TRUMP: I WISH ALL THOSE N*GGER LOVERS WOULD STOP CALLING ME A RACIST

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - Donald Trump lashed back at those who have claimed that his actions and comments have been degrading to African Americans. "Don't they know those people will never be satisfied, no matter how many breaks they get," Trump told a group of supporters at a Tea Party rally in Lackawanna, New York, "But did you see the way I got Obama to dance like a cross between Bojangles and Stepin Fetchit over that birth certificate?"

Trump criticzed CBS' Bob Schieffer for calling his actions racist. "Schieffer should stop creating false stories about me trying to whip up racial hatred against the blacks and report the real story of how welfare Cadillac queens have destroyed the national economy." Rush Limbaugh agreed saying 'The liberals who control the media try to paint us conservatives as racist when all we want to do is hold that Magic Negro's feets to the fire."

Flush from his success of forcing President Obama to produce his long form birth certificate, Trump says that next he will ask for a complete accounting of the First Familiy's food expenses. "The American public are sick of all of the false charges that I am prejudiced," Trump said, "and are much more interested in knowing if the Obamas have wasted tax payer's money on too much fried chicken and watermelon,"

RYAN SEACREST PLAYS TRUMP CARD, WILL ANNOUNCE HE'S RUNNING FOR PREZ ON IDOL FINALE

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News Service) - TV host Ryan Seacrest announced that he will announce whether he will throw his hat in the ring for the Republican presidential nomination. "I see how much publicity the Donald got from his non-announcement for the job of the leader of the free world," Seacrest said, "and with Idol kicking Cele.ibrity Apprentice in the shorts in the ratings, certainly my running for the top spot should be in perfect pitch with the American people."

An unnoffical New York Times poll shows that Seacrest has already tied Trump for the lead among Republicans. with former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee a distant third. "Seacrest would make a fresh new face for the GOP," said Republican strategist Baldwin "Baldy" McPaunchley, "and Ryan's experience in shrinking the pool of contestants each week on American Idol could come in handy for him to further shrink the ranks of Americans in the middle class."

Not everyone is happy about Seacrest's plans to enter the primary. "Seacrest is nothing more than a shameless publicity hound," said Sarah Palin in a speech before the Naked Gun Owners of Dallas' national convention, "Why I bet that man doesn't even know what part of the 20th century we fought the War of 1812."

Seacrest said now that President Obama has released his long form Certificate of Live Birth, he will not jump on the "birther" bus, but is contemplating demanding proof from Obama that he is not a radical Muslim with an Anti-American preacher who never used affirmative action to get ahead.

ARIZONA PASSES LAW THAT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MUST PROVE THEY'RE NOT A SAVAGE, MUSLIM, MARXIST OR COMMUNITY ORGANIZER

by R J Shulman

PHOENIX - (PTSD News Service) - The Arizona legislature has just passed a bill along strict party lines that would require proof from any candidate for president that they were not a savage, basketball loving, Marxist, Muslim, married to someone named Michelle or a former community organizer. "We were disappointed that Governor Brewer vetoed the bill we passed that required proof of a US birth certificate for anyone who wants to be on the Arizona presidential ballot," said Hack Beckerwood (R-Kingman), "but we are hopeful she will understand how important this new law will be to preserving the Constitution and in taking our country back."

Critics have said the law is targeted specifically at President Obama to keep him off the 2012 ballot in Arizona, but the charge has been strongly denied by the bill's sponsor Ashton Worthington III (R-Globe). "This bill is simply to protect the integrity of the nation's highest office and would bar any Republican as well as a Democrat who could not prove they were not a savage, basketball loving Marxist, Muslim, married to a Michelle or community organizer."

Alabama, Utah, South Carolina, Texas and Wyoming have similar legislation pending. President Obama said he might be willing to compromise the measure by supporting an amendment that would leave out the community organizer requirement.

GOP: WHINING SENIORS NEED TO START PAYING BACK WHAT THEY'VE TAKEN IN MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) - Hot on the heels of having his budget passed by the House of Representatives, Republican Paul Ryan has introduced a new bill to futher reduce the federal deficit. The legislation, called the Patriotic Shared Sacrifice for Prosperity Act would require anyone who had received benefits through Medicare or Social Security to pay them all back to the US Treasury.

"This bill will finally put an end to the socialist dictates of the Democrat Party which have far too long allowed the out of control gorging at the public troughs by thier partisans," Ryan said, "and it's only fair that those that have unfairly lived off taxpayers pay it all back." The bill exempts payback from anyone who earns more that $250,000 per year and changes the tax code to totally exempt taxes from anyone who has a net worth of over $5 million dollars as well as exempting all CEO bonuses and all inhereted wealth over $50,000 from taxation. This 'done enough already provision,'" explained Ryan, "both stops the Marxist Obamanista attempts to redistribute the wealth from the successful to the lazy and will be an incetive for the poor to make the right choice next time be productive enough to be rich."

Ryan's bill gives Medicare and Social Security recipients six month to pay back the total of what they have received without interest, and after that time, payback will be at a modest interest rate of 29.99%. Republicans say this bill should make America solvent by 2038.

The Patriotic Payer bill provides that anyone who misses a payment will be relocated into "Senior Security Centers" which have been contructed by Koch Industries on a no-bid contract next to the "Teacher and Union Thugs Securtiy Centers"that Koch built earlier on a previous no-bid contract.

"Republicans were swept into office to clean up the deficits and long standing mismanagement of Obama and the Democrat Party," a GOP spokesman said, "and this new bill will give the Amercan people what they truly deserve."