SCALIA RULES SATAN A PERSON AND IS ENTITLED TO 1^ST AMENDMENT FREE SPEECH RIGHTS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – While most of the federal government has been shut down, the Supreme Court has remained open for business.  Today in a 5-4 decision, Justice Antonin Scalia writing for the majority said that Satan is a person and is entitled to First Amendment free speech protection.  Scalia reasoned that since money has been deemed free speech by the Supreme Court, it was clear that the Horned One has no restrictions on how much money he can give to the candidates of his choice.

“This should once and for all extinguish all doubt that the Earth is my domain,” said Satan, who heard about the ruling while vacationing in Las Vegas.

Scalia said that some people might find his ruling troubling and unsupported by law, but that after a careful review of the law, he feels comfortable that the devil was in the details.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, writing an impassioned response for the minority said, “Apparently the Prince of Darkness has clouded the vision of the majority.  The founding fathers would have said that Satan would be considered a person only if hell froze over.”   

The Supreme Court’s ruling should be a boon to Republicans who were the beneficiaries of 66% of Satan’s contributions while the Democrats received 34%.

The case, Beelzebub v. Wilson, came from the 11^th Circuit in which the Devil went down to Georgia and wanted to give eight million dollars to a Tea Party candidate in exchange for his soul.