BOLTON TO PLAY GANDHI IN NEW MOVIE

by R. J. Shulman

HOLLYWOOD – Lyin’ Gate Productions, who were responsible for The Path to 911 has announced today that United States U.N. Ambassador John Bolton has been tapped for the lead roll in a new movie about Gandhi. “With all my ass kickin’ experience at the UN,” said Bolton at a Hollywood press conference, “I am ready to do an ass kickin’ Gandhi.

The movie entitled, Gandhi: The Fast and the Furious and the Furious Fast, focuses on a little known incident in which Gandhi reportedly went on a eating binge right after finishing one of his famous fasts. “I can’t wait to do the scene,” said Bolton, “where I tear into that cow’s flesh.”

The movie is scheduled to start filming next February at a location near Benson, Arizona. “That shouldn’t interfere with my schedule,” said Bolton, “as those wussy Democrats aren’t going to send me back to the UN any time soon.”

When asked by a reporter if he was going to study the life of Gandhi and learn how to meditate, Bolton said, “meditate on this, asswipe,” and smashed the journalist’s camera on the surprised newspaperman’s head. “If Gandhi had only done that,” said Bolton, “he’d be alive today.”

CHENEY GETTING READY FOR HIS NEXT FACE OFF

By R. J. Shulman

CODI, WYOMING – In an exclusive interview on KODI radio, Vice President Dick Cheney told local talk show host Buck Chambers that he was preparing for his next “face off," as the Vice President put it, “to happen any time soon.” “My buddy, Harry Whittington was just practice,” the VP said, “so the next face I aim at will really get blown away.”

“The problem I’m having,” said Cheney, “is that after this election debacle, there are plenty of people to blame. I just can’t decide which face goes first.” During the interview, Cheney was called by President Bush who asked him what to do about the out of control ‘comma’ in Iraq. “First, get your sorry ass to Viet Nam like you should have done in the sixties, and tell them you are going to finish the job that uncle Tricky Dick didn't do,” the Veep told him, “and if you make it back, you and me will go hunting.”

FOX NEWS DECLARES MID-TERM ELECTIONS A SWEEPING SUCCESS FOR CONSERVATIVES

By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – Fox news has just declared the mid-term elections a sweeping success for Conservatives. “While many have concentrated on the success of certain candidates running under the Democrat banner,” pundit Bill O’ Reilly said, “the important thing is that there were no Communists or Islamofaschists elected to any office, all due to the power of the Conservative movement.”

“This all went according to plan,” said Senior Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. He revealed that the Republicans “planted Conservatives into the Democrat party who will show their true colors as soon as they take office.”

“It was the secret plan to win in Iraq,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “the insurgents will think that pullout is imminent, let down their guard and then, pow, bam, shock and awe, the phony Dems will show those sub-humans a thing or two.” The former Secretary let slip that the newly elected Dems will sweep Rumsfeld back into his old job. “I’ll let them beg a little,” Rumsfeld quipped, “like a hot page would before answering one of Mark Foley’s emails. Then I will say ‘yes.’”

“The issue of torture has not died a horrible death,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “The Dems are secretly as sadistic as the Marquis de Sade himself. This will be like squishing the life out of two birds with one stone – you get the torture and the Dems can get blamed.”

“For a un-fabulous second of a minute,” said President George W. Bush, “ I really thought my little Goat was cooked, but then Dick (Cheney) presenticated to me that these Democraters were plants, Conservative ones, like in the Mandarin Candidate, where Frank Sinatra still gets to sing ‘My Way, or the highway’ just like I still can.”

IN WAKE OF REPUBLICAN DEFEAT IN MIDTERM ELECTIONS, BUSH FIRES GOD

By R. J. Shulman

WAHSINGTON - In an announcement from the White House Rose Garden, a subdued President Bush said that he has asked God to resign. “He had been talking to me for years, telling me to invade Iraq as it would be nothing more than a comma in history, that Terry Schaivo was just taking a little nap, and that rich people were in dire need of more money. As you can see, He must of given me bad advice because we Republicans didn’t get enough of the votes coming our way fast enough.” When asked if he was surprised by the election results in which the Democrats have apparently taken control of the House and the Senate, Bush said, “I never saw it coming because I am an optimistically hopeful guy who thinks the best is coming. So when we took a thumpin,’ I started dumping.”

After the Republican defeat at the polls, Bush asked for the resignation of beleaguered Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, yesterday and then today, fired God. “The President will be replacing the Deity, shortly,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow. “He has created a task force, headed up by Vice President Dick Cheney to find a new Spiritual All Powerful one,” Snow added. An unnamed White House source has confirmed that Cheney will be recommending himself for the position of the Almighty.

BUSH BLAMES DIP IN POLLS ON DEAD SOLDIERS
By R. J. Shulman

WASHINGTON – With his popularity ratings at the lowest point in his Presidency and the GOP reeling at the prospect of losing seats in Congress in the coming midterm election, President Bush has blamed the GOP woes on dead soldiers in Iraq. “The have been deliberately getting killed to hurt Republicans,” he said. “It is shameless how they have politicized their deaths to make the American people think that our mission accomplished in Iraq is now negatorily accomplished.”

“We are investigating to see if these soldiers are purposefully walking in front of bullets, and finding roadside bombs to roll over,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “We suspect these dead soldiers are being supported by the Clintons and financed by George Soros and the gay agenda,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

“You will find that every dead soldier is either a Democrat or has one in his family,” said national talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who mimicked a dying soldier on Fox News Sunday by grimacing and falling off his chair. Ann Coulter echoed the sentiment saying that the soldiers are “dying to hurt the Republicans, so they are just dying.” “It is obvious,” said Bill O’Reilly, on his Fox TV show, “that some renegade soldiers are more than happy to die for the Democrats and their liberal allies in Al Qaeda.”

Vice President Dick Cheney said, however, that he is not that concerned about the recent rise in the number of deaths in Iraq as, “I believe, if you will, that the dead soldiers are in their final throes.”
“We have asked the dead soldiers to apologize to the American people for their lack of patriotism,” said Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, “but so far, the dead soldiers have remained silent.”

KERRY APOLOGIZES FOR BOTCHED JOKE
by R. J. Shulman

BOSTON - Senator John Kerry has finally apologized for a joke gone awry in which he said that college students should stay in school and get educated or else they would “end up in Iraq.” This ignited a firestorm of protest in which Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said that Kerry owed an apology to the soldiers serving in Iraq as Kerry’s comments implied that our armed forces in Iraq are uneducated losers whose lives were worth less than cannon fodder.

“I am sorry that I botched the joke," Kerry finally said today in an exclusive interview at WHDH-TV in Boston, “I meant to say that if you don’t stay in school and drift into becoming an uneducated moron, you could end up as the President of the United States and send the troops to Iraq believing that their lives were worth less than cannon fodder.”

“I don’t understand what that falsicated purple-hearter is talking about,” said President Bush, “as I graducated from Andover and Yale, and I, and not him ended up as the decider who decides who gets sent over there because their lives are worth less than cannon fodder.” The President added, “at least I’ve been in Iraq to greet the soldiers whose lives are worth less than cannon fodder, while that cut and runner Kerry hasn’t.”

“Would you rather have a leader,” said Vice President Dick Cheney over a secure telephone line from his bunker, “who insults our troops over there or one who insults them over here.”