R J Shulman

(PTSD - News Service) - No that year is not a misprint. While other media outlets are rehashing the stories of the past year, the fact still remains that the past is the past and is yesterday's news. As a yearly service, the Post Times Sun Dispatch enlists the talents of Horatio O. Del Geddes, a direct descendant of Nostradamus, to predict the top stories of the year to come. Del Geddes has an amazing 97% accuracy rate and as he says will be a complete certainty unless enough people take positive acts to stop these events.

By month, here are the biggest stories of 2011:

JANUARY

NEW HOUSE CONVENES -OBAMA IMPEACHED ON 1776 DIFFERENT GROUNDS -including lying about birth certificate; death panels; his bad Christian Pastor Muslim beliefs; assassinating JFK and aiding the British during the Revolutionary War

FEBRUARY

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DECLARES MINIMUM WAGE UNCONSTITUTIONAL - This has little effect as most American jobs already in China

MARCH

NEW HOUSE OF UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES FORMED TO INVESTIGATE LIBERALS - Hollywood, all institutions of higher learning except Bob Jones University, Liberty University and BYU are closed down - Reputation of Senator Joe McCarthy restored

APRIL

CONGRESS VOTES FDR OFF THE DIME; REPLACED BY RONALD REAGAN - Not much effect as most Americans had already spent their last dime

MAY

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DECLARES CHILD LABOR LAWS UNCONSITUTIONAL - School test results improve as lower performing students hit the fields and service industries

JUNE

SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS NOT ALREADY RAIDED GIVEN TO WALL STREET TO STOP THEIR COLLAPSE FROM YET ANOTHER ROUND OF THEIR BAD INVESTMENTS - Last minute law suits by CEOs who would have not have gotten their bonuses avoided

JULY

ALL MEDIA MUST HAVE STORIES PRE-APPROVED BY PANEL OF LIMBAUGH, BECK, PALIN AND CHENEY - Discrepancy between Fox News and other news outlets finally ends

AUGUST

BUSH APPOINTED JUDGE DELCARS SOUTH ACTUALLY WON CIVIL WAR, SLAVERY REINSTATED -children in the fields and service industries flock to cities to beg after being replaced by slaves

SEPTEMBER

DANCERS WHO OUSTED BRISTOL PALIN FROM WINNING DANCING WITH THE STARS EXECUTED - Invesigation into those that may have voted against Brisol Palin sends thousands to new federal prisons

OCTOBER

IN ONE FINAL COMPROMISE, OBAMA FORCES BIDEN TO RESIGN AND TAPS SARAH PALIN AS VP, THEN RESIGNS HIMSELF - Obama says it was the best deal he could make to keep the bipartrisan spirit alive - GOP says they still hate him

NOVEMBER

PALIN DECLARED PRESIDENT FOR LIFE - First female president says, "finally a job I don't have to quit"

DECEMBER

ONE YEAR EARLIER THAN PREDICTED BY MAYAN CALENDAR, WORLD ENDS

While this outlook may lean toward the bleak side, Del Geddes say his predicitons can change, but only if enough Americans wake up and take part it making sure they don' t happen.

INCENSED OVER END TO DON'T ASK DON'T TELL, MCCAIN ASKS TO BE VIET NAM POW AGAIN

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News) - Outraged over the end of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, Senator John McCain flew back to Viet Nam to surrender in person to once again be held as a prisioner of war. "President Obama's flaming disregard for our military is more than I can bear," McCain said as he boarded a Hanoi bound jet at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, "so I'm going back to happier times when a man could serve his country without fear when taking showers."

McCain, who sybolically drove a 1971 Ford Maverick to the airport, told reporters, "Even though the spot where I was kept prisoner in North Vietnam is now an American athletic shoe factory where they don't have to worry about safety and child labor laws, I will voluntarily lock myself in their store room and hold my breath until I turn blue, wait, scratch that, I don't want anyone to think I will turn into a Democrat as that myth was busted a long time ago."

Phuc Nguyen, manager of Ho Chi Min Peoples Captialistic Joy Factory, where the shoes are manufactured near Hanoi, said he welcomed the return of McCain. "To complete our victory over the imperialistic Americans," he said, "we need the Senator to give us more tips on getting the few remaining manufacturing jobs still left in the United States shiped over here."

TRICKLE ME ELMO TOPS LIST OF CONSERVATIVE GIFTS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) This year conservatives flocked to stores and clicked on line to purchase gifts that support their world view. While most conservatives shunned the Christmas tradition of giving gifts to others and bought these gifts for themselves, saying gift giving promotes sloth, they nontheless promised that some of these gifts would trickle down to those patient enought to wait for them. Hence the overwhelmingly popular first gift on the following list:

1. Trickle Me Elmo - Through tax breaks, favorable de-regulation of anti-trust, environemental and heath and saftey and banking laws, Elmo the CEO doll is able to gather massive amounts of wealth, which then will trickle down to the other less ambitious dolls. The beauty of this game is it lasts decades and decades before it is over.

2. Do Ask, Do Tell - Make the most of the waining moments of Don't Ask Don't Tell by using enhanced interrogation, including an actual operating waterboard to get toy soldiers you think are gay to confess so they can be dishonorably dischaged from the military, all before this traditional American military policy becomes history.

3. Desocialized Medicine - Thrill to being able to overturn the most henious law ever enacted in the history of mankind, Obamacare. Get excited as you are able to once again deny a person health care because they have a pre-existing condition like being a victim of domestic abuse or because once they sounded like they breathed funny. Wet your pants as you throw a family off health care coverage they got because of help from Obamacare and convulse in ectasy as the numbers add up of the Americans who die because they now can't get medical care.

4. Drill Babay Drill - From the makers of the Easy Bake Oven, this is not just a toy, but an actual drill and rig. Drill for oil anywhere whether its your backyard, offshore or Harry Reid's head. All without any pesky government restrictions.

5. Born Unfree - A game that lets you print actual birth certificates of Barack Obama from any country you choose in Africa. Send in your creation and have it plastered all over the screen on Fox News. Winner gets to run for national office in 2012.

6. Tea Party Extravaganza - While not actually tea, this slection of exciting flavors of Kool-Aid is to be drunk while watching Fox News. Here you can drink in ignorance and continue to pretend that your philosophy of American Values would have placed you on the right side of history, and was not really identical to those of the Royalists at the time of the revolution, slave owners of the Southern Red states at the time of the Civil War, those that supported segregation, those who were opposed to women's sufferage, and thought that work safety, fair wages and the end to child labor, and equal opportunity are a Communist plot.

ULTRA RICH ON TAX BREAKS: THIS TIME WE PROMISE TO CREATE JOBS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Criticized by some Democrats for not creating jobs in the last ten years they have enjoyed record low tax rates, spokesman for the richest 1% of Americans say that this time they promise to create new jobs. "We shouldn't be judged on our past behavior of pocketing mounds of cash or investing it off shore," said H. William Porter, Jr., a Texas oil billionaire, "everybody deserves a second chance."

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh promised that he will personally create jobs with the nearly quarter million dollars he will get to keep, now that the Bush tax breaks for the rich got extended. "With this extra money, I intend to hire at least four minimum wage maids to help with the cleaning and picking up of packages from pharmacies and stuff like that."

Some of the rich dispute the notion that the lowest tax rates in history of the wealthy have not created jobs. "I single-handedly kept a yacht salesman in his job for two months after I upgraded last year," said Goffrey W. Pollard, heir to Pollard Farms of Plantation, Florida. Pollard accused Democrats of being impatient. "They need to understand that you must give the tax cuts time and I can guaranteed that some of this extra money we get to keep will trickle down eventually, just in time for a job to show up for their great-great- grandchildren and everybody knows great-great-grandchildren are the future."

"This unfair attack on the rich by all those jealous haters needs to end," said Paris Hilton. "Everybody like knows, I had to earn my money the hard good old-fashioned way. I had to wait and wait until some dumb-ass relative bit the dust."

"If the hypocritical liberals really wanted there to be more jobs," said Clayton Stanton, CEO of Chatham Investments, a Wall Street hedge fund investment firm, "they would put an end to the things that have really killed American jobs - having to pay a minimum wage, adhere to costly saftety and environmental rregulations, and the biggest enemy of all for young peoople to get jobs, the Marxist federal government's ban on child labor."

FOX NEWS: OBAMA'S SECRET XMAS SONG LIST PROVES HE'S AT WAR WITH CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News announced today that they obtained the First Family's private holiday song list. 'This list of songs is so anti-American," said Bill O'Reilly, "that it attacks the very core of the foundation of our Christian country, Christmas shopping without government interference.

Darrell Issa (R-Cal) has vowed to begin a full scale investigation of what he calls, "Obama's flagrantly treasonous behavor in his effort to use a death panel made of of his family to kill the Christmas spirit."

The Obama holiday songs reported by Fox News include:

1. It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Ramadan

2. Abdul the Red-Nosed Camel

3. Jingle Bombs

4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Kwansaa

5. Rockin Around the Holiday Tree

6. changing the name of Deck the Halls to its most homosexual lyric - "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

7. changing White Christmas to Diversity Holiday

"If He knew how Obama has subverted his Holy message of buying presents into having to like people who are different than you are," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) "the Baby Jesus would be turning over in his grave if he hadn't resurected."

JUDGE FINDS PARTS OF NEW HEALTH CARE LAW AND 60'S CIVIL RIGHTS ACT UNCONSTITUTIONAL

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND - Virginia - (PTSD News) - A federal judge in Virginia ruled on Monday that a lynchpin provision of President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional as it exceeds the authority granted to Congress under the Commerce Clause. Buried in the same opinion, Judge Henry E. Hudson, appointed to the bench by George W. Bush, ruled that most of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 also exceded the power granted to congress as well as finding provisions of the federal minimum wage law unconstitutional.

"Nowhere in the Constitution, in the Commerce Clause or in any of the Amendments," Hudson said, "does it specifically grant the federal government the power to tell states how to govern their citizens when it comes to forcing them to purchase health insurance, be told who they can hire or allow on their private property or be told how much to pay a worker."

The Civil Rights Act and the federal minimum wage issues were not before the court, but Judge Hudson took up the issues on his own saying, "it's about time the activist judges of the past few decades who have legislated from the bench to force citizens into acting in a way that fits in with some politically correct agenda are finally overturned."

Former Virginia Senator George Allen welcomed the ruling saying that for far too long the federal government has interfered with states rights. "The thugs in Washington have no business telling Virginians how to run their lives," Allen said, "and besides, I have no idea what they are complainging about as we treat our Macacas good down here."

"I am pleased the judge got this right," said Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who had argued the case before Hudson, "This scourge called Obamacare which I am renaming Commiecare was nothing more than the overreaching audacity of a foreign born president who was put into office by the vote fraud of Acorn. In this unxious health care law, Barack Hussein Obama sets himself up as God by giving himself the power to try prolong the lives of people who made the chioce to be too poor to buy health insurance. What is most heinous about this whole mess is that Obama tries to do it by stealing tax dollars from those who have been conscientious enough to have obtained their own health insurance like the plan I have through the State of Virgina."

Cuccinelli says his next lawsuit will be to have the anti-slavery language of the Constituiton stricken because it was never the intention of the founding fathers to strip the citizens of certain states of their property. "The progressive Marxists are fond of bringing up Thomas Jefferson to support their socialist agenda, but let's see them tryin and talk their way out of the fact that Jefferson owned slaves."

WHAT IT WILL TAKE FOR OBAMA TO FINALLY BE LIKED BY REPUBLICANS

by R J Shulman

Here is when Obama will finally be accepted by Republicans:

1. When Pigs Fly (and we don't mean Rush Limbaugh or Karl Rove flying on an airplane)

2. Hell freezes over and Obama announces that global warming is the biggest hoax since Acorn fixed the election for him.

3 The Chicago Cubs with the World Series (numbers one and two would surely have to come first)

4. When the cows come home and Obama announces that all the growth hormones are safe, frankenfoods are good for you and pestisides are your best friends

5. A blue moon (they will like him only once and then go back to dispising him)

6. Obama claims he was born in Kenya, is a Muslim Nazi Communist, resigns his office, but not until he boots out Biden and names Sarah Palin as his Vice President

7. After Obama privitizes Social Security, the military, ends all taxes to corporations and the rich, allows oil drilling everywhere, repeals all environmental laws, repeals the Civil Rights Act, reinstates slavery and child labor and renames Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day the Strom Thurmond National Holiday, fire all of his staff of Democrats and hire Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann to pick their replacements, then Mr. President, the Republicans will like you --Nah, not even that will do it. After all that, they will get Dr. Laura to call you the N word.

WE NEED A WILLIE SUTTON NATIONAL HOLIDAY

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Willie who? Willie Sutton, the prolific bank robber of the last century. Why, you might ask. While there may be some guilty pleasure in honoring a man who made a career of stealing from the institutions that have stolen from the pubic for so long, but that is not the reason. It's because he may have had the answer to our financial and economic woes.

When asked why he robbed banks, Sutton said, "because that is where the money is." The reason this is so important today is because we have a obscene deficit and an economic crisis not seen since Willile was holding up banks in the 30's. We need his wisdom because to many people (and all lock step Republicans say that the solution to solving our current financial crisis is to give tax breaks to the ultra rich and try and get the money instead from punishing underpaid government workers, the unemployed and those trying to get by on social security that they already paid for. In Willie's day, that would be the equivaltent of the bank robber needing cash and trying to get it from hobos and bums.

So what is so sacred about rich people's tax rates that they must be protected at all costs, even shutting down the government to preserve their great fortune? Can you beleive that the very idea of returning the Decider's 5% tax break gift to his friends the mega-rich has proven to be more repugnant to so many Americans than whether their neighbors die because they can't get health insurance, or havig a leader who invades unarmed countries and tortures people because he thinks they don't like us or that American children will be thrown into the street at Christmas because their parent's unemployment insurance that they paid for runs out? A Bizarro world for sure.

This fat sacred cow of tax gifts to the rich needs to be Bar-B-Qued and Bar-B-Qued fast. Oh, cry the politicians bought by the money saved by mondo-rich by these very same tax breaks, that this is class warfare, a plan to redistribute wealth and must be stopped at all costs. Wake up, America. This war on class has been going on full steam since Reagan began his War on Wages thirty years ago and the redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the ulta greedy rich has already happened. And unlike the utter failure of the War of Poverty, the War on Drugs and the War on Terror whatever that is, the War on Wages has been very successful.

American wages have been stagnant for three decades, but even that is not enough for those of plenty. To them, wages were still too high, so began the successful quest to find the lowest wages in the world. For proof, just call your American computer company's customer serivice number and you will get someone on the phone calling themselves Bob Smith, but who sounds like he knows more about Shiva and Kali than he does about Jesus.

It's time to have the common sense and courage to return to the tax sharing formulas in place in the 1950's and 60s when the American economy was the envy of the world. Of course, the spending needs to decrease as well, but that is another whole discussion. What we need to stop is the massive and continuous Robin Hood in reverse that now has produced the greatest discrepancy between the rich and the rest of us.

And I have a question for all of you non-filthy rich who support the fat cats' greed over your own interests - do you do it because you think if you lick the bottoms of enough expensive hand-made boots and designer clothed buttocks that some of the wealth will trickle down to you or is it because the peoople in the media you listen to who tell you who to hate have told you to take this position? And please stop repeating the mantra that the filthy rich need this money to create jobs. They had their chance with these rates and if they created any jobs they were in China.

So lets all stop what we are doing for a day, a day named after Willie Sutton, so that we can remember that we need to get the money from where the money is, the ultra rich and giant corporations who use more of the resources and have more protected by the very government they want you to hate and the government of the people they wish to continue to short change instead of trying to solve our economic woes by reaching into the shallow pockets of the unemployed, the underemployed, the underemployed in two jobs or three jobs at once and anyone else working hard to stay above the poverty line.

ON 55TH ANNIVERSARY OF FAMOUS EVENT, REP ISSA WANTS FULL SCALE INVESTIGATION OF ROSA PARKS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - It was the "no" heard around the world. On December 1, 1955, Rosa Parks, an African American woman refused to follow the order of bus driver James Blake to give up her seat to a white man and move to the back of the bus. Now, over half a century later, California Republican Darrell Issa has pledged that when he takes over the leadership of the powerful House Oversight and Reform Committee in January, he will appoint a special prosecutor to perform a complete investigation of Rosa Parks.

"The fact that America's economy had gone to the back of the bus is no accident," Issa said, "I beleive this idea of a free ride that has crippled the country started with Rosa Parks and I mean to get to the bottom of it." "We think she may not have really been born in the United States, but in Africa as it seems her Alabama birth certificate is a phony," said Michele Bachmann (R- Minn). "and she must be exposed for starting the death panels where she forced white people to the back of the bus where they might easily die from the smell of the sweat and fumes that white people were not used to."

"Parks was a known Communist," said Glenn Beck on his Fox Television show, "the letter 'R' in her name is the same 'R' used in the word Russia and Rosa is a code word for red which is a code word for a Marxist fellow traveller." Beck said he welcomes the investigation and wants to make sure the purse Parks brought on the bus that day is searched as "I am certain as the fact tax cuts to the rich will jump start the economy that she was carrying a hammer and sickle."

"We think she was palling around with Negro Muslims and had an anti-American preacher," Sarah Palin said. "and I heard that she could see Communist Cuba from her house." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that it was time to stop all of the political correctness about Parks and to give equal time to ther person who actually upheld the law and traditional Southern values, bus driver James Blake. "I am confident the investigaton will take away the liberal media's unfair depection of Mr. Blake and place the blame of the upheaval where it belongs on that socialist, community organizer, Rosa Parks." McConnell said the investigation is needed because the public needs to know that to this day, Parks has never been able to prove that as a seamstress she was not sewing a giant flag of the Soviet Union."

Issa said he expects his investigation will show that far from being lauded for refusing to go to the back of the bus, Rosa Park really deserved to be thrown under the bus. President Obama said he welcomed the opportunity to see the other side of the Birmingham bus crises, saying he wants to work in a more bipartisan manner with the Republicans and perhaps Rosa Parks made a mistake for not giving up her seat, but as a compromise maybe she shouldn't have had to go all the way to the back, but taken a seat in the middle of the bus.