ZIMMERMAN RESCUES FAMILY FROM BURNING HOUSE, BREAKS UP AL QAEDA CELL, BUT GETS NO PRESS

by R J Shulman

SANFORD, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – Celebrity attorney Mark O’Maera has asked the question, “what does one have to be considered a hero around here?”  He, of course, is referring to the remarkable day that his client, George Zimmerman had last Thursday.   O’Maera reported, “after George save the family from the overturned SUV, he pulled a family of four from their burning house and while en route to a local shelter to donate food to poor people, he rescued three woman who had been held captive in a basement by a deranged sex offender for a decade, and then while at a local hospital to visit with children with cancer, he overheard and broke up an Al Qaeda cell that was planning to blow up Orlando and while driving home from that he jumped out of his car in time to save the cutest family of ducks you ever saw who were crossing the road in front of a runaway school bus full of special needs children that he was able to jump onto and stop when the driver had a heart attack who was then saved by George using CPR.  Yet all the liberal media want to report is all of the demonstrations in support of a thug who broke off a piece of lethal sidewalk and tried to pummel this amazing hero, George Zimmerman to death.”

O’Maera said that he can’t believe that his client was able to get a fair trial in such a biased country.  “I just don’t understand that after all of the good deeds that George  has done in one day that no one reported it.  I mean, what does a guy have to around here to get arrested, oops a poor choice of words, but you know what I mean.”

Zimmerman was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson said that George was in the Middle East getting Israel and the Palestinians to sign a new peace treaty before he planned to visit Geneva, Switzerland where he plans to drop off a new cure for cancer that he developed.  

KOCH BROTHERS MAKE PLANS FOR ENTERING HEAVEN BY INVENTING NEEDLE WITH HUGE EYE

by R J Shulman

WICHITA, KS – (PTSD News Service) – Perhaps fearing that their time on earth is getting short, Charles, 77 and David Koch, 73, have spent millions of dollars on developing a new needle with an eye so large, “a camel could waltz right through it.”  “We are good Christians,” said Charles, “so we take Matthew 19:24 seriously where Jesus said it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, then for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.  So rather than take a chance of whether or not we could bribe St. Peter at the pearly gate, we decided to make it so easy for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye, so we’d have a better than a chance in hell to get into heaven.”

“At first, we tried to breed a tiny camel, but while we got a camel the size of a rat, we just couldn’t get over the hump of getting it any smaller,” David said, “so we opted for developing a needle with a giant eye.”

The Koch Brothers will unveil their new miracle needle at a Koch Industries meeting in August at which the Kochs will also unveil their well funded plans on how to convince the little people out there that having their drinking water completely contaminated by Koch Industries fracking practices is no big deal.

RICK PERRY FINALLY REMEMBERS THE THIRD FEDERAL DEPARTMENT HE WOULD ELIMINATE IF ELECTED PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

AUSTIN, Texas – (PTSD News Service) – While still not committing to a run for the presidency in 2016, Texas Governor Rick Perry may have provided a hint that he would throw his hat in the ring when he announced that he finally remembered the third federal government department he would eliminate if he were the President.   It has been widely agreed that Perry committed a major gaff during the November 9, 2011 Republican Debate when he said he would eliminate three government departments, named two but stumbled when trying to name the third.

“I have always been committed to smaller government that does not infringe upon the freedom of the people,” Perry said at a ceremony in which he signed into law one of the nation’s most restrictive laws regarding a woman’s ability to make choices about becoming a mother. “So today I want to make clear that I have finally recalled the third department of the federal government that I would dismantle if I was the president.  Along with the Department of Education and the Department of Commerce, I would eliminate the Federal Department of Memory.” 

ZIMMERMAN LEADING PACK FOR GOP 2016 PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) -  A new Quinnipiac University Poll indicates that the GOP have a bright new star on the horizon - recently acquitted George Zimmerman, who has quickly risen as the top choice of likely Republican voters to lead the GOP presidential ticket in 2016.   The poll taken last Friday, showed Zimmerman with 27% of the voters, Texas Governor Rick Perry at 10%, Rick Santorum 8%, Newt Gingrich 7%, Ted Nugent and Michele Bachmann 6%, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, and Colonel Sanders at 5%.  

“George is the perfect choice for Republicans,” said conservative political analyst Clyde Brimstone. “He is the poster child, or man for two of the most important issues for conservatives, stand your ground and taking the country back, one gated community at a time,” Brimstone told Sean Hannity on Fox.  In addition to being popular as a man who knows how to stand up for perceived eroded rights, Brimstone said that Zimmerman could solve the problem of getting the Hispanic vote.  “This very special young man is the epitome of the dream of millions of brown skinned illegals, that if you work hard in America, you can earn the white man’s birthright privilege, especially when it comes to shooting African Americans with impunity.  Besides,” Brimstone concluded, “George will fit right in with the rest of the GOP who are good at coming up with a different set of facts about things.”

When asked if it would be a problem for Zimmerman to run for president in 2016 as he would be only 31 years old, four years shy of the requirement to have reached 35 years of age to be eligible to be president, Brimstone said, “if the current president can come up with a fake birth certificate to qualify for the highest office, I am sure someone as resourceful as George could do the same thing.”

Hancock Sperling, a spokesman for Zimmerman said he was not sure if former neighborhood watch volunteer from Sanford, Florida would throw his hat in the ring, but “if he decides to run for office he will run in the manner that Trayvon Martin should have run home from the store.”

FLORIDA CLARIFIES RULES FOR HUNTING MALE AFRICAN AMERICANS

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – (PTSD News Service) – To avoid further confusion caused in the Treyvon Martin trial, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has issued new regulations regarding hunting male African Americans.

The Hunting Regulations Handbook has been changed with the addition of the following:

1.      1.     Qualifications required for hunting male African Americans:

a.       A hunter does not need any license from the state of Florida, the only qualification is that the hunter cannot be an African American.

b.      The hunter must have hatred, fear or both of male African Americans.

c.       The hunter must have a gun and a permit (see e-z drive through process)

d.      The hunter should disguise himself as a figure of authority such as a security guard, night watchman or neighborhood watch volunteer.  The former requirement of being a police officer is no longer required.

e.       It is recommended that the hunter should stalk his game at night.  If the hunter spots a male African American, he can assume the male African American is acting suspiciously because he must have just broken into a house, stolen fried chicken from a KFC, raped a woman, or played an illegal game of basketball or is about to do one of those things.

f.       Call legitimate law enforcement to report the suspicious male African American so the hunter can have back up if something goes wrong

g.      If law enforcement tell the hunter to stay in his car, that means the hunter is free to get out and stalk the male African American

h.      Due to over four hundred years of male African Americans being skittish (not to be confused with Skittles) due to being hated, hunted, enslaved, disregarded and disenfranchised, he will either run or be combative.

                                                              i.      If he runs, that proves guilt and the hunter is authorized to shoot to kill

                                                            ii.      If he stays and confronts the hunter, the hunter should pick a fight and if and when the male African American tries to defend himself and the hunter feels any of his fear or hatred as described in 1(b), the hunter should shoot the male African American in self defense.  Remember, despite pressure from affirmative action advocates and other anti-Americans, the special right of self defense has not been has not been handed out to the male African Americans like food stamps, so he can’t use that to defend himself if he should injure the hunter.

i.        Make sure the male African American is dead so he cannot confuse law enforcement or a possible jury with a story that differs from the one the hunter may need to use later

2.      2.  If  by some chance a mob of liberals or African Americans with undue pressure force the district attorney to file charges against the hunger:

a.       The hunter will receive hundreds of thousands of dollars in support for a defense fund from fellow non-African American Americans

b.      The hunter will receive celebrity status and become a regular guest on conservative talk shows such as Sean Hannity

c.       The hunter will receive a world-class defense from top-notch attorneys who are looking for national exposure who will change the focus from the hunters actions to the natural criminal tendencies of the dead male African American

d.      The hunter gets to keep his gun

TEXAS PASSES LAW THAT WIVES MUST OBEY THEIR HUSBANDS

by R J Shulman

AUSTIN – (PTSD News Service) – In addition to the tough new abortion law passed under Governor Rick Perry’s special legislative session, Texas lawmakers have approved a first in the nation bill that requires that wives obey their husbands.  The law, taken almost word for word from Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives must submit themselves to their own husbands as they would to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church and He is the savior of the body.  Therefore, as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be the same to their husbands in everything.”

“The liberal anti-Christians may have take God out of the schools,” said bill co-sponsor Edwin Meeker (R-Corpus Christi), “but we have now put Him back in the home.”

The bill, called The Real Defense of Marriage Act, passed easily despite vehement protests by women’s groups and the ACLU, who called the legislation the most unconstitutional law they have seen in years.  The law also will effectively silence female legislators as it borrows heavily from Corinthians 14:34 stating, “Women should remain silent in the legislature.  They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission.

“While other godless states are allowing the abomination of homosexual marriage,” said Representative Wyndam Barth (R-Palestine), “Texas has looked to the Lord to craft a glorious pro-family law that will effectively end marital strife and derail the demon of divorce.”

Similar laws to the Real Defense of Marriage Act are now being introduced in 13 states.