ACLU TO SUE ON BEHALF OF TEA PARTIERS IN SLAVERY CASE
by R J Shulman

WILMINGTON, Delaware - (PTSD News) - The American Civil Liberties Union has filed a class action suit in Federal District Court in Delaware on behalf of various conservative Americans, including Tea Party members against corporations such as UnitedHealthcare and Exxon/Mobil. "When powerful employers, such as these multinational corporations get people to proved services for them without pay, that is exploitation, pure and simple," said David Goldberg, an ACLU lawyer. "They trick these well meaning, conservatives like the Tea Partiers to support the oil companies by having them spread the word there is no global warming, or doing the leg work of the big health insurance companies to block meaningful health care reform without being paid. This is tantamount to slavery, which is illegal the last time I looked," Goldberg said.

"With the control of the media which they own, corporations, who don't want to pay taxes or be sued when they injure people, have through Fox and conservative talk radio shows brainwashed good Americans to stand up for corporate tax breaks and for so-called tort reform which is little more than a free pass for corporations to hurt people with impunity," said Grace Kaplan, a Washington based ACLU attorney.

"When the economy gets this bad, people are frightened and angry, and they are easy prey for slick corporatists with their billions of dollars for public relations," said Kaplan, "so we, the ACLU are here to tell a different story." Their plan may already be working, as former anti-ACLU disparagers are happy about this lawsuit on their behalf. "At first I was suspicious of those lawyers as being Communist Anti-Christians," said Wayne Gebhart, a self professed Tea Party member from Union, New Jersey, "until they convinced me that I' m struggling financially not because of gay illegal Mexican Muslim welfare mother Democrat tax and spend liberals, but because Wall Street and Corporations have lobbied government to get all the breaks at the expense of my family and friends."

"This lawsuit's purpose is not only to recover the wealth that has been systematically stolen from the middle class by these giant corporations over the last thirty years, but will help educate the American middle class to wake up and take back their rightful place as the important force of what makes America such a great economic force and world leader," said Kaplan.

The suit also names Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as defendants. "They are like the old slave drivers," said Carl Williams of the ACLU, "you've got Glenn Beck with his chalk board full of misinformation, telling people which field to work next, with no intention of paying them. This has got to stop. We intend to make it clear that unlike the unfortunate recent decision by the Supreme Court, too big to fail corporations are not people, but monsters."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for comment, but was heard crying and mumbling something about states rights and that Jesus was in favor of slaves because they were mentioned in the bible. "These people are our property as we have worked hard to brainwash them," said Boynton Cartridge III, an executive with Raytheon, "and we intend to fight to the death to preserve our culture and way of life, even if we have to have a civil war over it."

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IN BID FOR GOP SUPPORT, OBAMA RENAMES HEALTH CARE BILL THE JESUS-RONALD REAGAN ACT
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In an all out effort to lure Republican support for his health care reform legislation, President Obama will rename his bill, The Jesus Ronald Reagan Anti-Flag Burning, Pre-Birth Baby Saving, Tax Reduction, Anti-Gay, Creationism, Mexican Deportation, Welfare Ending, Acorn Splitting, Tort Reform, Yes, I Was Born in Kenya Act.

"This is still just a health care reform bill, but we think no Republican can resist voting for it with all that Conservative love in the title," said White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. "If Bush could name his Constitution shredding legislation the Patriot Act, we can certainly do this."

"However, if the Republican knee-jerk-say-no-to-everything-Obama-wants overpowers their enthusiasm to vote for a bill with all their talking points in the title, we will insert a substitute bill so that they will really be saying no to any law now or in the future that will stop a mandated single payer government administered plan," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Not to be outdone, the Republicans finally revealed their own health care plan. "While the big spending Democrat leaders are proposing huge deficit spending for their failed Obama Care plan for death panels and rationing of Communist doctors," said Senate Minority Whip Eric Cantor, "our fiscally responsible plan concentrates on disease prevention and shortened suffering of the sick. That is, our plan will make it clear to the American people that they should do everything not to get sick, but if they are irresponsible enough to get sick, they should die quickly."

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PALIN HAS AMERICA IN THE PALM OF HER HAND
by R J Shulman

NASHVILLE - (PTSD News) - Meet the unstoppable force, Sarah Palin, once an obscure governor of a sparsely populated state, now America's rightie darling, the leading GOP candidate to unseat President Barack Obama, described by Fox News as the worst leader in the history of mankind. Unstoppable, because no matter what controvery swirls around the former beauty queen, she pops back up like the inflatable clown that cannot be knocked over.

Case in point is the latest bruhaha - Palin being caught on camera needing to use her palm as cheat sheet to remember to talk about taxes to a friendly tax hating Tea Party Convention crowd. After the former Alaska governor came under criticism for her underhanded use of crib notes, she shot back saying, "Let those America haters write some stuff on their hands in some terrorist country like South Arabia and see how long it is before their hand gets chopped off."

Many of Palin's supporters have flocked to her defense. "Sarah hit it out of the park when she read off of her hand to blast Obama for cheating with a teleprompter," said Ward Hardscrabble of Mason City, Iowa. "Those liberals lie when they say our Sarah can't ad-lib. She made off the cuff remarks as the writing was not on her shirt cuff, but on her hand," said Patty Goodstone, a Tea Party supporter from Blue Horse, Idaho.

Others have tried to palm-off Palin's "hand" writing as just so much ado about nothing. "Obama may know some fancy facts like the back of his hand, so what's the big deal that Sarah used the front of hers?" asked Randy Roache, and unemployed typewriter salesman from Taylorsville, Illinois. "It's as obvious as the hand in front of my face," said Palin supporter Annie Septic, who started a Tea Party chapter in Fort Wayne, Indiana, "that the reason Sarah wrote on her hand is that was the only way she could keep her plans for America safe from the big government terrorist atheist Muslim communist fascists that Obama has been palling around with."

"We are counting on Sarah Palin to give us a hand in turning the White House white again," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, "How amazing was it that Sarah could write the entire plethora of Republican ideas on the palm of her hand when she wrote the word 'no'."

Still others are not amused by Palmgate. "What worries me more than Sarah Palin's silly slight of hand," said Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla), "is her slight of mind."

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AT CONVENTION, TEA PARTY UNVEILS ITS ONE PLANK PLATFORM: ANGER
by R J Shulman

NASHVILLE - (PTSD News) - The first annual convention of the Tea Party that's underway in Nashville is bringing together a fast growing movement of loosely linked groups that now numbers in the hundreds. "We are angry as hell and we are not going to take it anymore," said Lori Christianson, a Tea Party leader. When asked what the "it" was that she wasn't going to take anymore she said, "I'm not sure."

I was angry that I didn't know what I was angry about," said Joe Bolger of Lockport, New York, "until Rush and Glenn and Sean told me it was Obama I was mad at." "We Americans are tired of all that big government spending and those outrageous bank bailouts," said Clark Tippler, of the Memphis Tea Party, "so naturally, we are directing our anger against gays." "Answer me this," said former President George W. Bush, "so me invading Iraq when Al Qaeda was in Afghanistan doesn't look so stupid, does it now, heh-heh."

"That Karl Marx following fascist Obama made me so enraged by trying to have government socialized medicine that I had two strokes and an ulcer," said Warren Pace of Manitou Springs, Colorado, "thank God for my medicare."

Keynote speaker Sarah Palin will address the convention on Saturday night. "You betcha, I'm gonna take the anger platform to a whole new level," Palin told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "when I blast that know-nothing Katie Couric and her friends in Acorn who stole the election from me."

"I'm here in Nashville to protest that the federal government is taking away my Constitutional freedoms," said Lester Maddox III, of Hephzibah, Georgia. "If I want to nail together two pieces of lumber to symbolize our lord, and see if it is combustible on a certain neighbor's front lawn while seeing if my granddaddy's white sheet's eye holes fit me should be my business and not of some government bureaucrat in Washington."

"We are dead set against the government interfering in our personal lives," said Randall Frisbee who traveled from Codi, Wyoming to Nashville,"when they should be making sure women are stopped from having abortions." "What I want to know is what happened to my freedom to shove my religion down non-believer's throats?," asked Rev. Billy Joe Foote of the First Church of the Flaming Savior of Meridian, Mississippi, "don't I still have the Second Amendment right to do that?"

These tea partiers are going to be a force to recon with," said Carol Pomerantz, of the Stanton Institute of Bethesda, Maryland. "If you think it's contentious in Congress right now, just wait until you see who the Tea Party will send to Washington come November."

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END TO PENTAGON DON'T ASK DON'T TELL TO INCLUDE FRENCH

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - The Pentagon will begin the dismantling of it's controversial "don't ask don't tell" policy according to Defense Secretary Robert Gates. While the policy has been mostly associated with gay and lesbian service members, Gates says the policy will also be lifted for the French.

"Allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military is the right thing to do," said Joint Chief of Staff Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen, "and it should apply to service people who just happen to have a French background."

The "don't ask, don't tell" policy, enacted during the Clinton years did not allow any homosexual or person of French abstraction to serve in the armed forces, but the military could not ask a member their sexual orientation or whether they had an affinity for France. However, once discovered homosexual or French, it meant an immediate discharge. Sources indicate more than 13,550 service members true identities were discovered and were released from service. "I thought with this policy, I was safe to be of French heritage," said Claude La Boeuf, who was discharged from the Marines last June, "but I guess my preference for wine over beer gave me away."

The don't ask don't tell policy has been a lightning rod for politicians of all stripes who have used the issue to drum up support from their base. "Just tell me where in the Bible it says that it is not an abomination to allow a Frenchie to serve in the military," said Senator James Inhofe (R-Okla). "This is truly an outrage," said Senator Roger Wicker (R-Miss), "our military command is so infested with the French that they have surrendered to the gays."

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FOX NEWS FIRES EXEC WHO MADE DECISION TO AIR OBAMA AT GOP RETREAT
by R J Shulman

NEW YORK - (PTSD News) - Fox News Network fired Alec Blount, the executive responsible for airing President Obama's historic appearance at the GOP issues retreat in Baltimore. Obama fielded questions from GOP lawmakers (or law-stoppers as he called them) after pointing out that they were not elected to Washington to have a cage fight with the opposition party.

"I was convinced if we could just trap Obama into a Republican event without his teleprompter we could rip him to shreds in a fair and balanced way, of course," Blount said. "to show the American people Obama was just as hollow as the empty file in Hawaii that should contain his birth certificate but doesn't. But it turned out it was GOP butts that got burned."

Fox News president Roger Ailes announced that Blount was going to leave the network to spend more time with his family. "After it was apparent that the home team was taking a shellacking at the retreat," Ailes said, "we could not continue that anti-American bias if we showed any more of Obama making the Republicans look like childish petulant nay-saying obstructionists whose only goal is to make Obama fail, even if it meant the failure of the country, so I pulled the plug on the broadcast."

Fox did not say they were going to remove Obama from the airwaves entirely as they announced plans for a new reality show entitled Cage Fight for America: American Heroes versus Obama in which the President would be placed in a steel cage facing off simultaneously against Chuck Norris, Hulk Hogan, Mel Gibson as Mad Max and Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer in Fox's hit series 24.

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