NORTH CAROLINA’S FIRST VOTE WITH RESTRICTIVE VOTER ID LAW WILL BE TO DECIDE WHETHER TO REINSTATE SLAVERY

by R J Shulman

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA – (PTSD News Service) – North Carolina’s brand new voter ID law will have its first test as voters will flock to the polls to see if they are allowed to vote on whether the Tar Heel State will be the first state to reinstate slavery.  The new voter identification law not only requires a valid state sanctioned photo ID, but requires a person to prove they know culture by reciting the lyrics to Tyler Farr’s song, Redneck Crazy, know history by exhibiting a Confederate flag on at least one pick-up truck and also must show they are healthy by proving that no in their family ever suffered from sickle cell anemia.

State Republican Chairman Dwayne Scuggs, who denied that the law targets blacks said, “Those liberals and Communists who keep trying to tell us how to run things down here will be eating a lot of Jim Crow after this election is over”

If all goes well with this election, the next vote will be whether the state will remove the word “North” from its name.  “We really shouldn’t have any reference to those invaders who illegally violated our sovereignty and the will of God by forcing us to stay in the Union,” Scuggs said.

FOX FACTS ON WHY HEALTHCARE.GOV IS SO SLOW

by R J. Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD- News Service) - Fox News has reported the following ten reasons why the Obamacare website is so slow:

1.      Obama himself reads your personal profile so he knows which of your enemies to send your most personal information to

2.      It takes a bit of time for the program to locate all of your guns and notify the feds so they can confiscate them

3.      Muslim, black and illegal Mexicans are automatically sent to the head of the line when they log in, bumping you to the back of the bus, so to speak

4.      It takes some time to match your family profile to the proper death panel

5.      They system has to take the time to determine if you are a conservative and if so it will knock you off line and if it finds out you are a tea party conservative it schedules you with a government doctor for castration

6.      The system has been overloaded because it has been programmed to assign everyone to a detention camp

7.      The system is frustrating on purpose because they want you to get so despondent that you kill yourself so they can divert your health care benefits and subsidies to welfare queens

8.      As a promise to get their vote in the general election, Obama had to hire lazy, shiftless and uppity minorities to run the website  

9.      It takes some time for the system to place a computer chip in your body through your fingertips that are typing on government altered keyboards.

10.  The devil is in the details because the devil himself created this law

Remember it is not paranoia if Obama’s tyrannical governmental thugs really are out to get you. 

SCALIA RULES SATAN A PERSON AND IS ENTITLED TO 1^ST AMENDMENT FREE SPEECH RIGHTS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – While most of the federal government has been shut down, the Supreme Court has remained open for business.  Today in a 5-4 decision, Justice Antonin Scalia writing for the majority said that Satan is a person and is entitled to First Amendment free speech protection.  Scalia reasoned that since money has been deemed free speech by the Supreme Court, it was clear that the Horned One has no restrictions on how much money he can give to the candidates of his choice.

“This should once and for all extinguish all doubt that the Earth is my domain,” said Satan, who heard about the ruling while vacationing in Las Vegas.

Scalia said that some people might find his ruling troubling and unsupported by law, but that after a careful review of the law, he feels comfortable that the devil was in the details.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, writing an impassioned response for the minority said, “Apparently the Prince of Darkness has clouded the vision of the majority.  The founding fathers would have said that Satan would be considered a person only if hell froze over.”   

The Supreme Court’s ruling should be a boon to Republicans who were the beneficiaries of 66% of Satan’s contributions while the Democrats received 34%.

The case, Beelzebub v. Wilson, came from the 11^th Circuit in which the Devil went down to Georgia and wanted to give eight million dollars to a Tea Party candidate in exchange for his soul.

TEA PARTY THREATENS TO KIDNAP PRESIDENT’S FAMILY UNLESS HE DELAYS OBAMACARE

WASHINGTON – (PTSD – News Service – Satire) – After failing to get President Obama to negotiate with them after shutting down the Federal government and threatening to let the US default on its debt, Tea Party leaders have announced they will take the President’s family hostage unless he capitulates to their demands.

“Apparently this President doesn’t care a whiff about United States as he is causing it to shut down and lose its credit standing,” said Wylie Williamson, a Tea Party spokesman, “so we need to do something that will hit closer to home.  If his family disappears, the president will only have himself to blame.”

“I don’t think Obama wants to be the only US president in history who refuses to negotiate with the other party when there is a threat against his family,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “If this President fails to be reasonable and not repeal Obamacare and make deep cuts to entitlements and cut taxes on successful job creators and eliminate government regulations on business after his family has been moved to an undisclosed location, then we might have to threaten to drop an atomic bomb on his birthplace in Kenya.”

A Quinnipiac University poll shows that a slight majority, 52% believe that kidnapping the president’s family is not the best way to achieve bipartisanship, while a huge majority, 83% of Americans would be opposed to ABC Television cutting away from Dancing with the Stars to report on any story about the president’s family being kidnapped.

TEN FOX FACTS ABOUT OBAMACARE THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) - Since the Affordable Care Act has gone into high gear today, Fox News presented the following ten facts about “Obamacare” that the other networks have so far ignored:

1.      The Affordable Care Act was originally called the Kevorkian Care Act, but at the last minute, highly paid Democrat strategists changed it to “Affordable Care” as they believed it would distract the public into thinking the bill was actually about saving money and staying healthy

2.      Once you sign up for health insurance under Obamacare, your signature not only means that you support socialism, but that you have forfeited all of your personal and real property to minorities and illegal immigrants.

3.      While there was some confusion about Obamacare having death panels, the reason there are none is because all life or death decisions about your Grandma will be made by Barack Hussein Obama himself and he knows how you voted.

4.      The Affordable Care Act has been called Obamacare for a reason - as long as it is the law of the land, an Obama is required to be in the White House to administer it.

5.      Under the Affordable Care Act, the only way you can get a doctor appointment is to turn in all of your guns to the federal government

6.      Most of the 1,386,000 plus pages of the Affordable Care Act have nothing to do with health care, but imposes Sharia law on Americans

7.      The Woman’s Health Care section of Obamacare mandates that all men must be seen by female doctors and female health care providers to determine if the man gets to keep his reproductive organs of have them chopped off based upon the conscience and religious beliefs of the woman health care providers, most of whom are large angry lesbian wiccans

8.      If a man files for a hardship exemption to the mandatory female doctor provision described in fact #7, his male doctor must be openly gay, and we mean openly.

9.      In order to receive any health care under Obamacare, you will be forced to stop listening to country music, you must get rid of all of your pick-up trucks and you must never mention the word NASCAR ever again.

10.  Obama care legalizes cannibalism.

Fox News brings you these fair and balanced facts about Obamacare. You decide.