GOP VOWS TO STOP CREEPING SOCIALISM BY BANNING PAY TOILETS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Energized by polls which indicate they will gain enough seats in the House and the Senate to take over Congress, Republicans have announced a sweeping plan to "keep America America." "We must protect this great country from the scourge of socialism which threatens the very fabric of our way of life," said former House Majority Leader Newt Gingrich, "and that means privitizing everything from public education to public toilets."

Gingrich, who has been quite vocal in his opposition to public toilets said,"it's about time these freeloaders stop dumping on the American taxpayer." Sharron Angle, who is running for the Senate in Nevada said, "not only must we close public schools, but we should eliminate public libraries which have become terrorist internet training grounds." "Social Security as well as social justice should be privitized, so help me God," said Glenn Beck who has also called for the privitization of the military. "That way," Beck said, "a private will really be a private."

House Minority Leader John Boehner said all government programs and functions should be privatized, "except my job, my benefits and my health insurance, of course." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reminded his fellow Republicans that one area that should be kept socialized is helping corporations who are too big to fail. "The American people know how heartless the Democrats are to unfortnate CEO's who have gone one or maybe two quarters without a bonus and these voters will punish the Democrats this November.

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