NEWS NETWORKS INCENSED THAT OBAMA AVOIDED BOMBING SYRIA

by R J Shulman 

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – CNN, Fox, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, CBS you name it, the news networks are up in arms against President Obama for apparently finding a diplomatic solution to the Syria crisis.  “We needed those exploding bombs over Syria for our sweeps week,” complained CNBC President Mark Hoffman, “now viewers will be watching Project Runway and those awful narcissistic Kardasians divorcing black guys instead of our field reporters detailing the damage in Damascus.”

“What the heck are we going to do now with all of these amazing ‘Syria at War’ graphics and great accompanying news sound effects?” asked NBC News President Steve Capus.  “I am so disappointed in President Obama for not shock and aweing Syria because we have the best looking on location reporter flak jackets in the news industry,” said CNN president Jim Walton, “and what a great way to introduce our spiffy new microphone windscreens than with serious war reporting.”

Roger Ailes, President of Fox news was furious when he heard there may be a peaceful solution to the Syrian situation.  “We were all set to go with our ‘Impeach Obama for Getting Us in a Pointless War with Syria’ campaign and that Muslim President up and does this peaceful thing.  Obama is the most heinous demon that the devil ever cooked up. Wait! Maybe we could make a report that ‘some experts say that Obama is responsible for creating Satan.’”

“Oh, my God.  Obama has created a news crisis of epic proportions as we may have to report actual news,” said Ben Sherwood, of ABC Television.  “Wait, isn’t there a new Dancing With the Stars that we could report about or maybe something about an aunt of Lindsay Lohan getting a ticket for DWI or rumors about Miley Cyrus needing back surgery after her MTV performance or that the royal baby is turning out to be a royal pain in the ass?  But foreign cities going ka-boom would have been so much better.”

News organizations are not the only groups that are criticizing Obama’s non-military response to the Syrian government’s alleged use of chemical weapons.  Halliburton CEO David J. Lesar said, “This is a massive tragedy that Obama has caused by not starting a war with Syria.  The President talks a good game about creating jobs, but his failure to invade or at least bomb Syria will put thousands of people out of jobs in the defense industry.”

“The American people will personally feel the pain of this bad Obama decision,” said William Swanson, CEO of Raytheon. “I know that for me that Obama’s ill-advised 60’s give-peace-a-chance throwback decision will mean I will have to put off getting that new yacht for at least two quarters.”

All hope is not lost however, according to Starling Institute’s chief analyst, Craig Shaw.  “There is a good chance that Iran will have their nukes ready sooner than expected and that should be enough to start the next skirmish which could, of course, lead not only to great news reporting and a boost to the defense industry, but to the end of the world.”  Ailes, of Fox was optimistic, “If Mr. Shaw is correct about a war with Iran being the end of the world, that would be terrific for Fox as we already have some awesome ‘end of the world’ graphics we prepared when Obama was elected president.”