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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

by R J Shulman

BETHEL, New York (PTSD) - Controversial documents have surfaced in a cave at White Lake in upstate New York that some experts say was an accounting of the prophet like dream of a hippe who attended the Woodstock Festival in the summer 1969 and had visions after he took some of the supposedly tainted brown acid. The wild dream, or "weird nightmare" in the opinion of Wallace W. "Groovey" Applebaum, a then 18 year-old drop-out from Brooklyn, New York has created a stir in its supposedly accurate depiction of a different world some forty years later, that could be construed to represent present times.
The doucment found by an employee of a mining company looking for minerals near White Lake, was proprotedly a word for word transcript of Applebaum's dream as told to Else Schnoenberg, a reporter for the German Magazine, Der Speigel who unfortunatly died from an asthma attack while attending the festival.

Some of the highlights of Applebaum's wild rant, a vision of which he claims America was like "two scores" in the future are:

1. One minute I'm singing along to the Who's "My Generation," you know the part where they say, "hope I die before I get old," and then I am in a sea of fat, balding pastey white guys, listening to our music, you know, the Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Cream, Santana and sh*t. But man, I know its the future because they call our music "Classic Rock." But what is so scary is that they are not into peace love and dope. They are into war, hate and keeping weed illegal.

2. These fat baldies are accopanied by their angry old ladies, all waring American flags and revolutionary sh*t, but they are not protesting the man taking away their freedoms. Instead, they are supporting the man to take away more freedom's like from certain brothers and sisters, you know the boys who like boys and the girls who like girls, and then they want to beat up on our Mexican brothers and sisters who they enticed over here by offers of jobs and stuff.

3. The one groovy thing that happened is that there was a black man in the White House, a cool smart brother, like if Jimi Hendrix was the Prez, but the people turned on him fast, like it was so weird because the white man f*cked up the country for over two hundred years and then they give the black man about a year and half to try and clean all that sh*t up. How fair is that?

4. The people who were singing "Revolution" and "For What It's Worth" and "Working Class Hero" one minute, now hate people who have to work for a livng, and they they forgot all about the pointlessness of the Viet Nam war and cheered on when some redneck phony moron of a President, not the Brother who followed, but a real dufus who couldn't even read invaded an innocent country so he and his friends could make some money. And when the people died, the country went bankrupt and everyone in the world hated America for being a bully, well, this president who may have really been a chimpanzee, its a little fuzzy to me, well, then he dresses in the uniform of oppression on some battleship and says, "Mission Accomplished." He accomplished it all right, like the score was Warmongers 1 and the Freaks and Hippies 0.

5. These overweight piglike whities worship a weird Jesus. This Jesus at first looks like the real thing, but it turns out that even though he still has long hair and wears sandals, he has sold out because he hates the poor, wants the rich to get more and more, likes war, and calls anyone who wants to lend a helping hand to a poor person, a Nazi Communinst, whatever that means and then he wants us to kill Arabs or anyone who doesn't worship him like the way he would do. Man, that sounds more like Satan than the Prince of Peace.

6. The good news in this dream, well it seems like good news at first is that in the future there really is a movement to give real power to the people, but the bad news is the man says that the people means Corporations as they are the real people. I am f*ckin' wigged out, bro.

Carbon date testing of the documents have shown them to be about 41 years old, the age they would have been if they were written around the time of the Woodstock Music Festival in August 1969. Fox News has declared the documents a fake, financed by George Soros, reporting that they are a giant hoax on the scale of the myth of global warming.

Applebaum was never heard from again, although there is some speculation that he is the W.W. Applebaum who is wanted for fraud in the collapsle of Lehman Brothers. Applebaum is accused of funneling billions into his off-shore bank account leaving a note that he was "going to let his freak flag fly."


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