GOP DENIES THEY ARE TERRORIST AL QAEDA CELL BENT ON SHUTTING DOWN AMERICAN GOVERNMENT

By R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – House Speaker John Boehner vehemently denied that the Republican Party is a secret terrorist sleeper cell dedicated to grinding America to a halt.  Boehner was responding to a video that purportedly showed a high ranking Al Qaeda leader, Abu Al Bashwiri thanking Republicans for “bringing the Great Satan, America to its knees as Allah had commanded them to do.”

The video, which was aired on Al Jazeera TV, showed Al Bashwiri praising the “Tea Party martyrs for successfully infiltrating the Republican Party and making good on their promise to Allah to grind to a halt the evil beast that is America.  Our Tea Party brothers in arms are going to succeed not only in shutting down a few airports, but they will close the whole thing down.”

That video is way off the mark,” said Speaker Boehner, “we are not shutting down the government because of Allah.  We are shutting down the government because of Barack Obama.”

Senator Ted Cruz, R-TX said that he is willing to counter the Al Bashwiri video with a non-stop speech in which he promised to read the entire Dr. Seuss catalogue from A to Way Beyond Zebra.

A government shutdown looms Monday night at midnight if Congress cannot agree on a budget.  Also in the wings is a showdown promised by Republicans, who have threatened to block a raise in the debt ceiling unless the Obamacare is repealed and deep cuts to entitlement programs and taxes on the rich are made.

President Obama said today that he will not negotiate with terrorists, a comment that seemed to support the Al Qaeda video that claimed that the GOP and Tea Party are really secret terrorist cells.

Some experts believe that the Republican Party may not really be a terrorist organization after all, stating that the GOP’s extreme behavior may have been brought about by the passage of the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, which has made them come unhinged, unglued and very unstable.   For example, just yesterday, Michele Bachmann, R- Minn said, “Americans will get health care over my dead body,”  while Representative Louie Gohmert, R-TX said, “Obamacare is worse than Pearl Harbor, 9-11, the death of Dale Earnhardt, the South losing the War and Original Sin all rolled into one.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOUSE REPUBLICANS PASS BILL THAT REPLACES FOOD STAMPS WITH GUN STAMPS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – House Republicans narrowly passed a bill today that eliminates what was left of the food stamp program and replaces it with a new gun stamp plan.  The bill’s supporters say the new program will help millions of Americans purchase firearms that would otherwise be out of reach.

“As usual, Democrats and liberals have for years supported Communist stamp programs that ignore the Constitution,” said Marlin Stotzman, R-Indiana, “There is no Constitutional right to food, but there is for guns and unlike socialistic food stamps of the past, the gun stamp program has solid Constitutional backing.”

“Now there will be millions of Americans who will be able to exercise their Second Amendment rights for the first time,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.  “We estimate that as a result of this new law about 8.5 million children will not have to go to school without a gun.”

The bill passed 217-210, mostly along party lines.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEWS NETWORKS INCENSED THAT OBAMA AVOIDED BOMBING SYRIA

by R J Shulman 

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – CNN, Fox, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, CBS you name it, the news networks are up in arms against President Obama for apparently finding a diplomatic solution to the Syria crisis.  “We needed those exploding bombs over Syria for our sweeps week,” complained CNBC President Mark Hoffman, “now viewers will be watching Project Runway and those awful narcissistic Kardasians divorcing black guys instead of our field reporters detailing the damage in Damascus.”

“What the heck are we going to do now with all of these amazing ‘Syria at War’ graphics and great accompanying news sound effects?” asked NBC News President Steve Capus.  “I am so disappointed in President Obama for not shock and aweing Syria because we have the best looking on location reporter flak jackets in the news industry,” said CNN president Jim Walton, “and what a great way to introduce our spiffy new microphone windscreens than with serious war reporting.”

Roger Ailes, President of Fox news was furious when he heard there may be a peaceful solution to the Syrian situation.  “We were all set to go with our ‘Impeach Obama for Getting Us in a Pointless War with Syria’ campaign and that Muslim President up and does this peaceful thing.  Obama is the most heinous demon that the devil ever cooked up. Wait! Maybe we could make a report that ‘some experts say that Obama is responsible for creating Satan.’”

“Oh, my God.  Obama has created a news crisis of epic proportions as we may have to report actual news,” said Ben Sherwood, of ABC Television.  “Wait, isn’t there a new Dancing With the Stars that we could report about or maybe something about an aunt of Lindsay Lohan getting a ticket for DWI or rumors about Miley Cyrus needing back surgery after her MTV performance or that the royal baby is turning out to be a royal pain in the ass?  But foreign cities going ka-boom would have been so much better.”

News organizations are not the only groups that are criticizing Obama’s non-military response to the Syrian government’s alleged use of chemical weapons.  Halliburton CEO David J. Lesar said, “This is a massive tragedy that Obama has caused by not starting a war with Syria.  The President talks a good game about creating jobs, but his failure to invade or at least bomb Syria will put thousands of people out of jobs in the defense industry.”

“The American people will personally feel the pain of this bad Obama decision,” said William Swanson, CEO of Raytheon. “I know that for me that Obama’s ill-advised 60’s give-peace-a-chance throwback decision will mean I will have to put off getting that new yacht for at least two quarters.”

All hope is not lost however, according to Starling Institute’s chief analyst, Craig Shaw.  “There is a good chance that Iran will have their nukes ready sooner than expected and that should be enough to start the next skirmish which could, of course, lead not only to great news reporting and a boost to the defense industry, but to the end of the world.”  Ailes, of Fox was optimistic, “If Mr. Shaw is correct about a war with Iran being the end of the world, that would be terrific for Fox as we already have some awesome ‘end of the world’ graphics we prepared when Obama was elected president.”

 

OBAMA TO TAKE UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OF MEDICALLY AILING CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – The most revealing lesson emerging from the Syrian crisis is not whether some red line that got crossed belonged to the world or just to Barack Obama, or which of the Syrian rebel groups who will get weapons from the US will be the first to use them against US troops or if from twenty yards Obama could hit Vladimir Putin with a fig newton.  No, that stuff is just small potatoes next to the giant spud that is how Obama has kicked Congress when it is down, that is, how he has stooped so low as to take unfair advantage of members of Congress who he knew were suffering from a severe medical condition, called the Oboposite Syndrome.

Oboposite Syndrome, first discovered and named by internationally renowned psychiatrist Dr. Princeton Ivey of Cornell University described the disease as, “whenever Barack Obama discusses a certain topic in an affirmative manner, those affected with Oboposite Syndrome or OS, who are mostly Republicans, immediately respond without thinking to that aforementioned subject in a negative manner, while in reverse, if Obama takes a position of negation toward a topic, these stricken Republicans exhibit an immediate response of acceptance toward that idea, position or philosophy.”  Or as Harley Stubbs, of Buzzard Holler, West Virginia put it, OS is “Wha’tever Obama is fer, GOPers is agin’ and wha’tever Obama is agin’, theys fer.”

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has learned from reliable sources that President Obama, knowing that almost all of the Republicans in Congress along with some Democrats were completely infected with OS, deliberately asked Congress to support a military strike on Syria, when his plan all along was not the “shoot first, diplomatize later,” doctrine of former President George W. Bush, but was to find a non-military solution.   

“When someone says war to a Republican,” said political analyst James Carville, “they shout ‘more, more, more,’ like they were Billy Idol doing a reprise of his hit, Rebel Yell. But then Obama says he is in favor of dropping bombs and striking the enemy and these Republicans suffering from severe OS say they do not want to go to war.  This is the first time Republicans don’t want a war since, well, since war was invented.”  “What Obama did to take unfair advantage of a sick Congress is nothing less than using shock and awe below the belt,” said Newt Gingrich.

The Post Times Sun Dispatch has discovered from highly reliable and exclusive source that President Obama has been emboldened by his successful unconscionable conduct toward Congress and plans to attack them again.  He plans to take advantage of their weakened Oboposite Syndrome ridden minds to further his agenda and quest for absolute power.

First, Obama is going to propose crippling cuts to education that specifically targets poor and minority students, knowing the OS riddled Republicans in Congress will vote against these cuts and moreover that the most severely sickened OS sufferers, who are the Tea Partiers, will not only block cuts to educational aid to the poor and minorities, but will insist that these underprivileged children be provided with special tutors and free admission to the best Ivy League prep schools.

Next, Obama will ask the OS sickened House to overturn his biggest mistake: Obamacare, knowing that severely ill House Republicans will not only not take their 42^nd vote to repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, but, instead, will propose a single payor government run health care system.

Finally, President Obama will demand that the House of Representative vote to impeach him.  Obama knows that House Republicans are so sick with OS, that they will not only block any vote to impeach him, but will pass a bill to make Obama President for Life.

“Unlike George W. Bush who liked to depose dictators and end evil rulers’ cruel tyranny by blowing up their country and smoking them out, dead or alive,” said Luke John, a history professor art Liberty University, “Obama will take advantage of a sick congress and get them to support his real plan, the one where he will create a new dictator – himself.”     

BOOTS, BOOTS AND MORE BOOTS ON THE GROUND
by R J Shulman

 

Have you been hearing all this talk about US boots on the ground in Syria?   Most Americans polled say they are against it.  Well, I think I am going to buck the tide.  I actually might be in favor of US boots on the ground in Syria, with one condition – that these boots are in no way connected to the feet or legs or any other body parts of US military personnel.   Being war torn and all, I bet some of the Syrian people could use some new boots and maybe we could drop some other kind of useful shoes they could use as well.  Or maybe instead of boots, we could put books on the ground.  It is theoretically possible that educating a foreign populace is better than eradicating them.  Or instead of boots or books, we could put boobs on the ground because there is a good part of any given population that would be distracted enough by that to stop and stare rather than kill each other.  Unattached boots, books or boobs would certainly be better than sending bombs, drones, missiles, aircraft, smart bombs, dumb bombs, explosives and weapons of mass destruction that are nothing more than US aid to the quarterly profits of Halliburton and their friends.  But, alas, I am dreaming, of course, because you know what they say in halls of government in Washington.  They say that war is not the answer.  It is the question as well.  “War?”  “Hell, yes, war.”