KANSAS PASSES ANTI-ABORTION LAW THAT MAKES IT A CRIME FOR A WOMAN TO REFUSE TO HAVE SEX

by R J Shulman

 

TOPEKA, Kansas – (PTSD News Service) – Kansas has just passed the nation’s most restrictive anti-abortion law which makes it illegal for a woman to say no to a man who makes it known to her that he wants to have sexual relations.   The bill’s sponsor, Peter Spermwald (R-Hayes) said that, “the Bible says be fruitful and multiply, so it is clearly against our most cherished held religious beliefs to cause a possible baby to die when a woman refuses to let a man perform his God-given duty.”

 

“It is time we stop being bullied by the godless radical liberal socialists into calling it lust when a man desires a woman,” said Governor Sam Brownback, who signed the bill into law, “when it is the most righteous thing to do.  We should just call it God’s calling.”   “The extra bonus of this law is that it will end the discussion of whether or not Obamacare covers contraceptives as those are now outlawed as being abortion devices,” said State Senator Dick Smalley of Wichita, “not to mention that it will make rape laws irrelevant as now in Kansas her no legally means yes.”

 

This is just another right wing white Christian male attempt at controlling women’s bodies,” said Dorothy Toto, a women’s rights activist from Overland Park, Kansas.  “This state has gone so crazy it’s like I am not in Kansas anymore.”

The bill, called the Get Lucky Religious Freedom Act passed mostly along party and gender lines. 

REPUBLICANS IN FIGHT OVER WHETHER TO IMPEACH OBAMA BECAUSE HE UNDERESTIMATED OR OVER ESTIMATED ISIS

by R J Shulman

 WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service – Republicans are engaged in a heated debate that threatens to tear the party in two over whether President Obama should be removed from office because he overestimated ISIS or underestimated them.   Some more traditional Republicans, such as Speaker of the House John Boehner favor impeaching President Obama because he underestimated the strength of ISIS. “Obama should have gone to war with the ISIS terrorists much earlier,” Boehner said, “which is clearly an impeachable offense.”

However, Tea Party members have a different view.  “That audacious tyrant has overstepped his authority when he overestimated the strength of ISIS and started bombing them,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, “and that is clearly an impeachable offense.”

There is a war going on in the Republican Party on this issue,” said Wade Intuit, a Washington based political analyst, “but the good news is that Republicans never met a war they didn’t like.”

OBAMA ANNOUNCES PRIORITIES OF WHICH COUNTRIES AMERICA WILL BOMB IN WAR ON TERROR

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – President Obama announced today that after serious review of his strategy to combat ISIL, he has re-prioritized the order of which countries the United States will bomb to protect American interests.  “We originally thought that it was best to combat the war on terror by bombing ISIL in Syria, but realized that Syria should really be 35^th on our list of countries to bomb,” Obama said, “So to more efficiently combat this war on terror, we will shift to the targets on the list I have just approved.”

The new bombing list, in order or which countries will be bombed is as follows:

Venezuela

Saudi Arabia

Canada

Iran

Iraq

Kuwait

United Arab Emirates

Russia

Libya

Nigeria

Kazakhstan

When told that this list had nothing to do with terrorism, but was a list in order of the countries that have more oil reserves than the United States, Obama reiterated that the new bombing order had everything to do with the war on terror.  “And, I don’t just mean the terror faced by American drivers who could pull up to empty pumps at gas stations,” Obama said, “but the sheer terror of the patriotic oil companies whose profits might be compromised by not having full control over those oil reserves.”

SECRET SERVICE STOPS SUSPICIOUS BLACK MAN TRYING TO GET INTO WHITE HOUSE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service)  -  Just days after both 42-year old Oscar Gonzales jumped a fence and managed to open a door to the White House and another would-be intruder tried to enter the building, the Secret Service detained a man trying to enter the property accompanies by a woman and two young girls.   “We got a frantic call that a suspicious African-American man was trying to secretly enter the White House along with an African American adult female and two African American female juveniles,” said Wayne Gunderson a spokesman for the Secret Service.

“We were told to be on the lookout for a Kenyan born Muslim who palled around with terrorists and who was planning to use his community organizer skills to replace the American system of health care with socialized medicine,” Gunderson said.   

Authorities said the still unidentified man had the audacity to claim that he was simply returning to his residence because he claimed  that he was the President of the United States.  “Obviously, that was untrue,” Gunderson said, “I watch Fox News and they said that Mitt Romney won the election in a landslide.”

The intruder who claimed that the woman was his wife and the girls his children, was being detained by authorities who are questioning him on his role in the attack on Benghazi that killed four Americans.

“One way or another we will get to the bottom of this,” Gunderson said, “even if we have to call for help from the experts from the Ferguson, Missouri police department.”

NFL HIRES FOUR WOMEN ADVISORS TO FIND OUT WHAT WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS DO THAT CAUSES FOOTBALL PLAYERS TO GET ANGRY

by R J Shulman

 NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to hire four women to serve as an advisory panel to help curb the domestic violence that has plagued the football league of late.  “We took a big hit when the video surfaced that showed Janay Rice’s face getting in the way of Ray Rice’s fist,” Goodell said, “so I have decided to hire four chicks to determine what it is that women do that makes our players want to slam them to the ground.”

Goodell put forth a five point program that the panel will address to try and diminish domestic violence in the NFL.  The panel will:

1.      Oversee the development of a training program for NFL wives, girlfriends and fiancées so that they will not say or do anything that will make their man want to tackle them,

2.      Specifically provide instructions to these women on how to act after their man’s team has just suffered a devastating loss on the field,

3.      Make sure that all 32 teams offer counselling to these women when they have lost control and done something  to make their man angry,

4.      Implement a program that trains players where there may be hidden cameras and video recorders in case their wives, girlfriends or fiancées get out of line and make them turn violent, and

5.      Train players on what to say to the media if their woman got in the way of their fist, boot, bat or bullet.

Due to the Adrian Peterson accusation that he beat his young son with a switch, Goodell hinted that the league may soon be hiring a panel of children to determine what it is that kids do that drives their NFL dads crazy.  “We are being pro-active to show the world that we are serious about this domestic violence,” Goodell said, “besides we need to be able to avoid all of this unnecessary roughness the NFL has been suffering lately at the hands of the press.”

CUT BY RAVENS, RAY RICE NOW RECRUITED BY ISIS

By R J Shulman

BALTIMORE – (PTSD News Service) – In a video that authorities say is authentic, an ISIS spokesman announced that the Islamic terrorist organization wants a new team member, disgraced running back Ray Rice.  “It is refreshing to see that there are some Americans who understand the sacred place of women,” the spokesman said.  “We could also use some of his $25 million in our battle against the infidels.”

Reports have surfaced that the Taliban in Afghanistan and the most extreme Christian fundamentalist groups here in the United States may soon also make an offer to Rice.  While Rice did not say if he would accept ISIS’s offer, he did say that “if my damn fiancée had only covered her face in that elevator, I wouldn’t have had all of this trouble and I would be beating up on those hapless Browns in Cleveland on September 21st.”

 

 

 

 

 

  

FORMER VIRGINIA GOVERNOR McDONNELL CONVICTED OF CORRUPTION; ANNOUNCES BID FOR GOP PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION

by R J Shulman

RICHMOND, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell was found guilty of 11 counts of corruption and bribery by a federal grand jury.  Almost immediately, he announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring for the Republican presidential nomination to run in 2016.

“Heck, if Rick Perry’s mere indictment for abuse of power propelled him into the limelight and has given him traction in his bid for the presidency,” McDonnel said,  “can you imagine what my actual conviction can do for me?”  McDonnell said that Jesus has forgiven him, even if his wife, also convicted on 9 counts of corruption, hasn’t, and that informed Americans know that a vote for him is a vote against the political tyranny of Barack Obama and a vote for the Bible instead of the Koran.

The news of Perry’s indictment and now McDonnell’s conviction has thrown presidential hopeful Chris Christie from the spotlight.  “If my bridge scandal does not soon turn into a conviction,” Christie said, “my presidential ambitions may be sunk and if so, I may have to make McDonnell and Perry offers that they can’t refuse.”

McDonnell vowed that he would fight his corruption conviction by raising funds from taking all the donations he can from lobbyists who want favors from him when he is president.