CUT BY RAVENS, RAY RICE NOW RECRUITED BY ISIS

By R J Shulman

BALTIMORE – (PTSD News Service) – In a video that authorities say is authentic, an ISIS spokesman announced that the Islamic terrorist organization wants a new team member, disgraced running back Ray Rice.  “It is refreshing to see that there are some Americans who understand the sacred place of women,” the spokesman said.  “We could also use some of his $25 million in our battle against the infidels.”

Reports have surfaced that the Taliban in Afghanistan and the most extreme Christian fundamentalist groups here in the United States may soon also make an offer to Rice.  While Rice did not say if he would accept ISIS’s offer, he did say that “if my damn fiancée had only covered her face in that elevator, I wouldn’t have had all of this trouble and I would be beating up on those hapless Browns in Cleveland on September 21st.”