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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON  (PTSD News Service)  -  For the past several years, the Republican party has sponsored dozens of voter identification law in all fifty states.  “We want to keep the integrity of the voting processes in this country,” said Karl Rove who has spearheaded the Voter ID campaign. “We must stop the onslaught of Islamic welfare queen’s lesbian Mexican poodles from casting ballots,” Rove said to a group of now totally paranoid independent voters at a rally for Mitt Romney in Toledo, Ohio.  He said that not only will these new laws stop fraudulent voting, but make sure people who vote are mentally qualified to vote.

While some of the Voter ID laws have become well known due to court battles, there are laws that are now in place that you may not know about but have added requirements that you must be able to prove before you will be allowed to vote.  Here are some examples:

Alabama          All voters must be able to provide documentation that proves that none of their ancestors were runaway slaves

Alaska             All voters must bring with them the right front paw of a wolf they have killed

Arkansas         All voters must be able to prove they didn’t have the bad sense to vote for a former governor of their own state who lied about sex after he became President

Arizona           All voters must show their citizenship papers and that they were responsible for the deportation of at least one Mexican national

California        All voters must demonstrate that they can touch their ear with their elbow before they can vote

Colorado         Bring documents that prove if you ever had a Rocky Mountain “high” it was from Coors and not from Maryjane

Connecticut     Provide the receipts from at least one yacht that you purchased in the last year

Delaware         All voters must agree that Corporations are people

Florida             All voters over the age of 55 must provide their original birth certificate, copies will not suffice

Georgia           Must provide proof that at least one member of your immediate has proudly owned a rebel flag for at least forty continuous years

Hawaii             Must be able to prove that your birth certificate is not a forgery from Kenya

Idaho               Must provide evidence you live in a compound with at least 20 automatic weapons

Illinois             Must prove your were not involved in community organizing or other socialist activities

Indiana                        Must be able to answer the question “Hoosier daddy?” with a picture of someone who looked like they could be president, that is before the election of 2008.

Iowa                Must prove exactly how ashamed you are that your state was the first non-coastal state to approve gay marriage

Kansas             Must prove you have not and will not look behind the curtain to see the real Willard of Oz as in Willard “Mitt” Romney of Oz

Kentucky        Must prove you own either a thoroughbred or dressage horse to promote the Kentucky economy

Louisiana         Must be able to prove that you still believe that “Brownie” did a heck of a job regarding Hurricane Katrina

Maine              Prove that you believe that the greatest contribution made by your state was to provide land for the Bush’s hideaway in Kennebunkport

Maryland         Must prove that a relative wanted to bring the “colored only” signs for bathrooms and drinking fountains up from Virginia to your state because “it was the right thing to do”

Massachusetts Must prove that you are in favor of another Boston Tea Party only that it will be arugula and people with foreign names like Barak that will be thrown into the harbor

Michigan         Cannot vote if you were one of the people who believed they were a victim and benefited from the Government handouts to the auto industry

Minnesota       You must be able to prove that you believe it’s not Michelle Bachmann but everyone else who is bat shit crazy

Mississippi       Must prove, despite what you look like, that you never had a relative who could have opposed the great cause of the South in the War of Northern Aggression from 1861-1865

Missouri          The “Show Me” state now requires you to show a history of who you voted for in the past twenty years to be able to qualify to vote and that the local registrar will decided if you passed the test

Montana          Prove that not only do you live in compound loaded with weapons, but that you have more dogs than IQ

Nebraska         Must prove that your PETA card is really from the organization “People Eating Tasty Animals” and not the bunch of terrorist who stole the name

Nevada            Show that you believe “What is owned by the 1% stays with the 1%”

New Hampshire  Must be able to prove with documentation that you had a relative that came over on the Mayflower

New Jersey      You wanna vote?  Forgettaboutit

New Mexico   Any state which has the name Mexico in it cannot really be part of the USA

New York       You must provide ID papers that show that you have a legitimate job that allows you to legally “occupy Wall Street”

North Carolina Prove that you lament the fact that your state is forced to have the word “North” in its title

North Dakota  There are too many people who live in this state, so the votes cannot be counted

Ohio                Must be able to prove that your last vote in the 2004 presidential election was actually counted and actually showed up for the candidate that you voted for

Oklahoma        No ID needed as this was the only state that did not have at least one county that went for Obama in 2008

Oregon                        Show you don’t reside in the People’s Republic of Portland

Pennsylvania   To vote, you must prove that you not only do you own guns and bibles, but that you cling to them in an obviously and extremely bitter manner

Rhode Island  Are you kidding?  Most voters in the rest of the country have crapped bigger than this state.

South Carolina Declare in front of witnesses that if Obama is elected president, that your state should succeed from the Union again

South Dakota Must be able to prove that you believe Mount Rushmore should have Rush Limbaugh on it as the whole monument was surely named after him, wasn’t it?

Tennessee        Support the state’s country music industry by pledging your undying support to ignorance and drinking beer in the back of a pick-up

Texas               Everyone gets to vote unless they live in Austin or used to live in New Orleans before Katrina hit.

Utah                No Voter ID required.  Every man and his wives gets to vote

Vermont          No one votes.  They are too close to Canada and all of the maple syrupy French up there who hate America

Virginia           Must prove that you believe Richmond was the best capital your country ever had

Washington     Everyone can vote, as long as they  live East of Seattle

West Virginia  Must prove you have more cousins than teeth to be able to vote – wait how is that a restriction?

Wisconsin        Can vote, unless you once belonged to a union

Wyoming        Must show your signed oath that you would not disclose the secret location of any of Dick Cheney’s bunkers even if you were water boarded.


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