Find A Lawyer
Find A Lawyer Counter


The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a 5-4 split decision, the US Supreme Court held that the United States Constitution is no longer valid.  “Times were very different in 1789 when the Constitution was drafted,” said Chief Justice John Roberts who wrote for the majority, “so we are sending it all back to Congress to draft a new Constitution that will reflect a more up to date document that can take into account current legal principals such as corporations being people and money being free speech and for freedom to mean being free from the government from taking this freedom called  money.”

Roberts indicated that until such time as Congress acts on crafting a new Constitution, all power will be left to the States to determine their own laws.   South Carolina has already acted by reinstating slavery. “Now that the War of Northern Aggression, sometimes erroneously referred to as the Civil War has been overturned,” said Lindsey Graham, R- SC, “our great state can once again pursue our goal to make Charleston the slave trade capital of the world.”

Major banks and Wall Street movers and shakers have applauded the Court’s decision.  “It’s about time that the government get out of the business of governing,” said Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a bold ruling, the United States Supreme Court held that key elements of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 were no longer needed, as “times have changed drastically since the ill-conceived 60s and it is now up to Congress to straighten out the mess it caused by not updating its outmoded approach to which states voting laws may need scrutiny,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts. “How could there be any voter discrimination anymore, anyway,” Roberts said, “when a foreign born black man can get elected president just by handing out cell phones and bad mortgages to black voters.”

In an equally controversial proclamation, the high court announced it was strongly suggesting that Congress hire recently ousted Food Network icon Paula Deen to oversee any possible voting rights violations. “Who but a daughter of the South would know more about that part of the country’s history of civility and graciousness and the ways to preserve its rich traditions,” Roberts said, “and besides the lady is out of work and hiring her would cut down on our unemployment problem.”

Deen was ecstatic at the idea of serving in the capacity of protecting voting rights. “I look at this opportunity to make amends for me using the “N” word so ill advisedly.  I have a long record of preserving the wonderful recipes of our colored mammys and bringing them to a whiter, I mean wider audience.  So now I will make sure that no unscrupulous people try and nigger-rig elections…What, you said that Jimmy Dean just pulled his sausage from my sponsorship.  Did I say something wrong?  My stars, first there is a war on Christmas and now it looks like there is a war on Southern Belles.”  

Thursday, June 13, 2013

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Hot on the heels of rouge contractor Edward Snowden revealing the US Government’s secret data gathering on American citizens, another employee of defense contractor, Booz Allen has just announced that he has done the same.   Goober Billy Scrubbs announced that he released sensitive information regarding US Nuclear installations, plans and codes “to let the American people know just what their government was up to,” he said.  “As y’all know, all of this being a hero stuff can be dangerous, so I released the information where the tyrannical American government cannot lock me up, and that would be where I am now, Teheran, Iran.”

When questioned about Scrubbs, Wilma Johnston, a spokesperson for Booz Allen said, “he had only worked for us for about a week , so there was no way we could have known he would do something like this, which is against our company policy, which is posted right there in the lunch room area.”

Scrubbs, a middle school dropout, who claimed he made $30,000 a year (Booz Allen says it was more like $12,000), who the company had granted top security clearance said at his Iranian press conference, “there just ain’t enough whistleblowers who are willing to tell the American people just what their government is hiding from them, and besides my boss at Booz yelled at me a lot and then I found out I was making less than my cousin, Jimmie Lee Beans does, at the Walmart in Hazard, Kentucky, you know, down there on the Daniel Boone Parkway.”

House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Cal), said he is outraged and will convene a House investigation of just why President Obama forced Booz Allen to hire Scrubbs and to find out if this newest leak is related to the scandal in Benghazi, the IRS targeting Tea Party groups or is part of Obama’s birth certificate cover-up.  “If the President and the government just allowed the private sector, in this case Booz Allen to do their job without job killing regulation and oversight, this never would have happened,” Issa said.

In a related story, another major government contractor, Newman-Chardine, said that it had met its first quarter earnings by selling banking and investment account passwords it had extracted from millions of Americans pursuant to a no-bid government contract that was part of US Government activity under the Patriot Act.  “While I can’t say whether selling this information to Mexican drug cartels and certain interests in Nigeria actually broke the law,” said Clawton Frenworth, Newman-Chardine CEO, “I can guarantee you two things - I will be getting my bonus this year, and the worst that can happen to Newman-Chardine is that we could get a $100 fine.”