DON STERLING TO SELL CLIPPERS; WILL BUY RANCH IN NEVADA AND BECOME FOX NEWS HOST

by R J Shulman

LOS ANGELES – (PTSD News Service) – Embattled Los Angeles Clipper owner Donald Sterling has announced that he will sell his NBA franchise and use the proceeds to buy a ranch in Bunkerville, Nevada adjacent to property owned by rancher Cliven Bundy.  “I want to go to a place where there is still free speech and an opportunity to ignore the law,” Sterling said. “But to tell you the truth, I still don’t know what I said about the shvatsas that was so offensive.”

In a further development, Fox News announced that they have hired Sterling to host their upcoming series Post Racial America.   Sterling’s first guests who will explain that there is no longer any racism in America will be Chief Justice John Roberts and Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s popular show Duck Dynasty.

PUTIN TO CRITICS OF HIS UKRANIAN ANNEXATION: OH, GO CRIMEA RIVER

by R J Shulman

 MOSCOW (PTSD News Service) – Russian President Vladimir Putin thumbed his nose at the outcry against his recent annexation of the Crimean peninsula, which had been part of Ukraine.  In a news conference yesterday, Putin accused the Kiev government and its western allies and sympathizers of being big blubbering babies as and said “oh, Перейдите к пункту Погода в Крыму Поток,” which roughly translates into Oh, go Crimea river.”

“I will send troops to protect my peoples wherever anyone speaks Russian, slurps borscht, listens to Tchaikovsky, or tops their salads with Russian Dressing,” Putin proclaimed.  Putin said he is not worried about President Obama because “that weak pretend tyrannical leader of the so-called free world is no more than a usurping Muslim who wasn’t even born in the USA.  I know,” Putin said, “because I watch Fox News.”   

President Obama in turn said that he is not worried about what is happening in the Ukraine because over eight million people have signed up under the Affordable Care Act and to combat Putin he has issued an Executive Order that changes the name of Russian Dressing to Freedom Dressing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ALABAMA PASSES MANDATORY GUN CARRY LAW

by R J Shulman

MONTGOMERY, Alabama (PTSD News Service) – Not to be outdone by Georgia’s recently passed “Guns Anywhere” law, Alabama has enacted a much broader pro-gun law, called the “Gun Almighty” law.  The new legislation not only allows a person to carry a firearm anywhere in the state, but actually mandates that guns must be carried at all time in certain places.

“You must bring you gun to church or face a severe penalty,” said State Senator Clem Purdy (R-Florence), who sponsored the bill.  “Why else would Jesus have been called the Prince of Piece if he didn’t want his followers to have a piece on hand when the worship Him?”

Other establishments that require a carried gun for entry are bars, liquor stores, massage parlors and trailer homes of ex-spouses who have a restraining order against the person wanting to enter.  Anyone not carrying the required gun to these places will be immediately arrested and sent to jail, the other place where carrying a gun is required.

The law removed the need for time consuming background checks and has a special allowance for those with mental problems to carry two guns at once in case they are so crazy that they miss their target after emptying their first weapon.

“I wish that Charlton Heston was still with us and hadn’t died and had them liberals pry that gun out of his cold dead hands,” said Wanda Lockload (R-Anniston) “He sure would be shouting hallelujah over this new law.”

The only restraint on regarding guns is that certain people may have to go through a vetting process before being issued a gun permit.  “For the safety of the public, Muslims and African Americans have a short waiting period of about sixty years or so before they can get a gun permit," Lockload said.