WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND AT NEW GEORGE W BUSH LIBRARY

by R J Shulman

DALLAS – (PTSD News Service) – As all of the living former presidents and other dignitaries gathered at the campus of Southern Methodist University for the dedication of the Bush Library and Museum, weapons of mass destruction were discovered inside the facility.  “We were just about to let the first group of people into the Bush Oval Office replica, when I heard a yell,” said Robert A. M. Stern, the Yale architect who designed the Bush Library and Museum.  “I was doing my rounds when I saw it – electronic buttons, canisters and all kinds nasty looking things that could only have been weapons of mass destruction under Bush’s desk,” said Harold N. Grimice, a security guard, “it sure as heck filled me with shock and awe.” 

No one is certain how such dangerous weapons, including hi-tech bombs, chemical weapons and other highly classified armaments got into the Bush oval office.  It was certainly not planned,” said Mark Langdale, head of the Bush Foundation. “We can’t have visitors think that a United States president could ever be responsible for causing thousands of innocent people to die, and places destroyed because he used these kinds of weapons willy nilly, like he thought he was some kind of decider or something.”

“I know nothing of what got on my oval desk,” said Bush when he was told of the discovery of the massive weapons in the room that is a replica of his White House office. “I was off doing something of great importication at the time, I was on vacation.  I would not approve of this weaponization put on my museum.  I wanted to make sure that I am known in history as a war monger and not a war president.  I got that upside down, didn’t I?  Wouldn’t be the first time I upside downed something,” Bush quipped.

An ABC/New York Times poll indicates that Americans are split almost 50-50 on whether the weapons should be left in the Bush Library and Museum to commemorate the Iraq and Afghanistan war, or whether they should be taken out of the facility.  “The American public is so divided on this issue,” said Karen Hughes, counsel for Bush when he was in the White House, “that we will have to let the Supreme Court decide on the will of the people.”

PIG HEAVEN FOR THE RIGHT

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico - (PTSD News Service)  - Well it looks like Conservatives and the Right will soon be in pig heaven, now that the Boston bombers are apparently Muslims who may have been radicalized by religious fundamentalists into committing their heinous acts.  The Right Wingers have found their Monica Lewinsky to trot out against President Obama.  Expect the rest of his presidency to be bogged down in endless investigations by the Republican House as to just how bad Obama was, how he was soft on terrorism, why it took so long for him to call it an act of terror, that he really is a Muslim, if not a Muslim apologist, and even whether he was the very person who radicalized the bombers into carrying out their crimes.  This concentration on the “got-ya” game against Obama has another benefit for the House, - it gets the House off the hook to work on things like fixing the economy, putting people back to work, educating our children, protecting us from gun violence, protecting us from, oh, lets say companies and corporations that are unsafe, like the fertilizer plant in West, Texas, that are hazardous neighbors (don’t expect much of an investigation here).  No, instead, the House will be rolling around in the mud, squealing and snorting for the impeachment of the president.  They won’t even care to lean any lessons of how to better avoid future incidents from happening and if and how there may have been any breakdowns, mistakes or poor planning in the procedures in place to stop such terrorist acts from happening.  No, this will all be about blame, blame, blame, the blame game to blame Barack Oblayma.  They will go on and on about how you have to elect Republican to keep us safe.  They will trot out that old chestnut, forgetting that Bush was in office when 9-11 happened.  They will whip up fear.  They will whip up hatred.  They will moan and lament that if only Romney had been elected.  I can just imagine if Romney had been elected.  Lets, face it, Romney would have been too busy counting the extra money he would soon be sending to the Caymans to have changed any anti-terrorism policies if they, in fact did need changing.  So the bombs in Boston will still have gone off.   But you can bet there would be a big difference in the response.  Congress wouldn’t be investigating President Romney.  They would be too busy making plans to invade Iran.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JESUS?

by R J Shulman

SANTA FE, New Mexico – (PTSD News Service) – As I leaf through the pages of the Bible, I have become quite concerned with the reports I have been reading about Jesus.  Here are some of the things that I am bothered with and you should be, too.

First, I am disturbed by hearing that Jesus turned the other cheek when attacked.  A real man would be holding his weapon and standing his ground.  

Next, his actions to help the poor seemed wildly misplaced.  Doesn’t he know that hand-outs to those who have chosen to be poor only encourages them to be lazy and not try and find work?

Next it seems like he has attacked the money changers and thrown them out in the street.  Why did he attack the successful job creators?  Was he jealous of their success?  This is certainly anti-capitalistic behavior at best.

And why was he trying to heal the sick for free?  This is worse than Obamacare.  Instead of creating a society of people becoming dependent upon free benefits, he should tell them all to take responsibility for themselves and buy their own health insurance.

And what about all his talk of peace?  That is the same kind of appeasement that got Neville Chamberlain in trouble when he was dealing with the Nazis.  Everybody knows that you can’t show your enemies weakness by threatening them with peace rather than war.

I also have to take issue with his turning water into wine when he could have just as easily turned water into beer.  Wine is just too French and gay.

And what is with the sandals when he could be wearing manly footwear like cowboy boots?  It brings up the gay issue again.

And why is he hanging out with a hooker when there isn’t even a political convention in town?

And what is up with his brown skin and beard?  Jesus is the son of God and God was made in my image, I mean we are made in God’s image, so why would his son look like a terrorist Arab?

And can you believe that he wants to forgive his enemies when he should be bombing them?  For the love of Christ, how wrong can one man be?

And claiming he is Jewish? Doesn’t he know that those people just want to steal money and Christian babies?  Jesus H. Christ, if Jesus is not a Christian, then for Christ’s sake, who is?

So would somebody please tell me, what the hell is wrong with Jesus?”

VIRGINIA MAN MARRIES HIS GUN

by R J Shulman

BRISTOL, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) - In perhaps a first of its kind ceremony, Cletus Friendly, a 35 year-old unemployed Blackberry salesman married his Remington 870.  Reverend Brocious D. Willis, pastor of the First Church of the Flaming Christ of Bristol, who performed the ceremony, said he found no law that prohibited him from marrying Friendly to his beloved shotgun. 

“Heck, if man can marry another man in some states, why not a gun?” Willis said. “If you think of it, there’s a whole Constitutional amendment that protect gun rights and none that mention gays, so this marriage makes sense to me.”  Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli agreed. “There is no legal prohibition against a man marrying his gun, although this nuptial may have forever altered the definition of a ‘shotgun wedding.’”

Friendly said he met “Old Betsey” as he calls his new wife, at a gun show in Galax, Virginia.  She’s a real straight shooter,” Friendly said, “and she is one rare wife because I get to control when she shoots off her mouth.”  Friendly told friends that he had set his sights to marry her, but it took him a while to pull the trigger.  “I wasn’t sure that I had a real shot with her,” Friendly said, “but as it turns out, her and me, well we are both right on target.”