Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch
The Post-Times-Sun-Dispatch or PTSD is a newsource of serious political satire. Don't let a day go by without PTSD.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a 5-4 split decision,
the US Supreme Court held that the United States Constitution is no longer
valid. “Times were very different in
1789 when the Constitution was drafted,” said Chief Justice John Roberts who
wrote for the majority, “so we are sending it all back to Congress to draft a
new Constitution that will reflect a more up to date document that can take into
account current legal principals such as corporations being people and money being
free speech and for freedom to mean being free from the government from taking
this freedom called money.”
Roberts indicated that until such time as Congress acts on
crafting a new Constitution, all power will be left to the States to determine
their own laws. South Carolina has
already acted by reinstating slavery. “Now that the War of Northern Aggression,
sometimes erroneously referred to as the Civil War has been overturned,” said Lindsey
Graham, R- SC, “our great state can once again pursue our goal to make
Charleston the slave trade capital of the world.”
Major banks and Wall Street movers and shakers have
applauded the Court’s decision. “It’s
about time that the government get out of the business of governing,” said
Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN ENFORCEMENT OF VOTING RIGHTS ACT;
TAPS PAULA DEEN TO OVERSEE ELECTION FAIRNESS
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In a bold ruling, the
United States Supreme Court held that key elements of the Voting Rights Act of
1965 were no longer needed, as “times have changed drastically since the ill-conceived
60s and it is now up to Congress to straighten out the mess it caused by not
updating its outmoded approach to which states voting laws may need scrutiny,”
wrote Chief Justice John Roberts. “How could there be any voter discrimination
anymore, anyway,” Roberts said, “when a foreign born black man can get elected
president just by handing out cell phones and bad mortgages to black voters.”
In an equally controversial proclamation, the high court
announced it was strongly suggesting that Congress hire recently ousted Food
Network icon Paula Deen to oversee any possible voting rights violations. “Who
but a daughter of the South would know more about that part of the country’s
history of civility and graciousness and the ways to preserve its rich traditions,”
Roberts said, “and besides the lady is out of work and hiring her would cut
down on our unemployment problem.”
Deen was ecstatic at the idea of serving in the capacity of
protecting voting rights. “I look at this opportunity to make amends for me
using the “N” word so ill advisedly. I
have a long record of preserving the wonderful recipes of our colored mammys
and bringing them to a whiter, I mean wider audience. So now I will make sure that no unscrupulous people
try and nigger-rig elections…What, you said that Jimmy Dean just pulled his
sausage from my sponsorship. Did I say
something wrong? My stars, first there
is a war on Christmas and now it looks like there is a war on Southern Belles.”
Thursday, June 13, 2013
by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Hot on the heels of rouge
contractor Edward Snowden revealing the US Government’s secret data gathering
on American citizens, another employee of defense contractor, Booz Allen has just
announced that he has done the same. Goober
Billy Scrubbs announced that he released sensitive information regarding US
Nuclear installations, plans and codes “to let the American people know just what
their government was up to,” he said. “As
y’all know, all of this being a hero stuff can be dangerous, so I released the
information where the tyrannical American government cannot lock me up, and
that would be where I am now, Teheran, Iran.”
When questioned about Scrubbs, Wilma Johnston, a
spokesperson for Booz Allen said, “he had only worked for us for about a week ,
so there was no way we could have known he would do something like this, which
is against our company policy, which is posted right there in the lunch room
area.”
Scrubbs, a middle school dropout, who claimed he made
$30,000 a year (Booz Allen says it was more like $12,000), who the company had
granted top security clearance said at his Iranian press conference, “there
just ain’t enough whistleblowers who are willing to tell the American people
just what their government is hiding from them, and besides my boss at Booz
yelled at me a lot and then I found out I was making less than my cousin,
Jimmie Lee Beans does, at the Walmart in Hazard, Kentucky, you know, down there
on the Daniel Boone Parkway.”
House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Cal),
said he is outraged and will convene a House investigation of just why
President Obama forced Booz Allen to hire Scrubbs and to find out if this
newest leak is related to the scandal in Benghazi, the IRS targeting Tea Party
groups or is part of Obama’s birth certificate cover-up. “If the President and the government just
allowed the private sector, in this case Booz Allen to do their job without job
killing regulation and oversight, this never would have happened,” Issa said.
In a related story, another major government contractor,
Newman-Chardine, said that it had met its first quarter earnings by selling
banking and investment account passwords it had extracted from millions of
Americans pursuant to a no-bid government contract that was part of US
Government activity under the Patriot Act.
“While I can’t say whether selling this information to Mexican drug
cartels and certain interests in Nigeria actually broke the law,” said Clawton
Frenworth, Newman-Chardine CEO, “I can guarantee you two things - I will be getting
my bonus this year, and the worst that can happen to Newman-Chardine is that we
could get a $100 fine.”