GOP PLAN AT AIRPORTS: PRIVATIZE YOUR PRIVATES
by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In the wake of the strong protests of Americans to invasive scanning and groping at the airports by TSA personnel, Republicans have proposed a solution: privatize the TSA. "The nine most frightening words in the English language," said soon to be House Majority Leader John Boehner paraphrasing President Ronald Reagan, "is, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to grope.'"

This is a simple question for Americans," Boehner said, "would you rather trust your nasty regions to lazy overpaid government freeloaders or have them searched by those workers chosen by the glorious free marketplace?" Moving this important funciton to the private sector could also help ease Obama's rampant unemployment, Boehner said. "We have had a great deal of interest in these jobs from out of work sex-offenders looking for a second chance," said Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), "and what is more American that giving them that second chance."

There seems to be growing support for the idea of disbanding the TSA, as evidenced by a growing movement of angry white people who have jammed hastily called town hall meetings, shouting at their top of their lungs. With the help of donations from the Koch Brothers and Rupert Murdoch, the grass roots Me Party Movement has grown into a force, practically overnight. "We called it the Me Party to signify the individual freedom each person has according to the Constitution to be the one deciding who hands are going to go for the gonads and it certainly ain't going to be Obama's unionized TSA youth corps getting into my pants," said Billy Jim Pickens, President of the Alabama Me Party, who was holding a sign at the Birmingham airport that read, "Keep Your Government Hands off my Medicare and My Junk."

"The private sector can always handle jobs better than the government, and this job requires quite a bit of handling," said Clive Hammet, former VP at the now defunct Lehman Brothers and current CEO of Grand Rapids Optimum Personal Expert Search, Inc, a private firm offering airport screening. Hammet said GROPES, Inc. as his company is known, believes "the best method for making sure we are all safe is a hands on approach and we have a group of ex-cons and ex-clergy who are ready willing and able to work well below Mcdonald's wages to make use of their idle hands."

Republicans also outlined the second part of their plan to solve airport security, which is to lower taxes to the very wealthy. "By putting more money in the pockets of the movers and shakers of this country," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, "safe travel will trickle down to the rest of American public."