SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN ENFORCEMENT OF VOTING RIGHTS ACT; TAPS PAULA DEEN TO OVERSEE ELECTION FAIRNESS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a bold ruling, the United States Supreme Court held that key elements of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 were no longer needed, as “times have changed drastically since the ill-conceived 60s and it is now up to Congress to straighten out the mess it caused by not updating its outmoded approach to which states voting laws may need scrutiny,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts. “How could there be any voter discrimination anymore, anyway,” Roberts said, “when a foreign born black man can get elected president just by handing out cell phones and bad mortgages to black voters.”

In an equally controversial proclamation, the high court announced it was strongly suggesting that Congress hire recently ousted Food Network icon Paula Deen to oversee any possible voting rights violations. “Who but a daughter of the South would know more about that part of the country’s history of civility and graciousness and the ways to preserve its rich traditions,” Roberts said, “and besides the lady is out of work and hiring her would cut down on our unemployment problem.”

Deen was ecstatic at the idea of serving in the capacity of protecting voting rights. “I look at this opportunity to make amends for me using the “N” word so ill advisedly.  I have a long record of preserving the wonderful recipes of our colored mammys and bringing them to a whiter, I mean wider audience.  So now I will make sure that no unscrupulous people try and nigger-rig elections…What, you said that Jimmy Dean just pulled his sausage from my sponsorship.  Did I say something wrong?  My stars, first there is a war on Christmas and now it looks like there is a war on Southern Belles.”