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The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, September 15, 2012


by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Getting their inspiration from the Bible story of Onan in Genesis 38:9-10, a group of activists within the Republican party believe that life begins at ejaculation, and not conception because when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than impregnate his late brother’s wife Tamar he was killed by God.  “God was so angry, He slew Onan right away for what he did.  That should be a lesson for all of us,” said Katherine Krueger, leader of the Onanites, a religious group she founded in Worthington, Ohio last year.  

Speaking for a group, called the First Masters of their Domain Church of Christ or the Masters as they have become known, Reverend Olivia Handwerger said, “the ultimate believer in pro-life is God and when he went out of his way to slay Onan for wasting life, we as the Masters can do no less than protect the most vulnerable of all life, the ejaculates.”

Handwerger and her Bethesda, Maryland Church and Krueger’s Onanites are not alone as they have been joined by dozens of new Masters congregations popping up all across the country who are calling for laws to protect sperm.  “Spilling is killing,” said Revered Tracy Newport of the First Masters of Birmingham, Michigan, “and those responsible should be made to suffer the consequences that God has ordained for such callous destruction of life.”

There is a universal religious basis to the Onanite/Masters’ beliefs,” said Jasmine Fischer, a professor of Religious History at Yale, “in both Judaism and Islam, it is forbidden to ‘slam the ham,’ while ancient Sanskrit writings teach it is improper to ‘pulhama pudhamanda’ or in English, ‘pull the pud.  Even in most remote parts of central Africa, tribal taboos exist regarding the corporal punishment of primates, better known in the vernacular as “spanking the monkey.”

The Masters are preparing laws on the state and federal level that not only define life at ejaculation, but will make male masturbation a crime with punishments ranging from life in prison to the death penalty. “It will not only be the wayward man who will suffer the wrath of God, but it will apply to anyone who gave him a hand, so to speak in his despicable crime,” said Deborah May, an attorney for the Society Preventing Erratic Renegade Males or SPERM, the legal arm of the Masters.

Not surprising there has been an outcry from men’s groups who believe that anti-masturbation laws are an unacceptable intrusion of government into their private reproductive rights.  “What I do with little Winston should not be decided by some religious fanatics in government,” said Winston Freeman, host of Testerone Now, a national liberal talk radio program aimed at men’s rights.  “This is clearly part of the Republican Party’s continuing War on Men,” he said after noting that the Masters groups are made up mostly of women who are not qualified to speak about men’s bodies. 

Other men across the country are equally upset over the Masters agenda. “Geez, I know if I get caught for whacking some guy, I could get the big needle from the state” said Anthony “Fat Tony” Langella of Bayonne, New Jersey, “but do I gotta now start worrying about lights out for just whacking off?”  “I want government hands off my penis,” said Blake Stanly, of Henderson, Nevada who said he is cancelling his membership in the GOP and will switch to the Democrats.

Political pundit William Spitfire said, “traditional hands-on Republicans are losing ground to the rapidly increasing power of the Onanists who seem fixated on their one issue that life begins at ejaculation.  In fact,” Spitfire said, “if the regular Republicans can’t beat off the onslaught of the Masters, they will lose control of the party.”  Randall Cummings of the Washington based Conservative think tank, the Sterling Institute, admitted that “the ejaculation problem within the party has become a big sticky mess for the GOP.”

Republican Senatorial Candidate Todd Akin of Missouri said that men should stop worrying about anti-masturbation laws. “If it is legitimate masturbation,” he said, “the male body has a way of shutting the whole thing down.”  The President took a moment from campaigning in Haverford, Pennsylvania by saying that he disagreed with Akin, because “jerking-off is jerking-off.”

“The Masters are just anti-business,” said Zhao Xeuming, owner of the Devine Release Oriental Nail and Massage Haven, a national business chain based in San Francisco. “If these anti-masturbation laws are passed, my business will certainly peter out.”

The Onanists and Masters will be fielding a full slate of candidates to challenge traditional Republicans in the next election.  When asked if it would change the face of Washington if Masters are swept into office, Seymour Valdez, Senior Political Analyst of the Washington Post said, “Even should the Masters win in all of their elections it would not be noticed within the Beltway because there are just so many Jack-offs here already.”  


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