GOP TO TRY LEMON PLEDGE ON AMERICA

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD) - When faced with lemons, some people set about the task of making lemonade, others like the GOP look for more lemons. Fresh from repeating their favorite mantra, "nobama" like they are in the death throes of some mysterious fatal form of OCD, the Republicans, realizing if they take power they might have to say "yes" to something, have said yes to "taking America back" ( a wonderful double meaning code word - on one hand meaning taking the country back from a black man who in a sweaty modern conservative's mad nightmare, snuck in the front and not the back door of the White House - and on the other, signifying their desire to take America backwards, to the wonderous time of white Christian male birthrights - the orginal group of "birthers").

With dreams of their 1994 bloodless coup dancing in their perscription drug-addled heads, it is quite fitting their Amended Contract with America is named after a chemical riddled cleaning product - Pledge. They will use this Pledge to clean up the mess of massive government deficits, unwinnable undefinable wars, unprecidented unemployment and an economy that is about as solid and stable as a mattress balancing on a bottle of wine, all masterfully masterminded by President Obama in just a little over a year and a half in office while at the same time he was palling around and encouraging Muslims to weave prayer rugs from the death shrouds of our 9-11 dead, planting false birth certificates in Hawaii, setting up death panels and trying to turn the military into a giant bath house.

Here is how they promise to use their Lemon Pledge to make America smelling and looking fresh:

1) They will wipe and wipe away at America until it is too small to bother with things like regulations so we can get back to the unfettered pursuit of the three G's, Greed, Graft, and Gluttony.

2) Shine up the laws that allow for the continued legal tax evasion of the ultra rich who use this added wealth to create jobs - unfortunately the GOP doesn't let on that these jobs tend to be maids, gardeners, pool boys, nannies and other positions for undocumented workers

3) Remove the stain of overpaid workers and and further de-fang communisitic unions who want to force global employers from using the globe to find the most econically advantageous work force

4) Put a private sheen on all things public by privatizing social security, medicare and anything else where massive sums of money would be much better protected by falling into the hands of the very Wall Street wizards and Banksters who just finished their successful blackmail scheme of emptying the people's treasury, or esle they would blow up the entire world's economy.

5) Wipe away the public relations stink of whiners talking about toxic oil spills, dead miners, toxic water, befouled air, global warming or zombies forced to eat frankenfoods, by calling those squealers who bring up these concerns as "environ-Nazis."

So Republicans have begun in earnest to solicit supporters to help them point the nozzle of their giant vat of lemon pledge on an America still reeling from the last blast of this toxic material we have been wallowing in since Ronald Reagan convinced us our enemy was the federal government, helping others, a decent wage and yes, us. You can count on Republicans using their usual advertizing scheme to get votes by claiming thier Pledge is mighty enough to wipe out gays, illegal immigrants, Muslims, welfare mothers of the Negro persuasion, abortionists and sick minded liberals while causing only a litle bit of necessaryt collateral damage. They fail to mention, of course, that the collateral damage is the entire middle class.

As they say, its a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.

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ANTI-OBAMA KIDS GET SCHOOL CHOICE ON PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

by R J Shulman

TALLAHASSEE, Florida - (PTSD News) - Gord Massey, Superintendent of the Tallahassee South School District announced this year he isn't going to ban President Obama's speech to school children from his classrooms. "Rather than be a lightning rod for the hate of the liberal media," Massey said, "this year we are offering a school choice - the black kids can watch their president and the white kids get to hear from theirs, the last one being George W. Bush."

Massey said, "It's was not my place to criticize Barack Obama just because he is misleading those kids into thinking toughing it out in school will get them any more money or status in life than if they just quit school to take more traditional jobs such as train porters, cotton pickers or guys who will do a little soft shoe for you if you threw him enough coins." Massey said the white kids would get a smogasbord of old Bush speeches, "including one of hope President Bush gave for the residents of New Orleans after Katrina drowned half the town, and a speech of praising those that have achieved success against all odds in his "and Brownie is doing a heck of a job speech, along with Bush's now famous mission accomplished speech."

Massey is not alone in his beliefs there needs to be balance whenever a president tries to talk to kids. "Those hypocritical Democratic Socialiast Nazis say they want the fairness doctrine back to force conservative talk shows to spout liberal trash, but when you suggest that students have the right to hear both sides when there is a liberal preisdent, they are stunningly silent," said Wanda Wildenoort, an assistant school principal in Valdosta, Georgia. Wildenoort said she is happy to replay Bush speeces because "it is important for children to see a man who knew how to stick to his guns, even when the guns were pointed at his own feet."

The Bush speech choice will be offered in about 23% of all schools across the country in Fall 20004.

GOP CRITICIZES OBAMA FOR NOT GIVING BUSH CREDIT FOR GETTING US TO 9/12 MENTALITY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Following up on his theme that President Obama willfully overlooked the importance of former President Bush's troop surge as the reason for the end to the Iraqi war, House Minority Leader John Boehner complained that Obama's 9-11 speech about never forgetting the sacrifice of American lives lost on 9-11, forgot the most important hero of that day, George W. Bush who in Boehner's words, "prepared Americans for a post 9-11 world."

"While the current occupant of the White House pals around with fellow Muslim terrorists in support of an ill conceived Ground Zero Victory Mosque," Boehner said, "he deliberately failed to mention how President Bush's swift bullhorned response to the attack led to the overthrow of tyrant Saddam Hussein in Iraq, the confidence of Americans to keep on shopping, and the implimentation of the all important color coded terror alert system."

Representative Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) called for a special prosecutor to investigate "Obamnesia" where the president seems to have conveniently forgotten to be grateful to the very people that made it possible for him to occupy the White House. "It is a national disgrace that Obama has not made one positive mention of how Strom Thurmond's 1948 run for the presidency on the segregationist States' Rights ticket got Negroes so angry that they came out in droves in 2008 to vote him intio office.," Bachmann said.

"In addition, it is shocking he did not mention the contributions of Orval Faubus, who as governor of Arkansas in 1957 tried to block with dogs and water hoses nine Negroes from entering Central High in Little Rock. "Without Governor Faubus standing up for what he beleived was right, African Americans would not have had the courage to stand up for what they thought they were entitled to," Bachmann said.

Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich said, "Unlike Obama, Americans will not forget their history and will repeat 1994 by returning Republicans to control of Congress so we can fininsh the work of making sure tax dollars go to the most deserving Americans, the greedy and are not wasted on the least deserving, the needy."

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TERRY JONES' COMPROMISE: I'LL BURN MOSQUE INSTEAD OF KORAN

by R J Shulman

GAINSVILLE, Florida - (PTSD News) - Formerly obscure pastor Terry Jones of the previously unknown Dove World Outreach Center Church announced that due to a last minute compromise, he won't be forced to burn, "that stack of A-rab K-rans." Jones said, "Those books will be spared because instead we will get to burn down the Ground Zero Mosque as soon as it is built. The reason we gave up our God given Constitutional right to burn those blasphemous books is because we haven't had a good house of worship burning in this country since it became PC to not to burn down black churches."

"I am in favor of the mosque burning," said former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, "and I think its our patriotic duty to do so, that is, unless and until Americans are allowed to build a Christian church in Mecca, and not in a crappy part of Mecca either." "This is a positive step in the right direction," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "except I don't see why we shouldn't just torch the books and the mosque."

Hopefully, this will put an end to this media feeding frenzy about this so-called reverend's plan to burn books he thinks got the God thing wrong," said Werner Wilberforce, a media analyst, "and mercifully stop any further attention paid to Terry Jones, the least deserving person to be thrust into the spotlight since Sarah Palin.

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KEEP TAXES LOW FOR WEALTHY RALLY CANCELLED

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - A planned rally in support of extending the Bush tax cuts for the super rich fizzled out today when organizers were unable to find even one American who got a job created by these big tax breaks. "We expeted at least as many for our event as came for Glenn Beck's God and Honor shindig," said rally organizer and former Exxon CEO Lee Raymond, "but all those people who we know found employment due to the top eraners getting billions in tax cuts just never seemed to materialize."

Reynolds mentioned they did locate Fred Gregg, a 37 year-old boat salesman from Marina del Rey, California who was hired by Excelsior Yachts of Hermosa Beach to handle the big boat buying surge when the Bush tax breaks first took place. "However, Gregg has since been laid off ever since the top 1% of American earners finally gorged themselves on new yachts," Raymond said.

The group that is supporting the extension of the tax cuts to the richest Americans, called the Protect Upper Tax Zealots or PUTZ, said they will not give up pushing for these generous tax breaks for the wealthy to continue. "With the use of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal and the entire Republican party," Raymond said, "we will make sure the American people know these tax cuts are the best way for Amrica to fight radical Islam, to help prevent illegal Mexican thugs from coming across the border to behead American ranchers, as well as protecting the right to own guns as well as make sure there is proper protection for the Baby Jesus from a foreign born Muslim in the White House who wants to shove communist health care down your throats."

Raymons said PUTZ will be announcing a date for the new rally. "Ther is nothing more American that basball, motherhood, apple pie and CEO bonuses.

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GOP VOWS TO STOP CREEPING SOCIALISM BY BANNING PAY TOILETS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - Energized by polls which indicate they will gain enough seats in the House and the Senate to take over Congress, Republicans have announced a sweeping plan to "keep America America." "We must protect this great country from the scourge of socialism which threatens the very fabric of our way of life," said former House Majority Leader Newt Gingrich, "and that means privitizing everything from public education to public toilets."

Gingrich, who has been quite vocal in his opposition to public toilets said,"it's about time these freeloaders stop dumping on the American taxpayer." Sharron Angle, who is running for the Senate in Nevada said, "not only must we close public schools, but we should eliminate public libraries which have become terrorist internet training grounds." "Social Security as well as social justice should be privitized, so help me God," said Glenn Beck who has also called for the privitization of the military. "That way," Beck said, "a private will really be a private."

House Minority Leader John Boehner said all government programs and functions should be privatized, "except my job, my benefits and my health insurance, of course." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reminded his fellow Republicans that one area that should be kept socialized is helping corporations who are too big to fail. "The American people know how heartless the Democrats are to unfortnate CEO's who have gone one or maybe two quarters without a bonus and these voters will punish the Democrats this November.

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