BAIN GROUP BUYS USA, NAMES ROMNEY PRESIDENT, ANNOUNCES DEEP CUTS

by R J Shulman

BOSTON – (PTSD News Service) - Bain Capital announced today that its newly formed venture   capital group, Sore Losers Untied Takeover or SLUT, has gained control of the United States in a hostile takeover.  SLUT, made up of Bain, Koch Industries, Citigroup and Goldman Sachs were able to purchase America due to its massive debt and inability of upper management to get anything done. 

“We plan to pay off the  debt with Social Security and the money saved by ending Medicare, the Departments of Education, Health, Education and well, well everything else except the Department of Defense which will be strengthened,” said newly appointed Vice President, Paul Ryan.  Romney dismissed President Barak Obama and his entire staff with letters that were issued early this morning.  “There was so much pink around the White House you would have thought it was a breast cancer  survivor convention,” Romney quipped, “but in this case no one survived.”

“We cannot have an organization going in two different directions,” said Lloyd Blankfein, Chairman of Goldman Sachs and new Treasury Secretary, “so we have let go of all Democrats, independents, and lost moderate Republicans.”  “Mitt’s a hit already,” said Citigroup Chairman Michael O’Neil, who will be Romney’s chief economic advisor, “with all of the remaining restrictive Communist banking regulations soon to be removed, banks will become the goldmines that God intended them to be.”

David Koch, the new Secretary of the Interior said that he was delighted that all of the changes he has been fighting valiantly for will soon come to fruition. “Now that the socialist criminal restrictions on hydraulic fracturing have been removed, there will be so much frickin’ fracking that Al Franken will fracture into a million frickin’ Franken fragments,” Koch said.

We will run the good ol’ USA like a business,” Romney said, “and if  it fails we promise no more taxpayer bailouts.  Instead, we’ll sell it for scrap to the Chinese.  And don’t nobody ask me to show what taxes I’ll be paying on that deal,” Romney chuckled.