ONCE AGAIN PROPOSED GUN SAFETY LAWS SHOT DOWN BY CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) - Democratic lawmakers may have to bite the bullet again and accept the fact that congress will not take aim at laws that allow a person on the terrorist no fly list to buy weapons. “Any straight shooter would have to agree that the NRA has been holding a gun to our head for far too long,” said Representative John Lewis of Georgia who had led a sit-down to protest the inaction of congress to pass gun safety reform, “because every time we try to pull the trigger for any gun regulation, the NRA sends out it’s big guns to fire away at any attempt to help put a silencer on gun violence.”

The NRA had successfully countered Democratic attempts at giving a shot to reforming gun laws by sending out it’s hired guns to put Democratic lawmakers in their cross-hairs and let their bullets fly to stop any gun legislation. “We can’t let some hot shot liberals use the recent shootings in Orlando as ammunition to claim they have the silver bullet to solve violent crime,” said Wayne LaPierre of the NRA, “so we are sticking to our guns, keeping our powder dry and staying loaded for bear to show those gun grabbers just how badly they have missed the bullseye.”

“Once again, we have dodged a bullet by blowing away the gun haters who are so damn trigger happy when they shoot off their mouths with some rapid-fire shotgun approach that supports some half-cocked laws that would strip Americans of their Second Amendment Rights, lock stock and barrel,” said Speaker Paul Ryan, “besides, if America was so gun crazy as these anti-gun  nuts think we are, our language would be riddled with gun metaphors, a belief that is clearly off target, misses the mark and shows not only that they were shooting blanks but the caliber of their misfire.” 

TRUMP PROMISES VOTERS DIPLOMA FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY IF THEY VOTE FOR HIM

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Donald Trump said today that he will personally award a college degree from Trump University to anyone who will vote for him in November.  “By voting for me, a person will have proven they know everything that a Trump University education can give them, which is knowing that to be successful in life, you have to pledge complete allegiance to me” Trump said.  

“What I am offering is certainly better than anything crooked Hillary can offer,” he said, “what is Clinton University going to teach you - how to hide emails and force your husband to seek outside bjs?”

Trump said he will also offer voters a free ticket on Trump Airlines, “which never had a plane go down and I’ll throw in a Trump steak which never made anyone sick, both things that Hillary can’t claim about herself,” Trump said.

Trump shrugged off criticism that his offers amount to vote bribery by saying doesn’t the GOP stand for Gobs of Payoffs?”

BELIEVING CLINTON WILL BE DEM CANDIDATE, RNC GEARS UP WITH CAMPAIGN OF “FACTS THAT WILL F*CK HILLARY”

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON - (PTSD News Service) -  The Republican National Committee held a secret strategy meeting to prepare for the upcoming national presidential election by developing a list of stories they will spread with political ads, on national political TV news shows and through their vast array of conservative radio talk show hosts.  “Donald Trump may love the low information voter,” said Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman, “but who we love more is the wrong information voter.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained a copy of the top ten items from the “Phony Facts that will F*ck Hillary” list which are as follows:

She’s a man, baby.  Hillary is really Hilliard Rodham who changed genders to be able to go in the little girl’s room when your helpless little daughter is in there.

2.      One of Hillary’s deleted emails reveals she personally ordered ISIS to kill all Americans in Benghazi.

3.      Hillary has plans to confiscate your bibles and beer and replace both with the Quran.

4.      Another deleted Hillary email sent America’s secret nuke codes to both Vladimir Putin and the Taliban.

5.      Hillary peed on Ronald Reagan’s grave, twice.

6.      Hillary plans to outlaw NASCAR.

7.      Hillary will not only encourage same-sex marriage, she will outlaw heterosexual divorce.

8.      Hillary will take your guns and give them to blacks, Muslims, and angry lesbians and especially to black Muslim angry lesbians.

9.      Another deleted Hillary’s email reveals she ordered the Romans to crucify Jesus.

10.  Hillary will ban Viagra.

“Once these facts about Hillary are revealed again and again,” Priebus said, “Hillary couldn’t beat the love child of Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler if they were running as the Republican Candidate which looks like that may be who she will be running against.”