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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD) - When faced with lemons, some people set about the task of making lemonade, others like the GOP look for more lemons. Fresh from repeating their favorite mantra, "nobama" like they are in the death throes of some mysterious fatal form of OCD, the Republicans, realizing if they take power they might have to say "yes" to something, have said yes to "taking America back" ( a wonderful double meaning code word - on one hand meaning taking the country back from a black man who in a sweaty modern conservative's mad nightmare, snuck in the front and not the back door of the White House - and on the other, signifying their desire to take America backwards, to the wonderous time of white Christian male birthrights - the orginal group of "birthers").

With dreams of their 1994 bloodless coup dancing in their perscription drug-addled heads, it is quite fitting their Amended Contract with America is named after a chemical riddled cleaning product - Pledge. They will use this Pledge to clean up the mess of massive government deficits, unwinnable undefinable wars, unprecidented unemployment and an economy that is about as solid and stable as a mattress balancing on a bottle of wine, all masterfully masterminded by President Obama in just a little over a year and a half in office while at the same time he was palling around and encouraging Muslims to weave prayer rugs from the death shrouds of our 9-11 dead, planting false birth certificates in Hawaii, setting up death panels and trying to turn the military into a giant bath house.

Here is how they promise to use their Lemon Pledge to make America smelling and looking fresh:

1) They will wipe and wipe away at America until it is too small to bother with things like regulations so we can get back to the unfettered pursuit of the three G's, Greed, Graft, and Gluttony.

2) Shine up the laws that allow for the continued legal tax evasion of the ultra rich who use this added wealth to create jobs - unfortunately the GOP doesn't let on that these jobs tend to be maids, gardeners, pool boys, nannies and other positions for undocumented workers

3) Remove the stain of overpaid workers and and further de-fang communisitic unions who want to force global employers from using the globe to find the most econically advantageous work force

4) Put a private sheen on all things public by privatizing social security, medicare and anything else where massive sums of money would be much better protected by falling into the hands of the very Wall Street wizards and Banksters who just finished their successful blackmail scheme of emptying the people's treasury, or esle they would blow up the entire world's economy.

5) Wipe away the public relations stink of whiners talking about toxic oil spills, dead miners, toxic water, befouled air, global warming or zombies forced to eat frankenfoods, by calling those squealers who bring up these concerns as "environ-Nazis."

So Republicans have begun in earnest to solicit supporters to help them point the nozzle of their giant vat of lemon pledge on an America still reeling from the last blast of this toxic material we have been wallowing in since Ronald Reagan convinced us our enemy was the federal government, helping others, a decent wage and yes, us. You can count on Republicans using their usual advertizing scheme to get votes by claiming thier Pledge is mighty enough to wipe out gays, illegal immigrants, Muslims, welfare mothers of the Negro persuasion, abortionists and sick minded liberals while causing only a litle bit of necessaryt collateral damage. They fail to mention, of course, that the collateral damage is the entire middle class.

As they say, its a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you realize Gooper Pledge CAUSES Wacky, Yellow (run-away, run-away...from the press) Build-up?

8:43 PM  

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