GOP TO INTRODUCE BILL TO BAN ARABIC NUMERALS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republicans announced today that they plan to pass legislation that will make it illegal for anyone to use Arabic Numerals in the United States. “Using a number system invented by Arabs is the first step to allowing Sharia law,” said Louie Gohmert, R- Tex.  “They may have invented the zero,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “but I have zero tolerance for them.” “We never liked that number system anyway, because it had a liberal bias,” said Senator Ted Cruz.

While Republicans seemed to be united in their desire to eliminate Arabic Numerals, they have not offered a replacement numeric system. “We will get to that in an undefined number of days,” said Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan.

GOP CANDIDATES DEBATE APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT FOR THOSE SAYING HAPPY HOLIDAYS INSTEAD OF MERRY CHRISTMAS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Republican presidential candidates have weighed in on what they consider one of the most important aspects of the War on Christmas, people who don’t say, “Merry Christmas” when they should.  “Everyone knows the founding fathers made this a Christian country in the First Amendment,” said Rick Santorum, “so anyone saying ‘happy holidays,’ instead of “Merry Christmas,” has violated the Constitution and should serve time.”  “If a person does not say Merry Christmas at the appropriate time of year they should be put on the terrorist watch list so they can’t fly to Pakistan,’ said Jeb Bush, “of course, they can still buy guns as we can’t be so heartless as to take away all their rights.”

“If somebody says something other than ‘Merry Christmas,’ they should be stabbed,” said Ben Carson, “and I know just the person to do it.”  “I don’t know whether non-believers glow at night,” said Ted Cruz, “but I would bomb the hell out of them until we found out.”  “If I some idiot fails to say Merry Christmas,” said Governor Chris Christie, “I’d make sure they’d be stuck in traffic until they did.” 

Marco Rubio backtracked on his position that he would allow a path to citizenship for a person who said ‘happy holidays.’  “If it is clear that they said ‘no’ to Christmas, then we should say ‘no’ to them.”

“I wouldn’t just deal with these anti-Americans at Christmas time,” said Donald Trump, “so I’m inquiring into their anti-Christian beliefs by using persuasive techniques that you will love.  I’ll call it the American Inquisition.” 

HATED PHARMACEUTICAL CEO’S BAIL HIKED FROM $5 MILLION TO $500 BILLION

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a surprise move, US Magistrate Judge Robert Levy radically increased bail for Martin Shkreli who is facing criminal charges that he bilked his former company out of millions.  Shkreli, who made headlines earlier this year for raising an AIDS drug 5000%, complained about the bail increase to Levy who said, “turnaround is fair play.”

The prosecution, who was originally seeking charges that could land Shkreli in jail for 20 years, refiled for charges that if convicted could send the former Turing Pharmaceutical CEO to jail for 100,000 years.

Lawyers for Shkreli refused to comment, except for one tweet which said, “Shkreli is Shkrewed.”

In a related story, n new Quinnipiac University poll shows Shkreli running third in the Republican presidential race at 11%, behind Donald Trump and Ted Cruz even though the embattled CEO has not officially entered the GOP contest. “This is an odd occurrence in an odd campaign,” said Casey Lemon, a senior Washington political analyst, “but considering how mean all the other Republican candidates are, Shkreli’s numbers seem just about right.

NRA SUPPORTS MENTAL PATIENTS’ RIGHTS TO OWN GUNS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The National Rifle Association announced today that they are in support of Second Amendment rights applying to one of America’s most vulnerable groups, the mentally ill. “It’s important that a good mentally ill person with a gun has the ability to protect themselves from a bad mentally ill person with a gun,” said NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre. 

The NRA will support legislation to make it easier for the mentally ill, including the criminally insane to obtain firearms.  LaPierre said that it was especially important to provide recently released mental patients the peace of mind that gun ownership brings because they need to be prepared in the event a mental patient they knew in the nuthouse breaks out and comes gunning for them. 

LaPierre pointed out, “even, crazy homicidal unbalanced Americans have a right to protect themselves from Islamic terrorists."  LaPierre concluded by saying, “everybody knows that mental institutions would be a whole lot safer if they were not gun free zones.”

FOX NEWS: JESUS HAS ALREADY FORGIVEN COLORADO SHOOTER

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK- (PTSD News Service) – Fox News reported they have it on good authority that Jesus has forgiven the man who shot three people to death at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs. “It’s no wonder Jesus forgave him so fast,” said Sean Hannity, “after all, he was simply exercising his Second Amendment right to back up his First Amendment right to speak out against selling baby parts.”

Republican candidates were quick to speak out. Ted Cruz said, “The Son of God understands it was not the shooter’s fault that a few careless bystanders got in the way his Christian bullets.”  “We need to find better ways to train American bystanders to dodge stray bullets,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “and I will make sure we pass appropriate legislation.”

“The tragedy,” said Senator Marco Rubio, “is that the liberal press will try and make Planned Parenthood look like the victim when clearly it is Christianity that is under attack in this country.”  Jeb Bush disagreed, “It’s not so much the false victimization of Planned Parenthood that is the real tragedy, but that gun-grabbing liberals will use this case of careless bystanders to demand restrictive gun control laws.”

“It’s not guns that kill people or white Christian men who use guns to kill people, but abortion clinics who sell baby parts that cause white Christian men to use guns to kill people,” said Rick Santorum.  “I agree it’s not about guns,” said Dr. Ben Carson, “because the guy could have tried to stab those people with a knife.”

Donald Trump weighed in by saying, “I saw millions of Muslims cheering in New Jersey every time Planned Parenthood sold baby parts.” “What’s so outrageous about liberals,” said Mike Huckabee, “is that if Jesus can see his way to forgive the shooter why can’t Hillary, Bernie and that Muslim president of theirs do the same?”  Senator John McCain said that the solution to all of this unnecessary violence is to immediately start bombing Iran.

Fox News concluded with a report that they project that by the end of the evening, Jesus will pardon Jason Van Dyke, the white policeman who shot Laquan McDonald sixteen times.  “After all, where in the bible does it allow a teenager to defy the police while on PCP?” Hannity said.