NFL HIRES FOUR WOMEN ADVISORS TO FIND OUT WHAT WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS DO THAT CAUSES FOOTBALL PLAYERS TO GET ANGRY

by R J Shulman

 NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to hire four women to serve as an advisory panel to help curb the domestic violence that has plagued the football league of late.  “We took a big hit when the video surfaced that showed Janay Rice’s face getting in the way of Ray Rice’s fist,” Goodell said, “so I have decided to hire four chicks to determine what it is that women do that makes our players want to slam them to the ground.”

Goodell put forth a five point program that the panel will address to try and diminish domestic violence in the NFL.  The panel will:

1.      Oversee the development of a training program for NFL wives, girlfriends and fiancées so that they will not say or do anything that will make their man want to tackle them,

2.      Specifically provide instructions to these women on how to act after their man’s team has just suffered a devastating loss on the field,

3.      Make sure that all 32 teams offer counselling to these women when they have lost control and done something  to make their man angry,

4.      Implement a program that trains players where there may be hidden cameras and video recorders in case their wives, girlfriends or fiancées get out of line and make them turn violent, and

5.      Train players on what to say to the media if their woman got in the way of their fist, boot, bat or bullet.

Due to the Adrian Peterson accusation that he beat his young son with a switch, Goodell hinted that the league may soon be hiring a panel of children to determine what it is that kids do that drives their NFL dads crazy.  “We are being pro-active to show the world that we are serious about this domestic violence,” Goodell said, “besides we need to be able to avoid all of this unnecessary roughness the NFL has been suffering lately at the hands of the press.”