GOP PLAN AT AIRPORTS: PRIVATIZE YOUR PRIVATES
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In the wake of the strong protests of Americans to invasive scanning and groping at the airports by TSA personnel, Republicans have proposed a solution: privatize the TSA. "The nine most frightening words in the English language," said soon to be House Majority Leader John Boehner paraphrasing President Ronald Reagan, "is, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to grope.'"

This is a simple question for Americans," Boehner said, "would you rather trust your nasty regions to lazy overpaid government freeloaders or have them searched by those workers chosen by the glorious free marketplace?" Moving this important funciton to the private sector could also help ease Obama's rampant unemployment, Boehner said. "We have had a great deal of interest in these jobs from out of work sex-offenders looking for a second chance," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), "and what is more American that giving them that second chance."

There seems to be growing support for the idea of disbanding the TSA, as evidenced by a growing movement of angry white people who have jammed hastily called town hall meetings, shouting at their top of their lungs. With the help of donations from the Koch Brothers and Rupert Murdoch, the grass roots Me Party Movement has grown into a force, practically overnight. "We called it the Me Party to signify the individual freedom each person has according to the Constitution to be the one deciding who hands are going to go for the gonads and it certainly ain't going to be Obama's unionized TSA youth corps getting into my pants," said Billy Jim Pickens, President of the Alabama Me Party, who was holding a sign at the Birmingham airport that read, "Keep Your Government Hands off my Medicare and My Junk."

"The private sector can always handle jobs better than the government, and this job requires quite a bit of handling," said Clive Hammet, former VP at the now defunct Lehman Brothers and current CEO of Grand Rapids Optimum Personal Expert Search, Inc, a private firm offering airport screening. Hammet said GROPES, Inc. as his company is known, believes "the best method for making sure we are all safe is a hands on approach and we have a group of ex-cons and ex-clergy who are ready willing and able to work well below Mcdonald's wages to make use of their idle hands."

Republicans also outlined the second part of their plan to solve airport security, which is to lower taxes to the very wealthy. "By putting more money in the pockets of the movers and shakers of this country," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "safe travel will trickle down to the rest of American public."

GLENN BECK: OBAMA PARDONED A COMMUNIST TURKEY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Glenn Beck claimed on his Fox Television show today, that President Barack Obama deliberately pardoned a Bolshevist bird. "The turkey Barack Hussein Obama set free is named Apple which is the record label of known Marxist John Lennon of the Beatles," Beck said wielding his chalk, "and it is no accident this turkey came from a farm in northern California, a hot bed of lesbian communism." Beck also pointed out the turkey was fed a diet of corn and soy, "a leftist vegitarian stew and anti-red blooded American meat and potato diet if I ever heard one."

Beck also warned Obama's action was just the first step of a sinister agenda. "You can bet your mother's eyes he will soon pardon George Soros, Stalin and both Karl and Groucho Marx. Don't be fooled, those glasses, fake mustache and cigar distraction were surely the disguise of a Russian spy."

Fox's Bill O'Reilly agreed. "And if you think Obama has done a good job of ruining Thanksgiving, wait until you see what he has planned for his war on Christmas."

WHAT AMERICA REALLY VOTED FOR BY THROWING OUT LIBERALS AND BRINGING IN THE TEA

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) Most pundits have moved on from what was the true meaning of the mid-term elections and are now busy focused on whether America is conservative enough to vote Brisol Palin to victory on Dancing with the Stars or whether George W. "he's reflective now, baby" Bush has rehabilitated himself with a plagiarized memior.

However, thanks to the tireless research of the crack Post Times Sun Dispatch staff, we want to present what liberals and conservatives (especially the Tea Party conservatives who took up most of the media spotlight) have stood for to reflect on the nature of the direction chosen by Americans thoughtful exercise of their right to participate in the democratic rebublic experiment called the United States of America.

What Liberals Have Brougt You ----What Tea Partiers Have Brought You

End of Slavery ---------------Picture signs of Obama with a bone in his nose

Breaking away from England------- Wearing funny hats

Medicare---------------Shouting down supporters of health care reform

Social Security----------------Wearing clothes with American flags on them

End of child labor-------------------Children carrying anti-gay signs

Anti-fascist anti-trust laws----Picture signs of Obama in a Nazi uniform

Women's right to vote-----Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Sharon Angle

Protection of environment----Wanting government boots of the neck of BP

Women's rights---------------------Putting boot on neck of woman protestor

Roads, bridges and other infrastructure------More funny hats

Consumer protection--------------Did we say derogotary pictures of Obama

Civil Rights------------------------Spitting on black congressmen

Public Education------------------Glenn Beck

Unemployment Insurance---------Legal tax evasion for the very rich

Religious freedom-----------------Crusade against ground zero mosque

Compassion-----------------------Even more funny hats and hateful signs

For those who voted, you have made your preferences clear- see above. For the many more who didn't vote, perhaps spured on by those like commedian John Stewart who beleived there is no real difference between the parties, you may want to look at the above list again and then revisit an old song, used by the struggling middle class against tyrannical bosses - Which side are you on boys, which side are you on.

WAS LOST 60'S HIPPIE A MODERN DAY NOSTRADAMUS?

by R J Shulman

BETHEL, New York (PTSD) - Controversial documents have surfaced in a cave at White Lake in upstate New York that some experts say was an accounting of the prophet like dream of a hippe who attended the Woodstock Festival in the summer 1969 and had visions after he took some of the supposedly tainted brown acid. The wild dream, or "weird nightmare" in the opinion of Wallace W. "Groovey" Applebaum, a then 18 year-old drop-out from Brooklyn, New York has created a stir in its supposedly accurate depiction of a different world some forty years later, that could be construed to represent present times.

The doucment found by an employee of a mining company looking for minerals near White Lake, was proprotedly a word for word transcript of Applebaum's dream as told to Else Schnoenberg, a reporter for the German Magazine, Der Speigel who unfortunatly died from an asthma attack while attending the festival.

Some of the highlights of Applebaum's wild rant, a vision of which he claims America was like "two scores" in the future are:

1. One minute I'm singing along to the Who's "My Generation," you know the part where they say, "hope I die before I get old," and then I am in a sea of fat, balding pastey white guys, listening to our music, you know, the Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, Santana and sh*t. But man, I know its the future because they call our music "Classic Rock." But what is so scary is that they are not into peace love and dope. They are into war, hate and keeping weed illegal.

2. These fat baldies are accopanied by their angry old ladies, all waring American flags and revolutionary sh*t, but they are not protesting the man taking away their freedoms. Instead, they are supporting the man to take away more freedom's like from certain brothers and sisters, you know the boys who like boys and the girls who like girls, and then they want to beat up on our Mexican brothers and sisters who they enticed over here by offers of jobs and stuff.

3. The one groovy thing that happened is that there was a black man in the White House, a cool smart brother, like if Jimi Hendrix was the Prez, but the people turned on him fast, like it was so weird because the white man f*cked up the country for over two hundred years and then they give the black man about a year and half to try and clean all that sh*t up. How fair is that?

4. The people who were singing "Revolution" and "For What It's Worth" and "Working Class Hero" one minute, now hate people who have to work for a livng, and they they forgot all about the pointlessness of the Viet Nam war and cheered on when some redneck phony moron of a President, not the Brother who followed, but a real dufus who couldn't even read invaded an innocent country so he and his friends could make some money. And when the people died, the country went bankrupt and everyone in the world hated America for being a bully, well, this president who may have really been a chimpanzee, its a little fuzzy to me, well, then he dresses in the uniform of oppression on some battleship and says, "Mission Accomplished." He accomplished it all right, like the score was Warmongers 1 and the Freaks and Hippies 0.

5. These overweight piglike whities worship a weird Jesus. This Jesus at first looks like the real thing, but it turns out that even though he still has long hair and wears sandals, he has sold out because he hates the poor, wants the rich to get more and more, likes war, and calls anyone who wants to lend a helping hand to a poor person, a Nazi Communinst, whatever that means and then he wants us to kill Arabs or anyone who doesn't worship him like the way he would do. Man, that sounds more like Satan than the Prince of Peace.

6. The good news in this dream, well it seems like good news at first is that in the future there really is a movement to give real power to the people, but the bad news is the man says that the people means Corporations as they are the real people. I am f*ckin' wigged out, bro.

Carbon date testing of the documents have shown them to be about 41 years old, the age they would have been if they were written around the time of the Woodstock Music Festival in August 1969. Fox News has declared the documents a fake, financed by George Soros, reporting that they are a giant hoax on the scale of the myth of global warming.

Applebaum was never heard from again, although there is some speculation that he is the W.W. Applebaum who is wanted for fraud in the collapsle of Lehman Brothers. Applebaum is accused of funneling billions into his off-shore bank account leaving a note that he was "going to let his freak flag fly."

IN MEMOIR, HITLER DEFENDS ENHANCED INTERROGATION, ADMITS MISTAKES
by R J Shulman

NEW HAVEN, Connecticut - (PTSD News) - Having remained silent since the premature announcement of his death sixty-five years ago, former German Furher Adoph Hitler has revealed his thoughts on the most historic and controversial parts of his leadership of Germany between 1933-1945. In the wake of the success of former President George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points, Hitler's book, Entscheidung Punkte will be published by Bush's publisher Random House. Hitler's tell-all book, originally set for release on September 1, 2010, 71 years to the date Hitler took his pre-emptive strike on Poland because he thought they had weapons of mass destruction, was delayed and should hit the stores on December 7, 2010.

In the book, Hitler defended his use of what he called "enhanced interrogation" of the Jews. "My lawyers told me it was legal," Hitler said, "besides how else was I going to get important information of who were the real enemies of the Fatherland. It's not my fault that a few died."

Hilter, not known for admitting mistakes in the dozen years he ruled Germany, said he made a mistake by "being slow to respond to the dangers of specific Jews, such as Albert Einsten and Robert Oppenheimer who's scientific abilities would cause trouble for Germany and Japan." My other mistake was on December 9, 1941, when I declared war on the United States. I should have jsut waited about sixty-years for great Americans like George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann who understand that dangers of the socialist programs of traitors like FDR."

Hitler admitted that the low point of his Fuhrership was when Zippy Weinstein, a popular German Jewish entertainer said, "Hitler doesn't like Jewish People," to the German Press before he was sent away for enhanced interrogation. "I really liked that Zippy guy," Hitler said, "he could really play the fiddle and dance like nobody's business and it really hurt me to hear him say that."

Hitler says he has been heartened by the Amercian Tea Party and the current Conservative Movement in the United States. "My heart sang when that Rand Paul supporter put his boot on the neck of that communist female supporter. It was just like old times. The icing on the German chocolate cake for me would be if the Tea Partiers would trade in their stupid hats and stars and striped clothes for simple beauty of the brown shirt."

Hitler, originally perported to have died in a bunker in 1945, was kept alive in a bunker in New Haven, Connecticut, on property owned by former trading partners of his, the Bush family. He was kept alive by German medical science learned from experiemens on undesirable enemy combatants. "We lent these scientic discoveries to our good freind Dick Cheney," Hitler said, "how else could someone be kept alive so long without a heart."

EXCERPT FROM BOOK WRITTEN IN FUTURE ABOUT END OF AMERICA GOES VIRAL ON INTERNET

by R J Shulman

GRAYSON, New Mexico - (PTSD News) - Is it a book from the future or an elaborate hoax? That is the quesiton surrounding The Rise and Fall of the American Empire, an e-book claiming to have been written in 2074 by Xiao Chen that has recently surfaced and then spead all over the electronic media. The material first appeared in early December 2009 on a smart phone that was accidentally sent through a partical accelorator in a Colorado lab.

"The reason it is hard to dismiss this as a hoax is that the book accurately 'predicted' the 2010 election eleven months before it happened and announced the San Francisco Giants as the World Series Champions with exact scores," said Samuel V. Comstock of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who has been studying the information. The book contained one other section on the supposed end of America as a world power.

Here is the excerpt from the e-book, which showed up in Chinese and has been translated into English:

The fall of America, until the rise of modern China the most powerful nation in history, can be traced to a theory of economics called 'trickle down' in which great privalege was given to the most wealthy and powerful with the idea that great fortune would then trickle down to the great American middle class. Alas, the reverse happened and wealth and fortune trickled up even more to the wealthy few....

The last great hope was President Barack H. Obama (2008-2012) the first and only American President of African descent who tried to revese this course, but thought it was more important to be liked by the opposition forces, the Corporatists masquerading as the Repbulican party, than to fight for his ideas and the ideals of his followers. Obama's Democratic forces were soundly defeated at the battle of 2010 and Obama was eventually impeached for trying to unconstitutionally keep Americans healthy with changes in the manner in which medical care was dispersed, which was ultmately considered in voilaton of the law of Corporate profits.

Others blamed the demise of the American dream on Democrats for not having the cojones, a slang term of Hispanic origin meaning not standing up for one's beliefs, to oppose the appointment of Corporatist lawyers Samuel Alito and John Roberts to the United States Supreme Court who ruled that corporations were the real people the founding fathers had created America for and whose interests should be protected at all costs over the rights of the selfish few. This led to the Corporate take over of America in 2012 and the ultimate sale of its parts to China, Taiwan and newly emerging Viet Nam...

While some people beleive this e-book information has indeed come from the future, and maybe gives America a chance to survive instead of suffering such a dreary fate, Republicans have dismissed this book as a hoax by the "sore loser liberals." "This is just more of the socialist propoganda of people who want the boot heel of Government on the necks of corporations, instead of where it belongs, on the necks of people who support big government interfering with profits," said Senator elect- Rand Paul.