BUSH SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN SAYING SCALIA CAN NO LONGER DECLARE HIM WINNER

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Jeb Bush suspending his presidential campaign today saying, “up until now my lack of voter support did not matter as my good friend Antonin could declare me president like his did for my brother W, but Justice Scalia’s untimely death means I can no longer prevail.”

Former First Lady Barbara Bush said she was disappointed and wished her son had been more aggressive and used two exclamation points after his name instead of just one.  Upon hearing that his brother had dropped out of the race, George W. Bush said, “Jebbie, you’re doing a heck of a job.”

Jeb said he would soon announce which one of the remaining GOP presidential hopefuls he will endorse, but no one seems to care.

FOX NEWS REPORTS OBAMA HEADED TO CUBA TO GET FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – Fox News said President Obama’s announced trip to Havana is confirmation of Fox’s long standing reports that Obama has been taking orders from Communist Cuba all along.  “Other than cigars and old cars, no one in their right American mind would go to Cuba except to consort with Communists,’ said Megyn Kelly, “and to my knowledge Obama does not smoke stogies in old Chevys.”

“The real reason he’s going to Cuba now,” said Bill O’Reilly, “is to nominate Fidel Castro to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Thank God, our God-fearing majority in the Senate will block that shit,” O’ Reilly said, taking time away from writing his new book, Killing Justice Scalia.

Fox News also reported that some people say Obama plans to travel to Mecca so ISIS can train him on how to impose Sharia Law on America, but will first consort with Nazis hiding in the Bavarian Alps to learn how to take guns away from the American public so they can’t protect themselves against government tyranny. 

“We have it on good authority that Obama will complete his journey by traveling to the gates of hell to meet with his mentor, Satan,” Kelly said.  Josh Earnest, the President’s press secretary responded by saying that Obama had already been to hell when he visited Flint, Michigan. 

MITCH MCCONNELL: OBAMA SHOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL THE NEXT CENTURY TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Senator Mitch McConnell called Barack Obama the most divisive president in history saying Obama should have waited until the 22^nd century to run for the highest office to let the American people of the next century decide if he was ready to be the Commander in Chief.

“Because he jumped the gun, he deprived our children’s children’s children from exercising their Constitutional rights to decide if he should be elected President,” McConnell said.  Most Republicans agreed, saying that certain things must take the proper time and that it’s bad policy to allow someone too uppity to be president too soon and that this has divided the country and forced GOP lawmakers to have to obstruct government.

“We would have Supreme Court nominees approved, budgets passed and avoided government shutdowns had Obama not make the purely selfish choice to force himself on the unsuspecting American public before they were ready to have someone like him live in the White

House,” McConnel said.

“Even Martin Luther King had the common decency to wait by putting off his vision in some kind of a dream he had,” said Mitt Romney, “besides it was my turn to be president and Obama was way out of line when he cut in line in front of me.”  

REPUBLICANS SPLIT OVER WHETHER OBAMA OR HILLARY KILLED JUSTICE SCALIA

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In keeping with the fierce division in the Republican party, GOP presidential candidates disagree on whether Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered by Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton last Saturday.  “This is clearly the handiwork of Barack Hussein Obama,” said Senator Ted Cruz, “because he hates America’s Constitutionally mandated conservative non-New York values so much that he had to eliminate a saintly Christian Supreme Court Justice to try and replace him with an atheist gun hating abortion loving Christmas hating Sharia law loving traditional marriage hating gay wedding loving foreign born satanic communist judge.”

“It was Hillary who did it,” Jeb Bush said. “I know it’s her because my mother and W told me that I can show that I’m my own man by saying it was Hillary.”  Donald Trump said he has his suspicions but ultimately doesn’t care because, “as President, I plan to get Mexicans to build a lovely wall that you will love around both Hillary and Obama to keep them from killing any more conservatives.”

Senator Marco Rubio had a different take saying, “anyone who blames Obama is living in the past and as the conservative leader of the future, I say that we must blame future Democratic presidential hopefuls. Since the 1% would be more likely to support Hillary, it is clear that the other 99% would point to the fact that Justice Scalia was murdered by Bernie Sanders.”