UNION THUG REFS RETURN TO NFL; LEAGUE DOOMED

by R J Shulman

 

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – The replacement referees have been themselves replaced after the NFL Referee Union won a dispute in overtime by dominating the owners in the final moments of the contest.  “The NFL got sacked,” said Ernest Scrimmage, Jr., an attorney for the team owners, “if players on the field acted the way the union thugs did in our meetings, they would have been suspended indefinitely, but thuggery on the part of unions is a play we have seen many times before.”

 

Scrimmage blamed having to capitulate to the union on the media which he said, “swayed the public with unfounded propaganda spread by union lackeys that there were problems with some of the calls made by the replacement refs.   Those cut –rate refs were doing quite well until the liberal media began to lie about them.” 

 

The union refs will return, starting tonight with a new contract with a nice pay increase. “Expect ticket prices to go up and the cost of bobble head figures of favorite players to go through the roof to meet theses excessive union demands,” Scrimmage said.  “Now that these socialist unions got there way,” said Pat Bowlen owner of the Denver Broncos, “expect them to try and carry out their leftist agenda by favoring left-handed quarterbacks, like Vick and Tibow.”

 

The owners said they are not defeated yet and have plans go on the offense.  They will be introducing “right to ref” legislation in states where NFL teams play.  “If someone wants to ref for less pay because of their the love the game or they are desperate to get any job in this bad Obama economy,” said Randy Lerner owner of the Cleveland Brows, “they shouldn’t have to be forced to join the union and have their dues go toward liberal causes.”

ANN ROMNEY IN CLOSE CALL WHEN DRESSAGE HORSE GETS SPOOKED BY CAR ELEVATOR

by R J Shulman

LA JOLLA, California – (PTSD NEWS SERVICE) - Ann Romney narrowly escaped serious injury when Refalca, her prized dressage horse became agitated by the noise of Romney’s car elevator which was accidently set in motion when the horse was walking near the Romney four car garage. “Refalca was so shaken she reared up and almost came down right on top of me,” Ann Romney told KFMB-TV San Diego reporters.

“Now that American public, even the 47% freeloaders that we don’t very much care for should finally understand the everyday person kind of difficulties that Mitt and I face,” Ann said, “which will hopefully have them flocking to Mitt’s support like French peasants to cake.”

Ann noted that the problem occurred when an unidentified Romney employee accidentally hit the car elevator remote instead of the pre-heat the sauna button. “That unfortunate hombre will be fired,” Ann said, “but I will leave that kind of work to Mitt, who gets so much enjoyment out letting employees go. It’s actually like an aphrodisiac to him,” Ann quipped, “but that is all you people need to know about this.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEW VOTER ID LAWS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT NOW IN PLACE IN EVERY STATE

by R J Shulman

 

WASHINGTON  (PTSD News Service)  -  For the past several years, the Republican party has sponsored dozens of voter identification law in all fifty states.  “We want to keep the integrity of the voting processes in this country,” said Karl Rove who has spearheaded the Voter ID campaign. “We must stop the onslaught of Islamic welfare queen’s lesbian Mexican poodles from casting ballots,” Rove said to a group of now totally paranoid independent voters at a rally for Mitt Romney in Toledo, Ohio.  He said that not only will these new laws stop fraudulent voting, but make sure people who vote are mentally qualified to vote.

 

While some of the Voter ID laws have become well known due to court battles, there are laws that are now in place that you may not know about but have added requirements that you must be able to prove before you will be allowed to vote.  Here are some examples:

 

Alabama          All voters must be able to provide documentation that proves that none of their ancestors were runaway slaves

 

Alaska             All voters must bring with them the right front paw of a wolf they have killed

 

Arkansas         All voters must be able to prove they didn’t have the bad sense to vote for a former governor of their own state who lied about sex after he became President

 

Arizona           All voters must show their citizenship papers and that they were responsible for the deportation of at least one Mexican national

 

California        All voters must demonstrate that they can touch their ear with their elbow before they can vote

 

Colorado         Bring documents that prove if you ever had a Rocky Mountain “high” it was from Coors and not from Maryjane

 

Connecticut     Provide the receipts from at least one yacht that you purchased in the last year

 

Delaware         All voters must agree that Corporations are people

 

Florida             All voters over the age of 55 must provide their original birth certificate, copies will not suffice

 

Georgia           Must provide proof that at least one member of your immediate has proudly owned a rebel flag for at least forty continuous years

 

Hawaii             Must be able to prove that your birth certificate is not a forgery from Kenya

 

Idaho               Must provide evidence you live in a compound with at least 20 automatic weapons

 

Illinois             Must prove your were not involved in community organizing or other socialist activities

 

Indiana                        Must be able to answer the question “Hoosier daddy?” with a picture of someone who looked like they could be president, that is before the election of 2008.

 

Iowa                Must prove exactly how ashamed you are that your state was the first non-coastal state to approve gay marriage

 

Kansas             Must prove you have not and will not look behind the curtain to see the real Willard of Oz as in Willard “Mitt” Romney of Oz

 

Kentucky        Must prove you own either a thoroughbred or dressage horse to promote the Kentucky economy

 

Louisiana         Must be able to prove that you still believe that “Brownie” did a heck of a job regarding Hurricane Katrina

 

Maine              Prove that you believe that the greatest contribution made by your state was to provide land for the Bush’s hideaway in Kennebunkport

 

Maryland         Must prove that a relative wanted to bring the “colored only” signs for bathrooms and drinking fountains up from Virginia to your state because “it was the right thing to do”

 

Massachusetts Must prove that you are in favor of another Boston Tea Party only that it will be arugula and people with foreign names like Barak that will be thrown into the harbor

 

Michigan         Cannot vote if you were one of the people who believed they were a victim and benefited from the Government handouts to the auto industry

 

Minnesota       You must be able to prove that you believe it’s not Michelle Bachmann but everyone else who is bat shit crazy

 

Mississippi       Must prove, despite what you look like, that you never had a relative who could have opposed the great cause of the South in the War of Northern Aggression from 1861-1865

 

Missouri          The “Show Me” state now requires you to show a history of who you voted for in the past twenty years to be able to qualify to vote and that the local registrar will decided if you passed the test

 

Montana          Prove that not only do you live in compound loaded with weapons, but that you have more dogs than IQ

 

Nebraska         Must prove that your PETA card is really from the organization “People Eating Tasty Animals” and not the bunch of terrorist who stole the name

 

Nevada            Show that you believe “What is owned by the 1% stays with the 1%”

 

New Hampshire  Must be able to prove with documentation that you had a relative that came over on the Mayflower

 

New Jersey      You wanna vote?  Forgettaboutit

 

New Mexico   Any state which has the name Mexico in it cannot really be part of the USA

 

New York       You must provide ID papers that show that you have a legitimate job that allows you to legally “occupy Wall Street”

 

North Carolina Prove that you lament the fact that your state is forced to have the word “North” in its title

 

North Dakota  There are too many people who live in this state, so the votes cannot be counted

 

Ohio                Must be able to prove that your last vote in the 2004 presidential election was actually counted and actually showed up for the candidate that you voted for

 

Oklahoma        No ID needed as this was the only state that did not have at least one county that went for Obama in 2008

 

Oregon                        Show you don’t reside in the People’s Republic of Portland

 

Pennsylvania   To vote, you must prove that you not only do you own guns and bibles, but that you cling to them in an obviously and extremely bitter manner

 

Rhode Island  Are you kidding?  Most voters in the rest of the country have crapped bigger than this state.

 

South Carolina Declare in front of witnesses that if Obama is elected president, that your state should succeed from the Union again

 

South Dakota Must be able to prove that you believe Mount Rushmore should have Rush Limbaugh on it as the whole monument was surely named after him, wasn’t it?

 

Tennessee        Support the state’s country music industry by pledging your undying support to ignorance and drinking beer in the back of a pick-up

 

Texas               Everyone gets to vote unless they live in Austin or used to live in New Orleans before Katrina hit.

 

Utah                No Voter ID required.  Every man and his wives gets to vote

 

Vermont          No one votes.  They are too close to Canada and all of the maple syrupy French up there who hate America

 

Virginia           Must prove that you believe Richmond was the best capital your country ever had

 

Washington     Everyone can vote, as long as they  live East of Seattle

 

West Virginia  Must prove you have more cousins than teeth to be able to vote – wait how is that a restriction?

 

Wisconsin        Can vote, unless you once belonged to a union

 

Wyoming        Must show your signed oath that you would not disclose the secret location of any of Dick Cheney’s bunkers even if you were water boarded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GROWING FACTION IN GOP BELIEVES LIFE BEGINS AT EJACULATION AND NOT CONCEPTION

by R J Shulman

 

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Getting their inspiration from the Bible story of Onan in Genesis 38:9-10, a group of activists within the Republican party believe that life begins at ejaculation, and not conception because when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than impregnate his late brother’s wife Tamar he was killed by God.  “God was so angry, He slew Onan right away for what he did.  That should be a lesson for all of us,” said Katherine Krueger, leader of the Onanites, a religious group she founded in Worthington, Ohio last year.  

 

Speaking for a group, called the First Masters of their Domain Church of Christ or the Masters as they have become known, Reverend Olivia Handwerger said, “the ultimate believer in pro-life is God and when he went out of his way to slay Onan for wasting life, we as the Masters can do no less than protect the most vulnerable of all life, the ejaculates.”

 

Handwerger and her Bethesda, Maryland Church and Krueger’s Onanites are not alone as they have been joined by dozens of new Masters congregations popping up all across the country who are calling for laws to protect sperm.  “Spilling is killing,” said Revered Tracy Newport of the First Masters of Birmingham, Michigan, “and those responsible should be made to suffer the consequences that God has ordained for such callous destruction of life.”

 

There is a universal religious basis to the Onanite/Masters’ beliefs,” said Jasmine Fischer, a professor of Religious History at Yale, “in both Judaism and Islam, it is forbidden to ‘slam the ham,’ while ancient Sanskrit writings teach it is improper to ‘pulhama pudhamanda’ or in English, ‘pull the pud.  Even in most remote parts of central Africa, tribal taboos exist regarding the corporal punishment of primates, better known in the vernacular as “spanking the monkey.”

 

The Masters are preparing laws on the state and federal level that not only define life at ejaculation, but will make male masturbation a crime with punishments ranging from life in prison to the death penalty. “It will not only be the wayward man who will suffer the wrath of God, but it will apply to anyone who gave him a hand, so to speak in his despicable crime,” said Deborah May, an attorney for the Society Preventing Erratic Renegade Males or SPERM, the legal arm of the Masters.

 

Not surprising there has been an outcry from men’s groups who believe that anti-masturbation laws are an unacceptable intrusion of government into their private reproductive rights.  “What I do with little Winston should not be decided by some religious fanatics in government,” said Winston Freeman, host of Testerone Now, a national liberal talk radio program aimed at men’s rights.  “This is clearly part of the Republican Party’s continuing War on Men,” he said after noting that the Masters groups are made up mostly of women who are not qualified to speak about men’s bodies. 

 

Other men across the country are equally upset over the Masters agenda. “Geez, I know if I get caught for whacking some guy, I could get the big needle from the state” said Anthony “Fat Tony” Langella of Bayonne, New Jersey, “but do I gotta now start worrying about lights out for just whacking off?”  “I want government hands off my penis,” said Blake Stanly, of Henderson, Nevada who said he is cancelling his membership in the GOP and will switch to the Democrats.

 

Political pundit William Spitfire said, “traditional hands-on Republicans are losing ground to the rapidly increasing power of the Onanists who seem fixated on their one issue that life begins at ejaculation.  In fact,” Spitfire said, “if the regular Republicans can’t beat off the onslaught of the Masters, they will lose control of the party.”  Randall Cummings of the Washington based Conservative think tank, the Sterling Institute, admitted that “the ejaculation problem within the party has become a big sticky mess for the GOP.”

 

Republican Senatorial Candidate Todd Akin of Missouri said that men should stop worrying about anti-masturbation laws. “If it is legitimate masturbation,” he said, “the male body has a way of shutting the whole thing down.”  The President took a moment from campaigning in Haverford, Pennsylvania by saying that he disagreed with Akin, because “jerking-off is jerking-off.”

 

“The Masters are just anti-business,” said Zhao Xeuming, owner of the Devine Release Oriental Nail and Massage Haven, a national business chain based in San Francisco. “If these anti-masturbation laws are passed, my business will certainly peter out.”

 

The Onanists and Masters will be fielding a full slate of candidates to challenge traditional Republicans in the next election.  When asked if it would change the face of Washington if Masters are swept into office, Seymour Valdez, Senior Political Analyst of the Washington Post said, “Even should the Masters win in all of their elections it would not be noticed within the Beltway because there are just so many Jack-offs here already.”  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RYAN CALLS FOR REMOVAL OF LABOR DAY AS WORK-FREE HOLIDAY

by R J Shulman

DAYTON, Ohio – (PTSD News Service) – Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan said that having a holiday called Labor Day defeats the whole purpose of the work experience when no one is actually providing labor on that day.  “If you are going to have a national celebration regarding work, shouldn’t that be a day where people work?”  

Ryan said that giving workers the “entitlement of a day off” sends the wrong message when it comes to work.   “How is the American worker going to compete with Asia, India, Singapore and Bangladesh where workers are happy to work 24/7.  It’s no wonder our jobs are going to those countries.  On Labor day, everyone should be required to work an extra shift.” 

Ryan blamed labor unions and lazy workers for the economic crises in America.  “A vote for Obama is a vote for entitlement, laziness, welfare queens, and Americans who would rather steal watermelons rather than put in a full day’s work.”  Ryan said he expects the Democrats to sink to their usual mudslinging by attacking him with the race card.